Give and take

So, life is truly about give and take.

Lately, I feel like my life has experienced more take than anything. I broke up this guy who I thought was wonderful...till I realized I'd never rate with him.

What I wanted and what he wanted were different. It was all so very different because we are too different. I know that my job isn't my life but to him...his job defines him. Gives him an identity. He spoke of his bank account, his earnings, his property,  and other miscellaneous things that have a monetary value sticker attached. ..and all I could think of was "does he value money more than his relationships?" I cried for a week...every single night because every time I gave him two options, which were time with me or work, he chose work. The message I received hurt me so much. The message that I, because I didn't value money the way he did, had no value to him. So I ended it. I stopped letting him determine my worth, my happiness and my value.

I really loved him though. I miss him but I will move forward. I am resilient. If I ever got one message and understood one lesson from life is that life is all about give and take. At times I experience more give...but right now, I'm experiencing more take.

So, here I am. Experiencing more take. It feels like all I have around me are things being taken. I'm grateful for what I still have but it does not make it easier to cope with emotionally. I had to end a friendship tonight because I refuse to be the cause of fighting. I place such a high value on the people in my life, their happiness and I keep none for myself. I don't regret the choices I have made. I am no martyr though. My wishes are selfish just like everyone elses. I want your happiness...because your happiness feeds my own.

Never count me down and out though. I adapt quickly. Which is a really good thing and a really bad thing. I will bounce back better than ever. I will build up my life, my shores, my relationships,  and my heart. ...till you will never even know I experienced any take. Why? Because I am positive by nature (just like I am curious by it)...plus, life is about give and take. I give thanks for the times I did have, I am grateful for sharing my life with them, and I don't take anything foregranted.

Till next time...xoxo

Let Me Lead You Astray...

Let Me Lead You Astray

 

Let me lead you astray...

Let me take your soft, graceful hand in mine and let me lead you...

Let me feel you...

Let me touch you in ways you have never known were possible...

Let me taste you...

Let me run my fingers up and down the sides of your body and let my lips follow those fingers...

Let me wake within you a madness..

Let me touch you till every touch becomes a branding on your very skin...

Let me bring you down the road of temptation...

Let me drown you in sensation after sensation till you crest wave after wave of pleasure...

Let me breathe my lust into you...

Let me be the reason you bite your lip from screaming out my name and proclaiming me your goddess...

Let me consume you...

Let me lick your taste off my lips with half hooded eyes as I watch you pant and whimper out half-versions of my name...

Let me be your desire...

Let me be what you think about when the wind lightly caresses your skin and brings to mind all the times my tongue was on your body and made you shiver in anticipation...

Let me be your compulsion...

Let me be the one thing you cannot stop yourself from reaching for, from yearning for, from needing in order to reach nirvana...

Let me be your addiction...

Let me be the one you loath as I have come to know your body more than you know yourself...

Let me take you...

Let me lead you into my chamber, shut the door and keep you suspended in a hazy euphoric satisfaction at my own whims for however long it pleases me to do so...

Let me take you deeply...

Let me mark you in my branding and submit to my hedonism...

Let me be your madness....

Let me be the fire that burns you and the hand that cools you...

Let me bring you back...

Let me fill the void inside of you and fill that void with pleasure wrung screams, lusty exhalations, bright hopes and all the false promises of tomorrow...

Let me touch you here...

Let me know you in a place where there is only comfort in our closeness and with each inhalation there are only dreams that never end...

So let me lead you astray and all that I am is yours as I consume you...

 

• Julia Polson
• May 7 2014

Dear Self...

Dear Self,

I am so very proud of you. The past year has not been kind to you but you learned so much through it all. You struggled after your surgery to remove some abnormal cells during this month last year. You struggled through so much loss in the past year. Loss of loved ones, loss of love, loss of confidence, loss of faith, and loss of self. Still you are here. Still you are strong. Still you persevere where others would have lost hope and given up. You are more resilient than you have ever given yourself credit for. Do not count your worth in pennies when you alone are worth so much more than a King's ransom.

You may not have been aware of it but slowly watching your heart get beaten, taken for granted and treated as less than the precious gift it is – was slowly eroding you. Slowly, but surely, the poor treatment your heart received was destroying the very thing that made you so very much you – you're smile that shows all you're very giving heart. It is your right to be angry but once you were done being angry, you celebrated to turn what should have been a painful memory into something joyous. Simply because you loved someone enough to want them to be happy...even if that happiness took them away from you. I'm proud that even if it hurt you, you did stay true to your beliefs and to your heart.

I am so very proud of you for holding yourself together but, more so, for letting yourself lean on people this past year. Never before have you allowed so many people to see inside of you and to hold your hand in your weakest moments. Despite your happy disposition you have held numerous people at arms length. You have trusted in those you care for to be strong enough to help you with this burden you have been carrying. You have let them see you terrified, scared, hopeless, frustrated, and feeling a little more than broken at times. But, each time you felt like that, someone was there to remind you that no matter what, you would be okay. The “YOU” they know would come through. The person that laughs at inappropriate times because her nerves are bad. The person who walks with a smile on her face while listening to music because of the joy the lyrics and memories bring to her. The person who laughs so loud people five streets over can hear her. I am so very proud that you learned to not give up on yourself and that it is okay to let others be strong for you. I know because of your past you have had a very hard time depending on people but you fought your fear and here you are! You kept moving forward as your motto was last year – life isn't about comparisons, it's about moving forward.

This might sound a bit sadistic of me but I am glad you learned to cry in front of people this year. I am glad you let your Mum hold you when you were scared. I am glad you found strength in your Mum, Dad and those you call your best friends. I am glad that you were honest with them about what scary things the Doctors were telling you. I am glad that they gave you the things you didn't even know you needed – patience and acceptance. After all, it is scary to be told that due to something beyond your control that parts of what make you, so very you, could be missing and you wouldn't even know it was gone. All because of three blood disorders causing a series of seizures. Having to re-learn so many different things was frustrating, irritating and somewhat exciting in its own way. I know it is still frustrating to have to really concentrate to remember the phone numbers you used to know by heart. Or the recall the recipes that used to be second nature but that's okay. You can always learn to do it again. Those old pathways may be dead to you now but just because something is not there anymore doesn't mean you can't make new memories. You are strong. You are like the reed in the rush of the river. You bend...you do not break.

