Baking Day! aka Afternoon Drinking

There is one thing I do on my day off at the end of every November...I bake. Then I sip wine while I bake. By the time I am done all of my baking...I'm typically pretty tipsy and everything is amazing, lovable and utterly funny. I have no idea why wine invokes my inner flower child but it does hahaha So this is going to be my afternoon.

Also, I have been very busy as of late and updates have been sporadic at best. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this stuff. You are amazing and have excellent taste if you do ;) I just really don't have much to say. Nothing major has gone on in my life because I am chained to my desk. I even turned down a paid lunch (sweetie was gonna buy it since he's all boyfriendless to at the moment)...so...yup.

The places where I got stabbed by the nurse for my vaccines still hurt. It's retarding my cooking processes hahaha sounds weird. Anyways. I should get up and shower but I want to  be a lazy today...but I have baking that must be done. I just have this feeling that my baking is going to turn into some kind of big ass supper I randomly decide to make hahahaha It does happen when visitors pop over :) anyways..I'll catch ya on the flip. Here's some of my food porn for ya ;)

Vaccine...ouchie ouch ouch :(

Well...today I got vaccinated for the flu. I figured - YOLO - hahahaha I just feel like I lowered my I.Q. just thinking that acronym and typing it hahahaha I feel dumber 0_0

Anyways, the point is that the flu vaccine was alright. It hurts a bit but nothing is compared to the slow (surprising) sting of Cervarix (it is also expensive when you are over 30!) and wowzers! I was surprised that it would sting...the size of the injection shot as well. Either way, I'm a big baby. It's always so much easier to give blood than to have something injected into my body that stings for hours on end. It doesn't anymore but that development was recent.

On a more positive (and not friggen whiny) note, I looked into my Degree Evaluation and have just decided to figure out something. I'd rather work and do distance course at the same time than go to school right away and be broke ass. I don't handle broke or starving student so well anymore. I'm used to having a wide selection of munchies like veggies, fruit, desserts, whatever suits my fancy. Starving student status went out a long ass time ago. Regardless, I would seriously like to finish my degree. I think it would be an awesome endeavor. I am locked into something for the next 24 months but I can make it worth my while...pay off my debt, get my ear problems dealt with, build up my legs muscles (the stairs there!!!) and I'm sure losing a little weight before I go back to school would be a good thing. I hate the classrooms though. Sitting there for hours on end...I was never good at sitting still. But I am sure I would succeed. I have yet to fail at something I really want.

On that note...this will probably be me..with all the 18 to 26 year olds that just MIGHT be in university by the time I get around to attending lol

I can hear it all now..."TFN...1983...I was just born..." lol :P 

Have a good one!

Apparently I am a cat... :/ who knew...

So, my cousin told me today that I am a cat. I just laughed and then proceeded to do my own thing...only to stop in the middle of what I was doing and think "Holeh...I do kind of act like a cat...oh my...to the Bat Cave!" and then I laughed. Because laughing is good for you :D But seriously now, I do have cat like tendencies. Here is a list of things I like to do:

1) If I need to get your attention or I want your attention I will put myself in your line of sight and touch your arm...unless your Meloberry...then I will probably do something to deliberately gross you out like lick your hand or tell you that you look great with a side of fava beans (I'm sure she's getting desensitized now)

2) I tend to whip out a nail file and nail clippers with full kit out of nowhere and randomly start doing my nails (It's just a habit now)

3) I will nudge and snuggle my way under an arm or into the crook of someones neck (just like my cat)

4) Shiny things distract me. So do lasers. I'm pretty sure this is an everyone phenomena and not just me and cats.

5) I will randomly say "Meow" or "Roooooowww" just because. I need no reason. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! lol

6) Apparently I act like a cat when it comes to certain things. I apparently act like a predator (Not the alien or the creepy white van kind). I can snatch things out of peoples hand quickly and I tend to glare right before I strike! lol I never noticed this...this seems fabricated but okay.

7) I just do whatever I want anyways. 

Those are all the reason I am apparently a cat. Learn something new every day. Kind of felt like this when she told me that...

hahahahaha Goodnight! xo

The extra long post because I got delayed...

