- Get fed up with drama.
- Get upset.
- Get mad/rage monster angry.
- Vow revenge.
- Decide best revenge is to be better than them and take the high road.
- Start planning on re-vamping their life.
- Do retail therapy.
- Decide on how to live better.
- Come up with all these plans to get the life they were convinced would make them happy.
- Decide that it would have to wait because new drama is taking precedent over making actual changes to their life.
and rinse and repeat by falling back into habits that brought the whole situation about in the first place.
I had no idea how much life that sucked out of me. Seriously. Who knew listening to this kind of talk could be so...draining. I noticed I was feeding into it myself and that I was picking up with habit. Which is why I pointed it out to my former friend and thus...the reason why we are former friends. I am unapologetically in a good, solid relationship with myself. I love myself. I love who I am. I may, from time to time, decide to overhaul certain aspects of my life to suit me better, but I do follow through. I am committed.
I made a promise to myself years ago. I promised to always be true to myself. To always be honest with myself. I need to be able to trust myself, not hide from myself. I need to know I can depend on me and that I can see things through. I am committed to being who I am and not apologizing for it. I'm sorry if I hurt their feelings but they did ask for my opinion and they got it. I am not apologizing for what I said or how I said it either. It was delivered in a sensitive manner but if they can't face their own truth, even when it's pointed out to them and need to blame their own flaws on someone else, then no. Just no.
I am happy being myself. There are aspects of me that I would love to change and this is why I am always a work in progress. I keep learning new things about myself. I accept the parts of me that are not so pretty. The dark, raw edges of who I am - the parts that I don't like but I am light so I must always carry shadows. The good with the bad and vice versa. My former friend said something to me that made me realize that I am lucky I know myself - because I might have believed what she said about me.
So, there are times where someone says something about me and it actually affects me. I could careless about people who think they know me. People who think they know me are absolutely ridiculous. They know this and that about me. Then they take what they think they know about me, what they know is fact, and sew that shit together - but only in a way that makes sense to them...because that's what they would have done in my situation. It's so subjective because it's typically done by people who are judging you. Well, my former friend called me a judgmental bitch, cheap, a whore, a liar, a thief, and that I don't even know myself - that I am a phony. Who even uses the word 'phony' anymore? *LOL* The truth is simple - I know myself and I know what they said isn't true. It's not true because I know who I am, what motivates me, I know my values and I know my own heart. If I was not confident in my own sense of self, I would have let their reality of who they think I am, become my reality. I would have let them define me. That's wrong. I am perfectly fine just being myself.
Still, there are times I do get hurt when someone says such vulgar and hurtful things about me. Even if they aren't true, it still hurts because I care for the people I let get close to me. I love them. I may not say it - but I do. It DOES hurt when someone I love can think so poorly of me or treat me in such a manner...but that's only because I keep expecting them to treat me how I treat them. I really need to stop having expectations of people. Well, maybe not unreasonable ones I guess hahahaha I accept them for who they are and have learned to accept that some of them will ALWAYS be late, others will ALWAYS wear their shoes in my house or leave shove their wrappers into my couch, and some will ALWAYS need to be in a relationship to feel whole. I love them. I don't need perfect people - just ones that can love me for ALWAYS going on and on about how my teeth aren't white enough or why I need to change my job but I don't want too because I love the work...LOL They can love me and accept me in-spite of my flaws as well. They love me even if it's the hundredth millionth time they have heard me waffle between school and work. Because they trust me with their heart as much as I trust them with mine - we are all so beautifully imperfect <3
So, instead of pointing out the flaws in my former friends logic I said "Whoa! Okay...now that we have settled how you really feel about me. I can honestly say that this was uncalled for because I was trying to point out to you that I don't want to hear about the stupid situations you keep putting yourself in, hoping to get different results. I supported you through a lot of choices you made that I didn't agree with but you said it made you happy. For awhile, it did. You were happy. What I am not going to support is you consistently self-destructing. You are a strong woman. You are resilient. I just have no idea why you keep doing this to yourself and ruining your own chances for happiness because you base it on what he can do for you. Yeah, he's there more than I am because he lives there but ya know what...that's okay. If this is what you want, okay. Just consider me gone. I refuse to watch someone I love destroy themselves. I made a choice to stop being a spectator to the self-destructive habits of my loved ones. I spoke up and this was the result? No. Once was happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy fire. I love you and wish you the best. I hope you find whatever it is you need to be happy." and I hung up. That was it. There is nothing left.
So, here I am. I know I am an amazing person. I know I am still learning. I make a ton of mistakes but I learn from them. It hurt to make the choice I made but I have to do what is best for me too. I am trying to change my worst habit which is making decisions out of guilt and duty. I have always made my decisions based upon guilt and duty. Guilt because I can't be honest with people about what they think they know about the people in our lives...and duty because I want to protect them from that knowledge as well. I didn't want to know. Some secrets should really just stay with the dead. I want to make more decisions that make me happy and that are strictly for my own well-being. I have been working on this for a long time now and I still feel guilty for enjoying myself when I know someone in my family needs groceries and my money could help them out a lot. I take on all these unnecessary responsibilities and I am changing that about me - not because it's terrible but because it is unhealthy. I need to put myself first without feeling guilty over it. Still, the decision I made to cut my former friend out of my life...it hurts. Change is painful sometimes people. But the pain helps to remind you that you had something you felt was worth it and it helps you learn the lesson. Which reinforces my whole "I need to surround myself with positive people who love themselves and who are capable of loving others with all their heart"
Here I am...I am as much a wonder of the world as you are. There will never be another me and there will never be another you. No one will ever feel as you do nor love as you do nor react as you do. You are the rarest of the rare. A priceless jewel. Your love is a priceless commodity that you willingly give out - FOR FREE!!! Who doesn't want free love? LOL :P But seriously now, you are a MIRACLE. Please just be yourself and you'll be fine. :)
Till next time.
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