I am glad you had people you could depend upon. I am glad you learned a very valuable lesson – those who want to be a part of your life, make time for you and strive to be a part of it. In return, you have done all that you have possible to try to remain a part of their lives. I know you would give them whatever you possibly could because what they have gifted you with is considered priceless and precious by you – trust, love, faith, laughter and loyalty. Yet, they have asked only one thing in return – that you remain you. They have only wanted you to be yourself and everything would be fine. They even understood when you couldn't be yourself because you weren't sure who you were or where you were going. While you were wading through uncertainties and painful realizations they were there. Always supporting. I hope you realize how truly blessed you are. Not many people can claim to have so many people love them the way you are loved by them. There is a saying that goes “To love someone is madness, to be loved by someone is a gift, loving someone who loves you is a duty, but being loved by someone whom you love is life.” You love them because it pleases you to do so. Having there love just makes life so much more bright. :D

I am so very sorry you lost so many loved ones this past year. I am so very sorry that your heart was bruised and pieces of it hurting (and are still healing). I am so very sorry that there are people you cared for deeply but are not able to make new memories with. But remember the single truth you learned so very long ago, it is not possible to lose somebody for somebody can never be lost. When you find them, you find yourself again. They are a part of you as much as you were a part of them. No matter how fleeting there presence was or how deeply entrenched they were in your life, they changed something in you simply by being. The world spun a little faster because they were a part of it. The world was brighter. While they no longer tread the Earth, it is important that you remind yourself that they are never too far. It is impossible to leave the memory once you have etched them into your heart.

I am pleased that you found your faith again. While being told you were infertile you floundered for awhile. Not caring about what happened to you anymore as you grieved for all the possibilities and dreams you had to lay to rest. While your heart and spirit were in repose I remember the dream you had. You dreamt once more of your Mama and this beautiful little boy she brought with her. With hair as black as night (like his Father's), with your eyes and smile, and his chubby little hands holding yours. He was perfect. The perfect mix of you and his Father. He reminded you of the promise you made to him once upon a time. That as long as he was near, you would find a reason to be happy. Then he told you that he was always near so you have no need to ever feel sad. You made a choice to make a birthday cake instead of wallowing in your grief as you have done every year since you miscarried him all those years ago. You made a choice to celebrate and that little bit of happiness was the first time you felt the ache in you lessen. You may never have held him in your hands but he grew in your heart and that is all that matters. To you, he was love, life and happiness. To him, you were very much the same. It wasn't till that morning that the thought finally occurred to you that maybe his lesson during this life was to know a love so fierce, so encompassing, so unconditional and selfless that you loved him that much...he could go back to wherever it is we all come from.

I am surprised at you though. Once July passed and you got the trash out of your life completely, you started to shift. You became more aggressive in what you wanted, but more specifically, the life you wanted. You learned that those you trusted could betray you but you would forgive them but never...would you trust them again. You learned about the different types of betrayal and you knew then that it only hurt because it was done by those you trusted. I know trust to you means more then the dictionary says it is. To you when you trust it means you are trusting someone to hold your heart safe, to keep your spirit warm and shining, and to protect your dreams as you would do the same for them. To have someone violate what you considered a precious gift – it changed you. Because you are older now and have more experience with this, you learned something about yourself that even surprised you. It was easy to be cruel. You thought about it often enough but refused to sink to that level. Just because it is easy to be cruel does not make it right. It was right to be kind, despite it being the hardest thing possible. You learned that forgiveness may be given but trust is earned. You learned to push past your limits. You are a very stubborn woman and if it wasn't for people making you take care of yourself I am positive you would have been hospitalized by now hahaha Still, I am saddened for you because you learned a lesson I never wanted you to learn for I believe you are a giving person...But this became necessary – everything needed to play out the way it did instead of letting your kindhearted nature take over. It was time for you to learn that you can't always just forgive someone because they need you to. It is sometimes necessary for them to prove they've earned it.

This past year you learned another lesson – you learned that love grows. It can sprout from friendship, affection, respect, or passion; it has to be nurtured or it withers before it has a chance to bear fruit; it requires communication, respect, trust, commitment and fidelity. It was then that you realized and stopped dating that guy because you didn't want to be stuck in a relationship with another male who couldn't be bothered with you. You have had enough of that. You then asked your well meaning friends to stop trying to set you up with someone who obviously has no real interest in you. After all, it is very human to want someone to love you and actually strive with all their being to make you happy...instead of looking at you like your taking up space and oxygen. It was then that you learned that to care is to fear and to fear is to be made vulnerable. Still, you being so you, realized that in being vulnerable you found a strength you never knew you could possess. I'm not sure you know this but not everyone has the courage to live through their vulnerabilities or to face them. Just as not many know how to truly care and live in harmony with every desire of their greedy little hearts. Duty comes before desire and it is not truly possible to start the future with the past hanging around the way it does when things are unresolved.

It then became necessary to face everything that happened throughout this year and really take stock of who you were as a person. To really look at yourself and embrace the ugly parts along with the good parts...and love yourself in spite of them. You are so very beautiful. You are more courageous than you realize. You are more resilient than you think. You are more loved than you will ever truly know. You had so many epiphanies that there could be a book written on those alone. But Self, I think you should know something really simple...a simple truth – your smile reaches your eyes again. I don't care if you never learn how to type without having to back track to make sure you didn’t put down the wrong word or if you still have problems with numbers years from now. Just as long as your spirit can smile and it shows in your eyes I am pleased. You make me happy. Thank you for being you. <3

What Mike Keegan Taught Me...

So, I had a date while I was on my vacation. Yes, I know I promised a HUGE vacation write up but I've decided to keep some of those things to myself. The next one I will for sure take pictures...this one...I needed the quality me time. Anyways, back to my date with Mike Keegan. 