So...I can hear my Mum shouting at the TV (something slam or wrestling whatever)..bro is laughing in his room...Dad just finished driving around his nephew...and I am in my room with my foot up since I opened the cut on my ankle earlier (forgot and did stretches - this confusion is pissing me off!).

Now...for the more fun part...I got drunk during supper and decided that me and my cousins should go to the casino and gamble. LOL Well..I did. I ended up in the high roller section for an hour. I lost 40 bucks but managed to win 50.00 out of the hundred I walked in there with. Didnt even know there was a high roller table hahahaha I'm not a gamble. I'm pretty much gambler inept. It's almost as bad as how clueless I am when it comes to directions to places. hahahahahaha

annnd...I went on a terrible date. LOL It was a tough voting thing and ended up being "sold off" to some late forties man. I love men. I could careless about the age really...it's what he did that totally put me off completely and made me entirely too uncomfortable. Auctioned off Julia did not like that at all LOL A big middle finger and F U to you dating gods! hahaha ok..not really...but I did enjoy myself minus the whole introduction. The guy moves in to kiss me (I presumed), I turned to offer my cheek and he basically stuck his tongue in my ear and licked my lips right after annnnnd I was stunned. Who does that really?! Holy eff! That was the most unsexy thing ever...I have no idea if he kisses like that all the time but it's awful. Someone should tell him that if he does. I would hope someone told him that. 0_0 He's old enough to know how to kiss a cheek or how to greet someone who they don't even know beyond meeting me through a friend. What the hell...either way, I tried to be subtle about it by wiping his saliva off my face and told him "well..that was unexpected...let's not try that again" (okay...so subtle was gone) and then I said "I don't know what impression you have of me or what is expected at this supper but we are not going to get sexual. I'm not that type of woman. If you are expecting that, I suggest you leave before you waste your time because you would be wasting yours and mine if you stayed and thought you were going to get laid". Then he laughs and says "You talk like a real woman. I like that. I'm going to stick around for the company. If you don't mind that is..." and we proceeded to have a great time. We had a good supper. Minus me leaving reeking of his cologne (too much marination going on) and the salvia and weird ear makeout session he had with my ear - I had fun. It was good. Buuut I don't think I would ever do that again. Nope. Not now. Not ever. He is obviously looking for something quick and easy (he even stated that).

On another note, I had someone ask about an ex-boyfriend I had about forever and a day ago (okay,within the last 5 years lol) and what happened there. It was all boiled down to "He's happy as long as he's got someone to share his misery with. I'm happy it's not me." and that was that. Seriously, I don't have an antagonistic relationship with all of my exes. There are some who are cheaters, liars, assholes, fucktards, pussnuts, users and abusers. There are actually only 3 I don't speak with at all. Two of them cheated on me and the other one pushed me into a wall once...and well...you can be charged even if someone starts something first. I'm just lucky the asshole didn't charge me because I pushed him right off the steps (only three stairs) and hit him with his boots for pushing me into a wall...in anger. Now...when he pushed me against a wall while kissing me and well...that was a totally different thing hahahaha He was a passionate man but very jealous and I was so convinced I wasn't worth it at that time. Most of my exes have just this one thing in common - they lied to me. It's a big thing! No one has any idea how big lying is to me.

Lying is deception. It is dishonesty. It is untruthfulness. How can you trust someone who lies about things like where they were? Keeping in mind I was asking because they were running late to a friends wedding (I'm not my boyfriends keeper so I don't gps him or whatever) Or someone who feels they need to lie? That's not to say I haven't lied in my life. I have. I have told "white lies" (yes I know it is still a lie even if its white) but I do it to save grace...or face. I was told repeatedly that if you lie you have to always remember it. I have enough to remember with always remembering a lie hahaha I also don't need that on my conscience. I have told lies to protect people from worrying about me or other people. There are times when I have justified it but really...that's not the lying I am talking about. It's the whole "I love you" and you then hear your (at the time) boyfriend say that to someone else - which one is the lie? It just calls into question everything he said. It makes him unpredictable because you then wonder how he misrepresented himself. I'm not talking about him choking down your god awful failed recipe...I'm talking about the serious shit like him "mysteriously" having extra money or why he needs a gun or him distracting you when it comes to you asking where he was for hours on end...or why he needs two cars...shit like that. There's a whole world of difference between lying and saying "That dress doesn't make you look fat at all" and then lying by saying "I will always be faithful to you". It just bugs me. I'm just done with being lied too. I'm not saying all men are liars either...just my exes. LOL Maybe they learned to be honest people with all the ranting I did to them about what I basically wrote down here. I believe some people can change and others can effect change and there are those that change is too scary - to unknown - so they pretend (misrepresentation is a form of deception which is a form of lying!)...it's something I was thinking about on the 6 hour ride home.

