Ahem...moving along...
I have the worst luck with men named Robert. I had this gym teacher growing up, I had a crush on him, and I broke my leg on the damn balance beam. Then there's the fact my biological Father, Robert, is definitely not a runner up for Father of the Year and has actually repeatedly denied being my DNA contributor. Then there's Robert my Ex-fiance who was emotionally constipated. Then Robert the guy I dated for 2 weeks before I found out he was heavily involved with his gaming console (I was the OTHER woman) LOL. Then there was Robert the RCMP cop. Oh, but I am a sucker for a man that comes with his own cuffs...hahahaha ;) But he was more interested in his reflection than the fact I was gone for 20 minutes before he realized I left the restaurant 0_0. Then there was Rob the Dog Guy who does everything with his best friend - I MEAN EVERYTHING! Which is when I high tailed it out of there. The list goes on...oh...and there is friend Robert who puked on my new pumps. So yeah...it's a sign 0_0 hahaha shit!
Cough...anyways...moving on...
I was deeply in love with a man named Robert when I was much younger (less of a backbone and yes, a Robert). As much as I want to hate him, a part of me will always love him because he was a huge part of my life. He taught me many things. In the end, he taught me about real intimacy but he also taught me about betrayal. I do not regret a single moment spent with him. He loved me with everything he had and in a way only he knew how. But we were young and I really did expect him to love me and only me. Regardless, I never once cheated and to this day he says he never did. Although that could be the numerous times I have threatened to take a sledgehammer to his balls if he isn't being honest with me (which I know he is lying but who cares anymore?!). The threat is just a force of habit now hahahaha I did grow a backbone...but there were times where I was scared of him - really scared....but let's not go there.
Either way...it wasn't always bad. He could be charming, funny, silly, and sweet. The most beautiful memory isn’t of our love making or when he sent me flowers or anything like that really. I was resting on the futon with my eyes closed and I guess he thought I was sleeping. He brushed a strand of hair out of my face and said “Beautiful…I had no idea I was this lucky…to love you…” We had our moments like every couple but some things I just couldn't forgive so easily. Like how his Grandma and his Aunt didn't approve of me or us living together - this led to me moving out. I no longer felt welcome in our place together. Being called a 'evil, vile, temptress' and being told 'you're just going to tarnish his reputation' and all he said was "Just ignore them" - No. That's just too much disrespect to ignore. I don't think I ever did move past how he did not stick up for me over this or exert his control over our living space. Then when I started to go out and make friends it got worse. He got worse. He would accuse me of the most ridiculous things. He would say that my friends were trying to take me away from him which wasn't true. It was him. It was him that was pushing me away. I wanted to be close to him but we never went to bed at the same time. I lived somewhere else - because he let his family bully him into separating us. I had to be available when he wanted me and that is not how it works.
Yet, when we were together, just us, he
would be charming, funny, make really lame jokes and he would make my
heart smile in a way only he could. He would harass me until I
stopped being mad with him. *laughs* Which means he would follow me
into the room with the single bed where I was planning to sleep and
make me push over so we could sleep together. He was deceptively
strong. He would literally push me over until I caved in and we went
to sleep in the big bed. Except for those times where I was so mad I
just left and didn't come back for hours on end. When I came back
he would be sleeping in the big bed and I would go sleep in the
single bed until he woke up. Then he would crawl into the single bed
with me and sleep there until I woke up. Sometimes when he was mad at
me he would leave for hours on end and I would sleep in the big bed
and he would go to single bed. Then I would go wake him up and drag
him to the big bed since I was more of an early morning person then.
We would discuss what led up to our fight like normal people now
that the tensions aren’t so high. I loved him completely. I loved
him in a way I never knew I was capable of loving a man. I loved him
without conditions. I loved him truthfully and honestly. I loved him
enough to want to share my life with him. Yet, now I'm very grateful we never took that step together.
He was away in the Yukon when I got a
call from a girl named Diini. She asked if he was there and I said no
but would you like to leave him a message. She said just tell him his
girlfriend called and that I love him too and miss him already. I
said well isn’t that funny since I am his common-law wife. This led
to me hanging up the phone repeatedly (with force) and crying. I
called my roommate to come pick me up at my partner’s place. He
came and got me and helped me move all my stuff back to our
apartment. I cried while my roommate held me. Then I woke up and cried some more. My roommate taught it was the saddest thing he ever seen. I think I could almost
forgive him cheating on me but not emotional infidelity. To me it was
as if our entire relationship from start to finish was a lie. Every
time he said he loved me became tainted. Every time he held me close
because he missed me was a lie. It tainted every happy memory I had
of him. I felt like a fool.
It got nasty after I ended it. That's right! No backbone Julia ended her own drama cycle! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Huzzah! Whoop Whoop! hahahaha :P
Seriously though, it was hard. I wanted to go back so many times. Then there was the endless dating and one-night stands I went on. Not really endless but anything more than 5 dates always feels like too much. hahaha I ended up rebounding on my roommates brother and we spent a lovely 6 months together. It was love and sex. Hedonism. He taught me all kinds of things hahaha In reality, despite our active sex life, it was mainly emotional. He taught me what I was willing to risk for those I cared about. Strange too...considering I have always been 75% sure that man doesn't know how to love himself or trust and believe in himself. I missed him like crazy when I moved back. But we ended it because he wanted to be with his ex and I just wanted him to be happy - even if I wasn't the one he was happy with ya know. Cheesy, cliche and corny - but that's me.
Oh! Here's proof that I am a regular human being....
Ahem...
The night before I moved back to Quebec, I got together with my ex (Rob) and we ended up getting it on. We did it. What that stupid shirt he was wearing said...we did that! LOL I really was just horny. There. I said it. I wanted what he could provide for me since I knew I was coming back to the rez. I mean...Come on! This is the man I shared 8 years of my life with. The man that was my best friend and then my lover. The man I wanted to marry. We both weren't attached to anyone so...one thing led to another...and I left him in the morning. Without any sadness. It felt like closure. It felt like just sex.
Years later, having heard of his intent to marry, I wished him luck. I really do hope he finds someone to be happy with. Someone he can be content with. Someone who irritates him in they way he irritates them - but they stay together because they want each other just the way they are hahahaha That kinda happiness :D
Unfortunately, they did not make it to the altar. They are not together anymore at all. It is a shame but it is probably for the best. Either way, I still wish him the same happiness. I am going to keep running wild until someone either tackles me to the ground and pins me hahahaha Or until I bump into someone, out there, running around just as wildly as I am ;) <3
Till then...
No comments:
Post a Comment