Oh so alluring Mike Keegan who is like...hmmm...watching him walk is like foreplay. His voice is a smoky, soothing but too damn seductive voice. Amazing light olive green eyes with hints of gold in them. The biggest white toothy smile that could blind you.The body that filled out that navy blue suit was drool worthy. Beautiful creamy milk chocolate skin and waaay out of my league! *LOL* 

I am totally turned on by intelligent and wholesome men. I would have been attracted to Mike (and less intimidated) if he showed up to lunch in just some casual clothes. I would have been attracted to Mike if he was going bald and had some meat on those bones. What I am trying to get at here is the reason why me and Mike didn't click (I couldn't even kiss him on the cheek) was because as beautiful to look at as Mike was... he was simply too much ego and was a complete elitist. While he wanted to engage in sexual activities with me (he said so!) - I couldn't. I'm the type of woman that you really need to turn on my mind before you can turn on the rest of my body. 

So, while my mind fascinate Mike, his mind did nothing for me. I was bored. I found it hard to sit still and pay attention to what he was saying. I felt like I was in school doing math (OH NO!) again. It was an awful feeling. I ended up telling him that he was handsome and he said "Yeah, all the girls that date me talk about me to all their girlfriends. I know I'm good looking." and I have no idea how to take that at all. How do you respond? Seriously! Someone needs to let me know what to say because I had no idea. All I could come up with was..."Well, that's nice" and smile. That's it! I just knew I wasn't going out with Mr. Keegan ever again...

Then as I was leaving the bistro I met Blake. Tall guy, red beard, brush cut dirty blonde hair, belly poking out, and he was wearing a Star Wars shirt bumped into me. I said "Sorry about the young Jedi but the only force I'm consistently in touch with is gravity" and thus began the most AMAZING afternoon :D I liked Blake and we ended up having pizza together for supper...and drink later that night. We chilled out in the open area of the hotel and talked late into the night. We decided to keep in touch. Uh uh  ahhhh...I'm not going to tell you EVERYTHING we did hahaha but suffice it to say that at some point, during my 8 days of vacation, he did spend the night and yes, we do still talk regularly. I like him. He's interesting, funny, weird (in a cute way), cute, cuddly...but I am not the type of woman that goes "HIM! HE'S THE ONE!" lol That's just crazy!

Either way, what happened at the lake stays on the lake. I will never tell...well...maybe after a few shots of tequila and half a bottle of rum I might be persuaded to share, in illicit, salacious detail everything that happened at the lake hahahaha But I won't. I felt so sexy that I was so happy I brought that feeling home with me. I havent felt sexy in a long time....I almost didn't recognize that feeling. Although, I will definitely have to say that I am seriously wondering what it is about a man using his brain to make or fix something that totally gets me...

Till next time... ;) Keep it sexy xo

Poetry Night - To Cage The Animal In Me & About Her Latest Lover

So, I am saving up all my stories for a HUGE blog entry next Sunday. Till then, I dug into my vault to look for something for you to read. It's old...but it is one of my most favorite poems I ever wrote. The other one is my second fave. Enjoy!

To Cage The Animal In Me

Naked, bare to the world,

all because I let myself be stripped.

The soul that has awakened in me,

is pissed.

Blood of my blood,

all that runs thru these veins

The Calling of the Blood,

from the graves of yesterday.

She has awakened,

all stare and bow down in wonder.

Been a long time in coming,

careful with her...

     she was sleeping for a reason.

She rules her world,

she knows nothing of right nor wrong.

Running purely on instinct,

only answering the soul of the song.

Someone has dared to awaken her,

the beautiful dreamer within.

Pity the fool that crosses her sights,

defiles the hollow ground of her ancestors.

Send her back to slumber..

for her to wake is to call her blood of her blood...

Magic older than you or I

awakens within her from sleep...

The seals have been broken...

say goodbye to the one you know

and welcome the destruction this one brings

in the time where everything is covered in snow.

Send her back from all control

let her fly free

But I digress my child...

 it is far to late now to cage the animal in me...

- Julia Polson

Dec 2nd/07

About Her Latest Lover  

His beautiful, expressive eyes close for sleep,

oh how his passion for me burned true 

He unlocked an entire world in me, 

I whisper gently “crafty bastard making me desire only you”  

You look so peaceful in your rest, 

corruption or temptation was my first intent. 

You bent me to your will, 

hours later my wanton desire is spent.  

Funny how I look at your angelic face, 

and think of something strong, constant and pure; 

odd that I wish to believe that this exists; 

Surprisingly how easily I fell into the ecstasy of your kiss.  

I could close my eyes and recall every touch, 

every time his hands sought fulfillment in me. 

Every time he whispered how he wanted to embed himself, 

to be more than just a memory.  

I can feel the pleasant ache of his presence inside of me, 

I can taste his flavor once more exploding on my tongue, 

Our sinful scents fill the air and you see, 

the body still quivering blissfully...  

His moans and urgings still fill my ears, 

this is no angel cuddled to my breast. 

Still, he is marvelously beautiful and otherworldly, 

this angelic masculine man that desires only me.  

You would have to be strong to keep me, 

I am not one for being tame. 

Ruthless, possessive, affectionate, compassionate, 

be careful that being with me is your aim.  

For I will not always bend to your will, 

I will not always be this forgiving of your manipulation. 

There is no rest for the wicked...

           and I so rarely sleep...  

– Julia Polson 

– March 16, 2010

Emotional Entry Day

So, I am writing this to you after having a good cry. I am really incapable of hiding my feelings well. A friend of mine is hurting because I couldn't love him. It is impossible for me to explain how sad it made me when he accused me of not loving him. Which is totally not true. I do love him very much...the problem is I am NOT in love with him.

When I think of Paul (let's call him that), I don't feel what I know I should be feeling if I was in love with someone. Paul brings a smile to my face and seeing him happy warms my heart...but he doesn't make my heart smile. He doesn't dominate my thoughts. He isn't who I want to build a life with. He isn't the person I need in order to be happy. I can be happy without Paul. I know the sun will continue to shine without him. It makes me sad to even say things like that but he's Paul and I am Julia. We are friends.

I think what hurts the most about this entire situation is that Paul was a great friend...and because I don't feel the same way he does...he's hurting. It really sucks to hurt someone you love because you can't love them in the way they need to be loved. It makes me sad because he really is a great, amazing person and I wish I could love him the way he loves me.

*Adult Themes* Romance...where art thou?

So, I always say I am not dating ever again and somehow I get roped into considering a date with some guy I just met. Of course that had to happen this past week. Although, I have yet to say yes, I also wonder what the hell ever happened to romance?! Is romance as dead as my childhood dream to watch a cow jump over the moon?! hahaha but in all seriousness what happened to romance, where did it go, and how can I get it back. So, let's look at the past first....before I say yes....