This week away I also realized I don't miss Marc at all. There wasn't a single time I thought of him or even felt lonely because he wasn't around. Or because I didn't hear from him. I got a wicked blast from the past with Jay messaged me. That was seriously bizzare because I didn't see that coming (he was totally the rebound and was happy with knowing that too LOL)...and I seriously had no problem with it. I had no problems or felt anything. It was the moment I realized "I'm okay again" and that I can move on. Although I will be focusing more on myself right now than anything, I do enjoy knowing I can move on. I'll always have memories of his words, his calls, his epic Marc'isms hahaha but I'm good with that part of my life being over. It hasn't been long but...I'm okay. When we talked yesterday I was okay with not answering him back right away. I was okay with receiving his voicemail messages. I was okay with it all. It's nice to finally not feel hurt or like I missed out because I didn't. The only thing I missed out on was peace of mind. I was done making excuses and ended the situationship/relationship/lovers or whatever you want to call it. I was just completely done. It feels good.

I guess what I was really thinking about, in between my kickass meetings and visits, was all the qualities I didn't want when I should have been focusing more on what I do want. I want a human being. Someone who isn't afraid of being human. Who isn't trying to be perfect. Someone who can accept my imperfections. Someone who doesn't shy away from me because I can be a bit weird or extreme about things at times. Someone who can handle my otaku tendencies and my needs for deep philosophical conversation and whimsy. Someone who isn't wanting to change every aspect of who I am to fit who they think they want me to be. Someone who will laugh with me and laugh at me. Someone who has an amazing sense of humour. Someone who embraces hygiene and understands my crazy need for Crest only products. Someone who can accept me with every load of drama, tears, sorrow, joys, love, laughter, sunshine, rainy days, need for Legend of Zelda nights, and all my eccentricities...as much as I will do the same for them. I want man. Not raise one. Give and take. I would do the same. Equal measure...or as the Elric brothers would say "Equivalent Exchange" hahaha

Hmm...maybe I just want Sanji...LOL :P

On that note, see you tomorrow! Have a good one.

TA DA! I'm back! hahaha

So...I had a very important business trip this week that I prepared for. We had the most amazing meeting, was done hours before we were scheduled to be done and got the best reviews (ABOVE THE PROVINCIAL AVERAGE! WOOOOOEEEEE!!!). So...tonight when I get home I will update this more thoroughly. Right now I need to pack. LOL Lots of packing to be done.

Suffice it to say...this lovely lady was kind of tipsy and didn't realize she was playing at the high rollers table last night at the casino...

Life with Mum - My FB status messages hahaha

You have no idea how strange we can be. But our strangeness makes us fun...and by us I mean my family. We are 4 adults living under one roof (thanks to the housing shortage on reserve) but we tend to get along quite well. My Mum and I tend to have our moments though. I, obviously, take of her in some respects and in others...well...you'll see...lol

I would write more but I am already behind on my packing and I need to fit some sleep in at some point hahaha

Hope these make you laugh and have a good one!

Me: But I don't wanna shovel the driveway...I just had a shower and I'm massaging my scalp. Don't you usually pay someone to do it?

Mum: Well...

Me: Nevermind. You ask Dad and I really don't need to repress a memory tonight about how you choose to pay...

Mum just shrugs Hahahahahaha 

___

Hahahaha

Me *feeling animizzy* : Better watch out now Mum!! Gonna fight ya this time..

Mum *just as animizzy* : Oh yeah...bring it on *starts jumping around with her fists up*

Me: *start mirroring Mum* Not gonna go easy on ya this time...this time your gonna get it...no more lil kicks to the shins...

Mum: *swings at me* oh yeah...well I'm gonna get ya in the head...and then beat ya and then fight ya...

Me: This fight is scheduled for one fall...

Mum: I'm coming now...now you're gonna get it...better watch out..

Me: for what?! Your tickle attack...I have an even more deadly attack now...

Mum and Me starts swatting each others hands...laughing like manaics...

Me: Now..time for my dreaded hug-lift-and-twirl attack!!!! Raaaewwwwwwww!!!!*hug and lift Mum*

Mum: PUT ME DOWN IM SCARED OF HEIGHTS!!!!! 

Bwahahaha!!!! I love her!!!! Hahaha 

____

Creepy Mum moment...

Mum: Too many people go to the graveyard drunk....

Me: Oh yeah? How do you know that?

Mum: So I'm just gonna bury you all in the back of the house.

Me: hahaha Sounds like your planning to kill us.

Mum: Oh no...but there is someone buried in your Aunt's backyard.

Hahahahahahahaha 

___

Hahahaha

 Mum: Caaaandeh...

 Me: Ohhhh..sweet candeh...

 Mum and Me: CAAAAANNNNDEEEHHH!!!!

hahahaha

____

hahahahaha

 Me: *grabs Daddy's arm and bites and smiles at him* Do you ever worry about my mental health?

 Daddy: *dishing up some potatoes* .......sometimes...

 Mum: What did you do to your Dad now?

 Me: Chewed on him like he was some kinda man corn.

 Mum: Ohh...well..suppers ready.

 Me whispering to Daddy: Do you ever worry about your mental health? I mean...we are all kinda crazy in here.

 Daddy : *says nothing but looks exasperated*

 Me to Mum: I think I actually might have annoyed him this time. 

 Mum : Alright *gives me the thumbs up*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

___

UPDATE *New best laugh of the day*

 Commercial: Could be fatal in some people...

 Mum: What does fatal mean?

 Me: It means you are going to die.

 Mum: Hooooo...that's some kind of medicine. If you don't take it you die...if you take it you might die...I'd just get a new pill that won't make you die. *nods to herself eating apple slices*

___

bwahahaha!!!

 Me: Johnny Depp is 50 so I guess that is your old man crush...

 Meloberry: He's not my old man crush. Mine is David Tennant. I am going to be 17 next month.

 Me: I am going to be 30 this month.

 Mom: Oh! That reminds me that I need to go to the graveyard this month.

 Me: Nice to know my birthday reminds you of death...

 Bwahahaha!!!!

___

Me: * glaring at Mums bag of junk*

 Mum: Don't even say it! I know I'm a junkie...

 Bwahahaha

_____

  

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 Me: She's going through menopause. Its like shes jumping from this age to that age from this rage to that rage...

 Kris: haha omg...must be interesting

 Me: I feel dizzy some days trying to follow her mood swings. She just asked me to kill someone while in the same breathe saying she loves me to death. Im still not sure whom she was referring too but I hope its not me. She's cooking lunch today *hahahahaha*

___

lol

 Me: they're burnt...

 Mum: the toaster did it...

___

Me:Just because he ran away from the cops doesn't mean he's guilty...

 Mum: He wouldn't have ran if he wasn't guilty.

 Me: Maybe he just had a bad police experience...

 Mum: Yeah...like the first time he was guilty of something and the cops were called so he ran away

 Me: He could still be innocent...

 Mum: But he ran from the cops so he did it.

 Me: Are we really gonna argue about this?

 Mum: He's not guilty if he dies soon...

 Hahahaha just can't win...

____

  

My Mum the hypocodriac....

Mum: *calls me at work* Can you come home please? I have an emergency and we need to call the doctor right away.

Me: *worried now* Okay! I'll run over right away.

**** bust in the door and slam it shut : oh my god Mum was it your sugar? Is it low? are you having stroke symptoms? Whats wrong? Do I need to call an ambulance?

Mum: I was reading the Health Centre newsletter when I read that you have to have your prostate check when your over 40. Julia, I'm almost 50. I could have prostate cancer and not know it because I never got it checked.

Me *sitting down, hands in my face*: Please tell me your joking....

Mum: Jesus Christ Julia! This is serious! I never once had my prostate checked.

Me: I never scheduled an appointment for one because you damn well dont have one! What the hell Mum?! Women have ovaries, not prostates. 

Mum: How do you know that? You're not a doctor or cancer specialist?!