Of course, everyone of my friends remembers the year of my insanity. I was seeing this therapist and after FINALLY discussing all my past relationships and experiences (sexual and otherwise) we discovered I went a little off road on my love map. She recommended 6 months of celibacy - no dating, no sex, nothing! I really, really wanted to die at 3 weeks. Everything was phallic for the entire time. I think I seen a penis in everything. 0_0 I am positive there was this pen I had that even looked like a penis...till I chewed on the cap BWAHAHAHA!!! Anyways, I was celibate before so I knew I could do this. Around 3 months I noticed something, I changed how I viewed men.

My confession...I am a jerk. An asshole and I have said it before but I will say it again - I used men as much as they used me. Except I was an honest asshole and would straight up say "I am not looking for anything beyond this room. This is just a physical thing for me. I don't need you blowing up my phone as much as I don't need another hole in my head so...if we are clear...striptease for me.." hahahaha What?! I like to get the mess out of the way...but that is what my therapist was trying to point out. That I have a nasty habit of keeping my distance because of my infertility and the one guy who dumped me because I can't have kids. Not because he didn't love me or anything. But because I am "not going to meet his future needs" and he didn't see why he should limit himself just because I was defective. Anyways, this led to what my friends lovingly called "Julia's Man Eater" phase.

So, I kept my emotional distance by having all these pleasurable, salacious, oh-my-god I am hoarse from it all, sexual relationships. I preferred to call it "taking a lover". When I took a lover we went through what we both expected from this, what we wanted to get, our do and don'ts and the things we could handle (sleepovers was a no for me!) and the emotional distance we need to keep. What ended up happening was attachment issues...from them for me. I wasn't willing to try. I was scared. I was terrified of being emotionally vulnerable to anyone. Rob betrayed me. Adrian destroyed my self-esteem. Paul had me doubting my life choices but I am positive I went off road on my love map with Warren.

Warren was a wonderful man. I loved him. I made love with him. I had sex with him. I had sex with him and another guy. I held him as he cried and he held me when I was scared. I laid in bed with this man and talked about our hopes and dreams. We talked about our day. We tickled and play fought each other. We ate pancakes hahahaha We weren't in any sort of relationship either. We just were. It worked out that way. I accepted him as he was and he did the same. I loved him and that was enough for me. I knew he was never mine. I don't regret it. I will always enjoy the time we had together. I look back on it fondly. I am just positive that he was the last time I would open my entire heart because that was the last time I ever loved like that. hahaha Not to say I never loved Adrian, Paul or Rob. I really did. They just never ignited in me what Warren did. Warren was special. If I had to describe what Warren was to me...hmmm...he was hot summer rain on a sunny day. He was refreshing. Broken but he never asked me to be more than myself and I needed that then. Rob and his family made me feel less than human.

Either way, I took the best advice and the worst advice - to get over a man - get under a new one. You know, people just think because I am a big woman (overweight, large, obese, whatever you want to call it) that I don't have an active sex life or I don't groom myself. For example, this man once asked me in the pharmacy if the carpet matched the drapes (my hair was dyed pink) and I told him "Do I look bald?" and he shut up. BWAHAHAHA The rest of us just laughed. ...Anyways...back to what I was saying...So, this is what happened - I couldn't tell where my lust ended or where my love began. Cliche? Yes. The truth? Positive. Dumb? Pretty much. But the FEELS!!!

So, before I explain my random (apparently VERY random) yearning for romance, let me tell you about my lust. There is only one man in my life that ignites my lust just by say "hello" and even thinking of his voice, the promises of hours of pleasure in that simple word alone...okay...this would be the best way to describe what he is to me.

My god this man...even his texts make me feel wanton and leave me wanting more and more until there is nothing but some shell of burnt out desire lost in a haze till I literally...just sleep. The best sleeps are after...well...you know hahahaha He gave me so much confidence in myself. He is simply amazing but I respect his privacy and will not be naming him other than calling him Jay. Well, Jay would say things like "you drive me crazy" and "I love your body. You don't need to hide from me" and some other things that could make harlequin blush. Coming from a series of relationships where I felt like nothing to having someone want me, even if it was only physical, was something I needed at that time. We were very open with each other once I got past my shyness (okay, he still is so intense I feel shy at times hahaha) and from him I learned what lust really meant. I was able to distinguish how I can live without him and how it didn't hurt me when he was in a relationship with someone else after a couple of years. I was happy he found someone. Someone to meet more than the physical needs that I only wanted him to meet.

I wanna know what love is

So, I know what love is. I don't need Foreigner to start blasting into my ears singing about wanting to know what love is hahaha I know! I actually really do know what love is and yes, there has been heartache and pain but I'm good. I am willing to try - for the right man. I miss feeling that kind of love. To me, that kind of love is romance. It's feeling beautiful, desirable and wanting to treat your partner like they are the most precious person in your entire world...simply because they are. They are attractive even when they are being jerks or emotional. They make you want to hold them. They make you want to take care of them because you love them. That is romance. Romance isn't just butterflies. That's not to say I haven't had romance in the past hahaha

So, there was this guy named Jansen. Jansen was an amazing engineer, a brillant man, dedicated to the job and a hopeless romantic. I really wish things worked out between us but he was dedicated to the job, and despite how romantic he was (cavity inducing sweetness), he was only romantic when he messed up. Like missing a supper with his family and I was there without him. Not to say I didn't love all the ways he made it up to me....but I wanted someone here. Someone who could be HERE. I knew there was no way I could compete with his wife (the damn boats he builds are his wives!!!!) so I left. But not before that beautiful, saccharine man taught me things. Like how much I turn to gooey gushing melted mush when I get a full body massage while he is whispering to me all the things he adores about me (some of them even being my flaws!). Or when he would pick me a flower and tuck it into my ear and tell me that my smile puts flowers to shame. Or when he would recite poetry simply because he knew I love poetry. Not necessary romantic poetry either hahaha There was this time he read me everything about death that Emily Dickinson wrote hahahaha I learned romance was how he would hold my hand when we went somewhere together. Or how he would always find some way to touch me, whether it be my shoulder or arm. Or how he couldn't seem to pass by me without giving me a kiss and making me smile and giggle. If only he stopped doing work at home so much and if only his eyes didn't light up when he talked about working in Ireland with a new company...I might have stayed.