Me: I know it because I'm a woman and I know you gave birth to me. Last time I checked women didnt have prostates. Just ask Dad.

Mum: Oh...

Me: yeah...was that seriously all you wanted?

Mum: Dont look at me like that. How was I supposed to know women didn't have prostates...

BWAHAHAHA!!!

____

AC/DC Mum

Me: I don't get why I had to take a day off from work to do this...

Mum: Because you love me...

***Mum turns up the radio*** AC/DC Dirty Deeds comes on and could hear Mum singing something

Me: Say  that again Mum?

Mum: Bury me! Six Feet Deep! Oh Bury Me, Six feet deep...

Me: BWAHAHAHAJAMES!! COME LISTEN TO MUM SING!!!

Mum: Well..thats what hes saying Julia..duh? I know the song. My husband likes them...

James: What you laughing so hard about?

Me: *almost on the floor in the hallway from laughing* Mum...hahahaha sing it!!!

Mum: Bury me! Six Feet Deep! Oh Bury Me..six feet deep..

James: hahahahaha!!! Mom its dirty deeds and they're done dirty cheap.

Mum: Oh...well, I like mine better anyways.

______________

Mum the Big Christmas Kid

Mum: Go back to bed...it's too early for you...
Me: I've been getting text messages since midnight and they are still coming in...
Mum: oh...but go back to bed.
Me: That big gift is yours and Dad's.
Mum: Well...you might as well stay up now..*eyeballing the big gift*

_________________

Me: What?! Just cuz you seen it on TV doesnt make it true ya know.
JJ: Yes it does.
Mum: Sure it does. Why would they put it on TV if it wasnt true? 
Me: Just dont believe everything you see on TV or read on the Internet okay Mum?
Mum: Ok. JJ...you think the Waltons ever believed anything they seen on TV?
JJ: Well ya. Fleetwood...Google that...
*both looking at be expecting something*
Me: What did I just say?!
Mum: JJ...dont believe everything you seen on TV until Julia tells you its real.
JJ: But that's really the Waltons.
Mum: I know.
*JJ turns to me*
JJ: See Fleetwood...even your Mum knows its really the Waltons...
Me: *sweatdrop and sigh* Goodnight John Boy...
JJ: Goodnight Maryellen!

Miscarriage...when God makes you an Angel instead of giving you a Baby

I have a hard time remembering ever not despising this day. It feels like I have always hated November 17th with every fiber of my being. Yet, it's just a day and it's not the dates fault that I feel like it marks where I was robbed of my future.

I lost my son on this day in 2004. I miscarried. 

So strange to remember this day. There is no body to visit, no ashes to hold close, and no service was held the day I lost my son. There was just blood, agonizing pain and tears...and I think I wanted to die...right after I felt like my soul shattered which was right after my heart broke. I honestly have no idea what has kept me here this long. Maybe it was the grief counselling I was given immediately. Maybe it was remembering I still had something worth living for. Maybe I still had hope. I'm not really sure. All I know is that somehow, I am still here. I made a promise to my son. Out of guilt but it was still a promise.

I would live my life for us.

Through the years there was hope. Hope that one day I would be able to tell future children that they have any angel Brother watching them from heaven. Now, for the past few years, that hope was taken from me completely. I'll never have my own biological children. I'll never again feel the flutter of life inside of me. I will never hear the sound of my baby's heartbeat. I won't experience this because I was robbed of it. I will never again know that my body was ripe with life and was willing to give it. I am no longer a doorway to life. I don't possess that type of Earth magic anymore.

That path is closed to me now. A surgeon once told me it would be a miracle of God if I ever did get pregnant considering the damage done internally among all the other factors against me. Is God still in the business of performing miracles? 

Regardless of what this day represents, it also reminds me of simple truths. Of how you should appreciate what you have now, right now, before it is gone from you forever. To take pleasure in the small things. As cliche as this sounds, a moment of eternal happiness. Life is about give and take. I was given 100,000 plus minutes of heart soaring happiness growing inside of me and I will always treasure that. I can comprehend that who I loved (and continue to love) so very much was taken from me, from our family, too soon. Loss...it is something I have become familiar with. I learned that even if they are not here, I still carry them with me. So, in this way, I have been able to keep living and to keep my promise.

I carry my son. I carry him in my heart. I held him in my body every second of his life. Now I will carry him in my heart every second of mine. 

Every year, on what was my projected due date (it was probably wrong but who cares, I made it his birthday)...I celebrate it. Sometimes, I write him a letter and other times I just buy fireworks and spend the day alone drawing or talking to him...This past year I baked a cake...but some years, if I'm taking it really hard, I just get drunk. I am not condoning self-medicating but it does happen. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a time where I just didn't get stupid drunk by myself and cry. Yes, I realize alcohol is a depressant and no I am not making any excuses - just telling it like it is. Last year, I celebrated with tangerine wine ( I actually held myself to two glasses) and made a big supper for my family with a birthday cake. It was important to me that he have a birthday cake. I never made him one. He deserved one.  So I was inspired to do that after I wrote the following for him... 

Untitled:

Today you would have been 8 years old,

I wonder what kind of cake would you have liked.

What kind of birthday wishes would you have made?

Would one of them be for a new bike?

Would you have looked at me and would I have seen myself?

Or would I have seen your Father staring back?

Would you giggle madly like I do?

Or chuckle silently in the back?

Would you have my smile or would that be something you share with your Dad?

Would you be a silly, adventurous child or a serious budding scientist?

Would birthdays make you happy or would they make you mad?

Your Father never liked birthdays but I loved them.

Would you reach out for my hand yet or would you be too big for that?

Would you remind me of how many candles go on your cake thinking I might have forgotten?

Would you be asking me for a dog this year or a cat?

Would you be upset that I am not with your Dad?

When you left it created such a hole in our lives,

nothing eased that pain.

All I have are the too few weeks of having you inside of me,

and I would give up everything just to have you here again.

I wanted to follow you when you left me.

You were the only child I could have ever had.

You were all I have ever hoped for, dreamed of and wanted in my life.

I was very sad.

I grieve for you yet my angel.

8 years is but a blink of an eye when it comes to my grief.

Still, for those too few weeks I was happier than I have ever been or knew how to be.

It was simply eternity in a moment when I heard your heart beat.

I held you every second of your life,

and I have loved you every second you were known to me.

I have kept you as close to me as possible.

I miss you in a way I can never explain to anyone.

I have yearned to hear your voice and wondered what it would sound like.

I have cried at the thought you being afraid without me there to help you through the night.

I have done everything I possibly could to live my life,

I have only ever tried to do what it is right.

I do not live just for myself anymore,

for the past 8 years I have been living for two.

Today is would have been your birthday...

and I never did get to make that cake for you....

and so I made him a cake. I lit the candle and wished for him. I wished for his happiness in whatever form he is in. I wished for him to know he was made in love and is loved and will always be loved...even long after I stop drawing breath. He will always be my son. My first. He will always be remembered - even if it is just by me. He changed my life. He was so tiny...and, only he, was capable of showing me how it feels to love like I love him.

I carry this grief with me but that is not all there is to me- it doesn't define me. I meant it when I promised to live for us. I love. I laugh. I cry. I scream. I hug. I kiss. I dream. I hope. I make mistakes. I wish upon stars. I get amazed. I see the beauty in everything around me. I see the miracles in small things. As strange as this sounds, especially coming from me, I seen the beauty of God one day in the smile of a young child peering into the arthritis ridden hands of an old woman who was showing that child...the baby bird she just saved after it fell from it's nest. I see things more clearly. I bend instead of breaking. I was once called the reed...and I finally get it. 

Still...

This doesn't mean that I will stop not liking the 17th of November...I'm not sure if I will ever be able to approach this day without any sadness or anger but I think acknowledging that fact is a good place to start. 

~ Julia

Have you ever...The beginning to the longest getting-to-know-you convo ever...

Hello Sunday night. I made it. I made it the entire week doing these blogs. I'd like to celebrate but I want to try to do it again for another week. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can hahaha It kind of relieves some stress for me ya know. So, if you read these things, be prepared for more random 'Julianess' since I am not just going to disappear...well...as far as I know anyways 0_0

 

So I killed my spider roommate today. The spider is dead. It is never coming back. Instead of encouraging it to move on to another aspect of it's evil diabolical network...I killed the spider. Then I felt it was necessary to bury it. It kinda was like a roommate. I felt like I just killed Charlotte from Charlotte's Web (even if that makes me Wilbur :/ ) It was just a bizarre moment. Once again, something has either made me really happy or has thrust me into emotional Siberia - the other end of that spectrum. 