I learned well from the men I mentioned about love and lust but I got so much screwed up...I decided on taking a year of celibacy. So, no sex, no solo missions, nothing for an entire year. It was frustrating but freeing. I learned more about who I am as a person and what I want in a partner than anything before. I made choices, some not so smart, and entered into a relationship that we all know was doomed to failure but I just had to ride it out....like it was some kind of earthquake. I guess it was in a way because it turned into a disaster. I ended up learning who my real friends are, what I could forgive, that I was still capable of love, and that I can accept all of me. I love all of me. I love and romance myself regularly. I can have healthy sexual relationships again. Sure, I waited awhile after my last relationship disaster, and trust me - the word disaster does not even cover how badly that one was -, but I learned. I learned to tell when my lust ended and where my love began. HA! Fuckers need to make that into a song.

So, I am ready for a new emotionally healthy and stable, mentally sound, and honest man to come into my life. I am really willing to wait. I have no problems with waiting hahaha I don't have sex with everyone I date. But even if I did, who's business is that?! Seriously, they MADE A SONG ABOUT IT. Salt 'n' Pepa and it's aptly titled "None of your business" hahaha I know perfectly well that I would much rather falling asleep in the arms of someone I care for (and am learning to love), than not doing just that. Who wouldn't want to fall asleep with someone you can trust to be there in the morning and every morning thereafter? When I love, it is with everything inside of me, and I try to do everything possible so they know, feel, and can tell that they are treasured and cherished. Not just with material things but with little things like text messages just to say I miss you or thought of you or little notes in his wallet or making him coffee...or taking him golfing and he can laugh at how horrible I am at it HAHAHA That is romance...that is love...and THAT is what I am waiting for...

So, romance...

                                          where art thou???

Till next time... xoxo 1/2

Mama - Tomorrow I am going to pretend to be okay...

So, I told a lie today.I was asked if I was okay and I said yeah. I didn't even realize I did until he made me look at him and he said "No. You're not" and then I cried. Because I am not okay. I have been really lonesome lately for my Mama. I have been thinking so much about this woman and the day the Oncologist said she had small cell lung cancer. I remember the stricken look in her eyes, how tightly she gripped my hand, how I had tears in my eyes when I turned to her and said "Don't worry Mama. You won't ever be alone. I will be here every step of the way with you. I love you. I'm here." June the 15th 2005. Gods I miss her sooo much it hurts. I miss everything about that wonderful woman. There was always sunshine in her smile. I would give just about anything just to have her smile at me once more.

I have been crying a lot lately and no one has really noticed. Not because I am ashamed of my feelings and been hiding my tears but because it never occurred to me to cry out the way I miss her right now. Plus the tears tend to sneak up when I have a lull in my day and out of nowhere I smell lilacs and I think of her. I miss how well she knew my heart. I miss her so much that I can't breathe sometimes. I can only hope that she would be proud of me. That she would still stand by my side in every decision that I make. She knew me and loved me anyways.  There are so many things I want to share with her. So many hopes, and dreams and I miss her. I want her to share in my joys with me. I want her to share in my sorrows and make everything better by simply telling me “shaaaa Julianna...everything is going to be okay.” I never knew the power those words held until she was gone and there was no one to make things okay. I had to do it on my own.

When she left us, her family, it was like all the heart went out of us. It was like having no sunshine in your life, no bounce in your step, no direction, and no one to kick your ass back on track. Perhaps we are children because she kept us this way. It was from her that I knew what it meant to be strong...to have strength without being physically strong. To have reasons that keep you from madness and drowning in despair. She was my reed...the reed that's roots are deep in the mud, that doesn't break but bends in the unforgiving current and that is so much more or just as beautiful and magical as the trees lining the shore.

I am glad she knew me. She knew I love her like I love my own Mother. She knew she was my heart's treasure. She knew that she was home to me. She knew she was my rock. I never hid that from her. No matter how angry I got with her...she was always and will always be my first home. If I could have a moment with her I would want her smile, not her tears. I would want her glad grace and not her youth. I would want her weathered and worn hands than her young and supple ones. I would want her hair sprinkled with well earned wisdom than her dark locks of middle age. I would want her as I remember her best...smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter, and to feel her arms around me, holding me close to her heart. Impossible dreams sometimes hurt the most.  

There is no time limit for grief. Time does not diminish the wounds quickly. Time works slowly. Slowly the pain eases...and I can live in my happy memories of her. I can mention her without crying. I can smile and laugh at the things she said or did. I can make bannock and smile softy when I hear the words she used to tell me float to my mind “not too hard and not too long or its going to be tough Julianna...”. I grieve because she was worth losing. I grieve for her yet because I lost something. Can you even lose what was just on loan to you?

I am not as angry as I once was. Nor am I as cynical either. But today...today I have tears...tears because someone reminded me of the last time I was with her, the Doctor's visit that changed all of our lives, and how I still blame myself for not being worried sooner. If only I paid attention sooner...then I wouldn't be living in a memory but being with her..She would be here yet. But we all have someone we miss terribly. I knew what I had though. I knew I had her and I hate it sometimes when I realize I use the past tense. I hate the word "was" because it means she isn't. But I still love her.

I remember so clearly how hard it was that day...how much she tried to make jokes. I will never forget the nurses telling her "what you in for little lady?" and she said "I have lung cancer" and they said "I am so sorry" and Mama said "Oh that's okay. I always wanted to make a beautiful corpse" and we all laughed. I laughed because here was this beautiful, gorgeous, warm woman, trying to hold it together by laughing. I love her even more because I have the same habit too. I laugh to make it easier to deal with the pain. With the hurt...and because life really should just be laughter and tears.