Besides that, I did nothing today since my vertigo decided to act up. I tried holding my breath but it took me awhile for the room to stop titling and spinning on its axis. I have a new appreciation for people who go through things like this. Physical ailments, diseases, etc...because living a normal life is brutal! It takes a ton of energy. Wowzers...

On another note, I had the epic "Have you ever" convo today with someone I only met recently...by mistake but what the heck. It's my life and I like to just go with my gut feeling on this. I think it's terribly cute how hesitant the questions were regarding personal things. Really, I could careless if anyone knew about how blind I am (-3.00 in both eyes) or how easily distracted I get (seriously, bright colours and distracting me is waaay too easy) or how much I love chocolate or how I have never eaten a Caribbean dish (although it turns out the guy is Caribbean and offered himself up on a silver platter hahaha *** author's note - no fava beans or Chianti***). It was interesting to note that I am cute and the way I say things is cute. I'm just a little confused about how saying something is cute. But okay. The questions were kind of outrageous at last hahaha Yes, I've worn men's hybrid briefs thingies before and no I have never wanted to be a Simpson. :P 

It was a good day. :) Sometimes, the best way to get to know someone, is the laugh with them ;)

On that note, have a great night!

The 4:39 am started this blog post! AHHHHH!!!

Okay...so I'm late...again -_- but at least Im here right?! :D

Okay...so I started the remaining afternoon of just reading feminist novels...you know the kind where the woman is treated like crap, totally taken for granted in her relationship and then she suddenly meets this guy in the most seemingly random way you meet guys (apparently not the grocery store!) and they somehow make made passionate love where she screams his name like he's her own personal god; She then leaves her boyfriend and goes off on her own in the sunset where she has found true peace...and months later meets the same man who re-taught her the beauty of real intimacy (despite the earth shattering and mind blowing sex - they shared feeling too!) and they fall in love and then take the first tentative steps together as man and woman. The End. It may not actually be a feminist novel but it could definitely pull it off hahaha

The second half of the day...I actually decided to watch Heroes. Admittedly, I never once watched it beyond a few scenes because of that wishy-wash guy who annoyed the friggen shit out of me. Seriously! "I can fly Nathan" or "Nathan..." ok...you just ruined every brocon doujinshi I have ever been introduced too and read in my life (boy loves boy - twins - anime). You ruined Hikaru and Karou for me assholes! ARGH! I love Hikaru and Karou...they were my most favorite twins...besides the Carson twins of course hahahaha :P But seriously now...I got over my aversion and decided to give this series the good ol 7 episodes try. The deal is, that if you dont like the show after 7 even episodes, you'll never like it. Well, the verdict it that I liked the show afterall...once I discovered how to fwd over the most annoying bits...(as much as I love LOTR - Frodo and all his crying did annoy me - call me heartless all you want...you will just be wasting your breath.) Either way...I just get the feeling that this is going to make me scream in the sad and so mad at the world way FireFly did when it was cancelled (although I'm not sure my neighbors will ever get over me shouting for "MAL" hahahaha).

But my gamer problems ... Let's just say I had problems hahaha

On that note, its now 4:56 am and I am totally done taking the pets out, typing this entry and brushing my teeth.

Game on!

My cervix...the visit...the silly FB posts and then distractions...oops!

So I forgot to post a blog last night. I knew it was bound to happen. I got caught up in reading and then somehow fell asleep to the sound of some Japanese movie playing in the background. Although I am not surprised about the Japanese movie...I am a lil surprised about falling asleep watch it hahaha That was new...