But that night, in the privacy of the hotel room, when I was alone because she wanted to talk to my Aunt Deb alone...I cried. I broke down. I pleaded and begged with gods, demons, devils and spirits to take her cancer away. I needed her. She was home. How was I supposed to know how to live without her? After I stopped crying, had a cool shower, got dressed, had a cigarette (trust me, I know!) and a drink of coffee...I made a choice. I made a choice to be strong for the woman who was always strong for me. For the woman who comforted me when I was far away from home and dealing with the loss of my son. So, I promised myself that I wouldn't shed tears for her - in-front of her. I never cried alone in-front of her. We cried together over a lot of things...all the first she would miss with me. We cried about how we never thought it would be me being the strong one since I was usually the softest one. We cried over my loss and the promise she made me to watch over my son for me till I met them there. We cried over how much we love each other...we looked to the stars every night for one month and watched the sunrise every morning for a month.

I was there because she needed me to be there. I knew how scared she was and she confided a lot of things that are just between me, her and the nights we spent talking underneath the stars. I have no regrets. I did everything I possibly could to make her last summer the best it could be. I helped her as much as I could. I danced with her every day. Even when I knew it would hurt her a little, if she wanted to dance, we danced. I remember when she grabbed my hand and told me it hurts to hold my hand but she still wanted to hold my hand...and I remember how often I prayed for one more week, one more day, one more hour, one more minute...and then I got no more. 

On August 19th 2005 she died. She passed away and was never coming back. I would never hear her words of encouragement or scolding me for doing something reckless again. She would never again be the one I call up at 5 am for comfort because I was feeling a little lost. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry and hurting and there was so so much pain I felt crippled by it...but somehow I wrote a eulogy. I made it through those days of agonizing pain...Then I was sent back to school. My Mama knew my heart so much she knew I would want to stay but she wanted me to finish school...and I never did finish University...because the following year my relationship ended, I got sick and my Papa died the same month. Then I had my own abnormal cells to deal with...I just gave up on being happy.

I thought I would never be happy ever again. One of the poems I read in this book of poetry her and my Papa got me helped. I wanted to give up. This helped me...even if I cry, when I read this I remember all the things she would tell me about being strong. How she would tell me I had a strong heart. How she would tell me everything would be okay. How she, somehow, with just a hug, made it better because she was there. How she told me if she could do something - I could do it too. So, if she could live after losing her Mum at such a young age, then I could learn to do the same. Her will is like fire and everyone in this family carries that flame. This is what the heart of the young man said to the psalmist...

So, tomorrow I am going to pretend to be okay...because really...right now...I'm not. My Aunt is dying of lung cancer. I have already lost my Mama and mon Oncle to it. My other Aunt just fought off lung cancer. I feel like I have done nothing but lose those I love or come close to it. Then learn how to live with the pain of their absence in my every day life. Or the fear of cancer returning. Now, it's a little too coincidental for me that my Aunt would be told she only had some many weeks left just a week shy of when my Mama was told. So no. I am not okay. But I am here. I am strong. I live yet. I just don't know if I have it in me to pray for a miracle. Although I do believe miracles could happen. 

Or maybe the miracle is that we get people in our lives that are amazing and love us. People that see us, that believe in us and that want more for us. People that soothe us and that care for us. Maybe the real miracle is being able to bask in the feelings they shower us in while they live and when they leave...we have the memory of it etched forever in our hearts to call upon to soothe the tempest of grief in our souls. Memories are only as strong as the feelings attached to them...and my Mama's was unconditional love. I really, really miss her...

Doreen Stanger Polson

Lived for 64 years

Loved every single one of mine

To live and learn

So, I have been living on autopilot for too long. I basically just work, eat, work, more work, eat, read (or watch One Piece), shower, brush my teeth, sleep...rinse and repeat. It`s been so crazy busy hectic that I have lost track of time. Literally...lost track of time. Then because I lost track of time, I lost something. Which is why I realized that I need to break this routine because it hit home this time. I had to lose something in order for me to learn. But first...let`s rip my heart out.

So, I started talking with this guy. We both agreed no pressure, no pushing, no pulling and to be friends first. We both agreed to respect each other and not see our ex's in each other. Ya know, see me for me kinda deal. Well, that went to hell in a hand basket with a cute fluffy bow. What started out really great was actually not as great as I thought and I only get it now. Now when my feelings slapped me upside the head and told me "No Jules. No." He was say things like "Oh, my ex-girlfriend made me become this" and when I asked if he was pursuing engineering because he liked it...well...his response was "It's a good field and she said there are a lot of jobs out there." This was the beginning of the most horrendous fail I have had recently. As we are talking and getting to know each other, I didn't even realize how much his comparisons of me and his ex-girlfriend were actually hurting me. The most painful one, and my last straw, "How come you can't make it? My ex'girlfriend would have made time for that. I don't get why you can't be just a little like her" and then I realized my eyes teared. I had TEARS coming out of my eyes. Who the hell does that over coffee and who the hell says what he said?!

I received the message. I finally got it. He didn't want me, he wanted his ex-girlfriend. I spent waaaay too many years fighting tooth and nail to get where I am now...and yeah...I lost GROUND but I could fix that. Which led to me telling him "Umm...you know, it's kind of funny, but not really funny at all, that this whole time you have been saying to not judge you or compare you to other men. To look past skin colour and see you. How you wanted me to care for you as a person, as an individual...then you basically rip into me for not being someone else. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to know you as a person. But instead, you have done nothing but blame me or compare me to her and I seem to consistently come up short. You're a hypocrite and I don't even want to be your friend anymore. I see you. It's a shame you couldn't return the favour." Then I had the worst case of nerves possible. I ended up just leaving. I was gone. I hurt but you know what...this all happened because I'm not someone else...and I'm perfectly fine with that simple fact. :)

So, here I am. Sharing with you this piece of me. This piece that is tender right now. This piece of me that drives me crazy because it is madness to care so much about someone and then to realize they never saw you. I have a soft heart. It is soft and scarred and still beating. Still, I must be just as insane and everyone else out there in the world because I know I will put myself out there again. It is a perfectly natural desire to want someone to see you for you. To know you for you. To accept the good and the not so good and the stuff you are ashamed of and the bad. Love is madness mon amie. Sometimes, in madness, we leave a piece of ourselves there and I am pretty sure that today, I left to pick up the pieces of my scattered life. Because let's face it, I have been juggling this new budding relationship, my usual routine, my friends, family, other obligations and I am feeling just a little crazy (not the fun kind either!). So, now I am going to go back to trying to reaffirm my own sense of self. It wasn't only my heart that took a beating but my sense of self. When you are compared to someone all the time...it wears you out and then it wears you down. :(

So, really, what I lost was ground. By saying ground I mean, I would never normally let someone make those comparisons - REPEATEDLY. He shoved and I moved. I lost ground. I have no idea what I was thinking or how come I didn't let him know how much it bugged me in the first place. Pain is a catalyst my friends. It causes you to really look at what is going on and why you hurt. Or what hurt you. It moves you to action. Well...it moved me anyways hahaha Pain reminds me to hold onto whatever happiness I can find. It's like the bad stuff, pain, enhances the good stuff, joy, and makes it touch deeper inside...and fills me to the brim with warmth...because I know it is a fleeting thing...

So, to live. You live when the past is done. That is something I believe. I do my best to live now instead of then. I guess I forgot to remind myself that just because everything is different - it doesnt mean anything has changed. I will get my footing again...but for now...I am just going to take my time. I am going to smile. I am going to laugh. I am going to leave work and be present (in the moment!) instead of always being late or taking rainchecks. I am going to be silly. I am going to sing off key as much as I want. I am going to just be.

Till next time...

Just Venting...

So, I have a confession to make. I have been an asshole this week. I blew-up in a spectacular way for nothing. Why? I threw an adult version of a spoiled brats temper tantrum. I, literally, gave into the urge to whine, throw something (not breakable!!!!), complain, and be bitchy. There are days where you should just give yourself to freedom to feel all the feelings. ALL THE FEELINGS!! I was irritable. Bloated. Gassy. Looked like puberty just bitch slapped my face and ya know what...tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good.  I wanted to suck that shit up but ya know what else...FUCK THAT!

I have as much a right to my feelings as anyone else. Screw that new age bullshit. I made up my mind to have an amazing day and all day everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong or plain blew-up in my damn face. I am entitled to my damn feelings and if they wanna urge me into throwing my pillow across the room (while screaming at the top of my lungs) - I damn well will do it!! Because I realized that, despite wanting to have a good day, making sure I maintained my professionalism, and not being a total buttwipe to humanity (like the universe was to me!)...bad days exist to remind me to appreciate the good days.

So, after realizing I was entitled to my feelings...I may have went a little overboard in planning my escape from reality. I actually spent my Friday night in with a bottle of wine and a bag of Aero bubbles (because they are my weakness) and got to speaking with one of my ex's. Well, when you are stressed out, and life keeps doing the whole "hit-n-run" all over your carefully well-layed plans...you don't make the best choices...did you know that there are feel good endorphin? :D hahaha Well...I did the rewind and hooked up with my ex which ALWAYS leads to problems. I made a poor decision and I would honestly like to take it back. Despite the sex being satisfying - it is never worth the aftermath of "it could work between us". I know better. It'll never work between us. There is no amount of cunnilingus or orgasms that can repair the fact that he's an arrogant prick who is materialistic and expects me to give up my career for him. I am also a needy person that can't hack the fact that he travels so much out of the country for business he might as well be a damn foreigner. We could be good together but I don't want to give up my life for something that is sketchy-er than the first time a guy has ever said "It's okay baby...just let me put the tip in..." or, my personal fave, "I'll pull out". We ALL know how well that would turn out...but, I do thank him, for giving me all the best feeling good endorphin I needed to survive till today.

Now, it is rather unfortunate that I have come to a realization today...I should never date ever again. I feel sorry for Marc. I literally bit his head off this week when he called and I blasted him, thinking he was someone else, and I said "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?! YOU JUST CALLED 3 MINUTES AGO AND THE 3 MINUTES BEFORE THAT. HOW MANY MORE TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO CALL BEFORE YOU UNDERSTAND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!?!?!" annnnddd...it turns out it was the guy I was sorta dating. Well, needless to say, I am not dating him anymore. I am not dating anybody. hahahaha Poor guy...I would have apologized if I didn't end up going on this rant about how every man that comes into my life lacks a damn backbone. I would love it, if just for once, some guy made a choice about where to go out for supper or what we were going to do this weekend. I am simply tired of being in these Julia-dominated relationships. I'm irritated and annoyed...and now dateless but I deserve it for being an asshole.

Plus, Murphy's Fourth Law came into effect today which is "if there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong" and that's what happened.  My notebook was sent to archive and you'd think I'd be able to find the damn bastard but nope. My minutes, my notes, my strategy guide is all in that ONE notebook...and now it's gone. Into the abyss called "archive room". I just feel a little discouraged.

So, here I am, venting to the world wide web. This no-good-very-bad day has brought about a new appreciation for all the good days. The days where the office equipment does work. Days where the sun is shining. Days where I don't have to fix my insoles because my cat is higher than Scarface right before he introduces you to his little friend (his gun people!!! pervs...lol). Days where I don't have to deal with passive-aggressive crabapples that need to cool their tits (or please get knocked out by one of them when they are going crazy!). Days where my notebook magically places itself back on my desk and my work universe and my home life come together to make love...beautiful...sweet...magically delicious love! LOVE!

But till then...

I'm going to re-consider taking an early vacation from life in general...because Murphy just rode my ass into the ground without lube and it HUUUUUURRRTS!!! lol I'd rather be like that cat outside of Barstow...

Hope you had a better day than me...As for what I am going to do with my evening, I am going to crawl into my bed with a good book and pretend that today never happened.

Till next time...xoxo

Mother's Day Isn't Easy For Me...

Happy Mother's day to everyone! ....


So, I am not even going to pretend I am okay today. I am actually an emotional wreck. Today is Mother's day...It's one of the very few days I dread because I typically either handle it really well or I end up looking like I am in the middle of a mental breakdown. Well, this year I had definitely hit the emotional train wreck station. It's a beautiful day for me to celebrate my Mum (even if I celebrate her every day). I just don't typically handle it well because I am a Mother of a son who died.

I had a late miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, soul clenching and it is pure agony to have a future ripped from you. There are no words to describe it.

So, today, for the first time, I will be around small children on Mother's day. I am so terrified of bursting into tears and worrying them. They are little and I don't think they can understand why Aunty feels sad today. What I know I can do, is hug them a little tighter. I can be strong for people that are important to me and they certainly are important. I mentioned my trepidation to a few of my friends and they all said the same thing - there's a reason.