A recap of what I did yesterday is pretty short and sweet. Yesterday I went to work and then left for my appointment with the specialist. The ride was good. I had a quite a few laughs with Julie. When I got to the hospital in Rouyn they had put some of the instructions for the clinique extrene in English. Was kind of funny though to be talking to the Security Guard in French and then the Receptionists hahaha I dont speak the language fluently at all. Not even at 2:30 and after 10 shots of Jose Cuervo hahaha I had a blast posting stuff about the appointment on my Facebook (yes...I'm located there :P). I'll post of it here for you to laugh about :P My status was about 5 ahead to register and how the security guard and the English Translations were new. Then a friend of mine, who is a bit of a worry-wart, says "What are you doing there...you okay?" and I responded, in classic Julia fashion, "just follow up :) ... ya know...literally getting my putch checked hahahaha" and the reason why that is funny is because putch is native slang for vagina and I was there to see the Gynocologist LOL But no,,,I let told them I was pretty sure I'd get to keep my clothes on this time :D

During the appointment I was told they got all the bad cancer causing cells (YAAAAYY!!!) since my last pap smears have come back normal. I will HOWEVER let you know that the procedure was painful. They say you will be feeling some slight pressure - this is a blatant lie!!! They basically numb you a lil then gouge out the parts of your cervix that has the abnormal cells. This isn't counting the parts where the instruments look like some type of torture device and they make you more anxious, which makes you even more tense...It's just painful :( Then its the usual 6 weeks of no sex. Which isn't that big of a deal because you can feel that for weeks after the procedure is done anyways.

Either way, my Gyno wants me to take a pregnancy test and I happen to think that is ridiculous. The last time I was intimate, without protection, was waaaay back in August. Would I know I was pregnant by now? This makes little sense to me. But after arguing about it with her I just agreed to get it done. Because really, it's just pissing on a stick and I'm making a big deal about it because I'm infertile and it just makes me feel crappy about it. Then she tells me about surrogacy and that I'd have a good shot at getting an egg donation or something but I'd have to lose weight and stuff. To be honest, I never thought of that. Who ever thinks of donated eggs? So, I guess I have motivation to do something now. Either way, I like my Gyno. She may deafen me with her loudness at time but she is an amazing doctor <3 Totally understanding and willing to discuss other options with you.

After the appointment I came home and just basically chilled. After I ate something. It occured to me that I didn't eat anything at all for Breakfast or Lunch. I didn't notice. Was too nervous but man...was I starving when I got home hahahaha I ended up having some nachos and snagging some of Mums fries on her. Just sat back, read the last Naruto manga (so saaaaaaadd!! :'( and happy) and then just read some fanfiction....and that's how I got distracted.

So this post is yesterdays post hahaha I'll post something tonight for Saturday (today). Hope they make you laugh as much as I laughed at them :D

Hope you had a great Friday ;)

Deep moment...and then silliness to cheer me up :D

Today I cried in my office. I was so frustrated with the symptoms this vertigo crap has given me. I have a hard time with coordination because of the constant dizziness. Walking home like a drunk is starting to lose its funniness and now it's just irritating. Plus my concentration is off...today was just a hard day.

On top of everything else going on in my life, I had a very deep and profound moment that kind of carried me through the entire day in this haze of sadness. I received a text this morning from someone I loved very much and for the first time - nothing. No butterflies. No angst.  No hopefulness. Nothing. It was then that I realized I had already bawled my eyes out for all the ups and downs of a relationship that would never see fruition. I already grieved for the dreams that were once ours and that are solely my own now. I already cried over the friendship that could have built the solid foundation of our relationship. I laid all those hopes, dreams, and mutual goals to rest for the relationship that could never be...for my hopes of what it could be. Now I just feel nothing. I mean, it's like an old friend I don't really talk to but it would be rude to not say hello. Do you get what I mean? It's just like it happened when I wasn't looking. When I was distracted with work, family, friends, and other miscellaneous happenings and busy nothings...but I felt more alone in the world. A little more of an island than I have in awhile. It was sad :(

So, when I got home I was still upset. It made me sad to be so frustrated and to feel a lil more alone since it is not something I am used too. I enjoy my own company but am still struggling with the whole feeling alone and solitude and being alone, and lonely and lonesome. Because apparently they aren't the same. If only life came with a manual...I'd look this shit up! hahaha Buuuut...after  my family left and I signed into FB since demented Aryn kept sending me crazy messages hahaha We had the most epic convo hahaha It cheered me up...since today was one of those days...here is the pics of the convo hahaha

annnd what you aren't seeing is the part where my Mum tells me "Hey my baby girl...I really like those nails..." hahahaha

On that note...smile while you still have teeth :D

~ Julia