I get that I avoid things that hurt or avoid anything when I know I am emotionally fragile...but (there is a BUT) I know I am resilient. Loss is a part of life. I get it. I understand. Understanding does not mean I accept it. I hurt. It's like I am bleeding yet inside.

For years after I struggled with depression. I contemplated suicide. I realized how close I was coming to the edge...and how quickly everything that made me Julia was fading away. I made a decision then and there on the bathroom floor (cried so hard I got sick :( ) that I would live my life for us. Full-tilt experience with a capital E for me and my son. But I needed help first. I saw a lovely, culturally sensitive psychiatrist who helped me work through a lot of problems I had at that time and worked with me on my grief.

The biggest hurdles are always the day I miscarried, the date I was due, and Mother's day. Every other day of the year I can pretend I am an ordinary person. Some days I think about my loss. Other days I live out the promises I made to live for the both of us (with gusto!). Mother's day is just like a big slap in the face though. It's a day dedicated to Mother's and for the longest time...I never considered myself a Mother. No one considered me a Mother. It just seemed so taboo to make someone uncomfortable by saying "I'm a Mother" and when they ask how old your children are and you say "I miscarried him 10 years ago"...people get uncomfortable. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just want you to acknowledge that there once was this amazing spirit I housed in my body that left me here. I want you to realize that I am a Mother too. I gave birth to an Angel instead.

Baby Bro vs Big Sister - Just Joking! hahahaha

So, me and my big baby bro haven't always gotten along like this...

We did enjoy watching movies and cartoons together. Scaring our parents together. I helped him learn to walk. To ride a bike. I probably taught him things he might have been better off not knowing hahaha But I never swore around him. Mum used to swear lots.Her favorite swear being fuck. Well, she thought my bro wouldnt' hear her but he did...and once he learned to talk, he learned all the swear words from Mum and used them on me. I told him we found him abandoned in the bush, we took him in, and that our parents would never admit that he was adopted. So, I wasn't always the nicest older sister. Of course, there was all the times he did stuff and I got blamed for it (that big punch bowl being one of them - I still believe he did that deliberately!!!). Our fights were extreme though. We had the most extreme fights growing up. Fights where I wonder how the hell are parents ever managed to survive with me, being the teenager, and him, being the small child, living together...creating havoc and disaster...hahaha

There was this one fight where we were pretty rough with each other. I had made the mistake (okay, I probably was not licensed to teach my brudder that) of teaching him how to do a judo throw and a few karate moves I learned. I'm sure my Mum was sorry she signed those forms when the screams of both her children could be heard from outside, down the road and across the street. Somehow, I can't remember how it happened to be completely honest, but we both dislocated our wrists at the same time. It was pretty obvious that we were brawling with my hair all messy and my bro looking like he got noogied to the extreme. hahahahaha My Mum wanted to take us to the hospital but my Dad, being the calmer of the two, just told us we had this coming...and popped our wrists back into place. But now we knew something we didn't before...Dad could fix us...and it was the most amazing and dangerous knowledge given to us hahahahaha I think my bro dislocated my fingers by refusing to let them go because he wanted to play my Nintendo. I was so pissed the time he popped both our fingers and wrists out of joint that I popped his back into place and it didn't faze me to have to do the same to myself. Then Dad did the worst thing possible...he made us fix ourselves. He said "If you are gonna play so rough with each other then pop your own fingers back into place" so...we stopped playing so rough with each other... for awhile...hahahaha

It only took one thing for my bro to understand that I would always have his back...and that was the time I taught him how to throw a punch to do the most damage. He was being picked on, he refused to let me talk to the lil punks picking on him, so I taught him how to hit for maximum damage and how the point was to do this only to protect yourself. I made sure to say "Once they are down, run like hell. This is just for self-defence only." I remember one of my cousins wanted to beat up my brother and I ended up getting into a big fight that got all of us suspended from school. By all of us, I mean, my cousin's cousin jumped in on the fight. So I was beating up two guys who were teenagers when I was just a kid yet myself. I must have been 11 years old and they were both 13 years old. I distinctly recall pulling my cousin's hair and smashing his face into the ground so I could flip over and knee my other cousin in the face hahahaha But I love my bro and I would do it again. Even if it meant the amount of dusting, cleaning, chores, and never ending grounding I went through. No one gets to pick on my brother but me. Of course, the older we get the more I hear "Aw man. Don't Julia. People are going to think I am a wimp who needs his big sister to fight his fights. I don't. I got this." and there's me "Who cares what people say? Unfair fights piss me off. Fighting is stupid in the first place but unfair ones are the worst." So, we both grew up knowing we had each others back. :) How cute eh? lol My poor poor parents...hahahaha

My bro has seen me at, what I have decided to always call it, "maximum rage". 

There was the time my bro found out my ex-fiance cheated on me and he tried to make me feel better. Gave me a hug. Told me I was better than what my ex deserved. Then he made me laugh by saying "It's too bad though. He always gave me expensive gifts..." hahahaha There have been times where I was so angry I couldn't even speak but tears were coming down my cheeks and he's backed away. Then I leave, taking the door with me. That's usually when the monkeys fly in hot pursuit with me. Although he typically knows what makes me mad. 

We laughs lots though. As we got older and grew more into the responsible adults we are, we got along better. We still acted like kids at times hahaha Still scared each other for the fun of it. Still ganged up on our parents. Still had movie nights. Then we started drinking together...and I encouraged stupid things at times...like that...

But mostly, we always did this...

We had our moments. I just realized that this year that lil shit is going to be 25 years old. I have the funniest memories of us. The times where we destroyed the house with our pillow fights, throwing remotes and cd cases and ANYTHING at each other. Times where we literally slapped each other in the back and ran for our doors laughing and hoping the other one didn't catch us - or else! LOL Someone I had numerous movie nights or marathons in the living room with the mattress in the floor...him hassling me to cook or me hassling him to go to the store for some junk food hahaha We still do that occasionally...

It is nice to have someone who can really understand how things are with our parents and our big family. Someone who knows all the inside jokes. Someone who knows which family member so and so means when they say "stupid" or "dragon" or "creepy" hahaha Someone who has my back no matter what, when or where. Even if it would still be a fight to death for the last cookie hahahahaha 

He's my baby bro!

Who else would build a snow-woman with me? lol