*Adult Themes* Romance...where art thou?

So, I always say I am not dating ever again and somehow I get roped into considering a date with some guy I just met. Of course that had to happen this past week. Although, I have yet to say yes, I also wonder what the hell ever happened to romance?! Is romance as dead as my childhood dream to watch a cow jump over the moon?! hahaha but in all seriousness what happened to romance, where did it go, and how can I get it back. So, let's look at the past first....before I say yes....

Of course, everyone of my friends remembers the year of my insanity. I was seeing this therapist and after FINALLY discussing all my past relationships and experiences (sexual and otherwise) we discovered I went a little off road on my love map. She recommended 6 months of celibacy - no dating, no sex, nothing! I really, really wanted to die at 3 weeks. Everything was phallic for the entire time. I think I seen a penis in everything. 0_0 I am positive there was this pen I had that even looked like a penis...till I chewed on the cap BWAHAHAHA!!! Anyways, I was celibate before so I knew I could do this. Around 3 months I noticed something, I changed how I viewed men.

My confession...I am a jerk. An asshole and I have said it before but I will say it again - I used men as much as they used me. Except I was an honest asshole and would straight up say "I am not looking for anything beyond this room. This is just a physical thing for me. I don't need you blowing up my phone as much as I don't need another hole in my head so...if we are clear...striptease for me.." hahahaha What?! I like to get the mess out of the way...but that is what my therapist was trying to point out. That I have a nasty habit of keeping my distance because of my infertility and the one guy who dumped me because I can't have kids. Not because he didn't love me or anything. But because I am "not going to meet his future needs" and he didn't see why he should limit himself just because I was defective. Anyways, this led to what my friends lovingly called "Julia's Man Eater" phase.

So, I kept my emotional distance by having all these pleasurable, salacious, oh-my-god I am hoarse from it all, sexual relationships. I preferred to call it "taking a lover". When I took a lover we went through what we both expected from this, what we wanted to get, our do and don'ts and the things we could handle (sleepovers was a no for me!) and the emotional distance we need to keep. What ended up happening was attachment issues...from them for me. I wasn't willing to try. I was scared. I was terrified of being emotionally vulnerable to anyone. Rob betrayed me. Adrian destroyed my self-esteem. Paul had me doubting my life choices but I am positive I went off road on my love map with Warren.

Warren was a wonderful man. I loved him. I made love with him. I had sex with him. I had sex with him and another guy. I held him as he cried and he held me when I was scared. I laid in bed with this man and talked about our hopes and dreams. We talked about our day. We tickled and play fought each other. We ate pancakes hahahaha We weren't in any sort of relationship either. We just were. It worked out that way. I accepted him as he was and he did the same. I loved him and that was enough for me. I knew he was never mine. I don't regret it. I will always enjoy the time we had together. I look back on it fondly. I am just positive that he was the last time I would open my entire heart because that was the last time I ever loved like that. hahaha Not to say I never loved Adrian, Paul or Rob. I really did. They just never ignited in me what Warren did. Warren was special. If I had to describe what Warren was to me...hmmm...he was hot summer rain on a sunny day. He was refreshing. Broken but he never asked me to be more than myself and I needed that then. Rob and his family made me feel less than human.

Either way, I took the best advice and the worst advice - to get over a man - get under a new one. You know, people just think because I am a big woman (overweight, large, obese, whatever you want to call it) that I don't have an active sex life or I don't groom myself. For example, this man once asked me in the pharmacy if the carpet matched the drapes (my hair was dyed pink) and I told him "Do I look bald?" and he shut up. BWAHAHAHA The rest of us just laughed. ...Anyways...back to what I was saying...So, this is what happened - I couldn't tell where my lust ended or where my love began. Cliche? Yes. The truth? Positive. Dumb? Pretty much. But the FEELS!!!

So, before I explain my random (apparently VERY random) yearning for romance, let me tell you about my lust. There is only one man in my life that ignites my lust just by say "hello" and even thinking of his voice, the promises of hours of pleasure in that simple word alone...okay...this would be the best way to describe what he is to me.

My god this man...even his texts make me feel wanton and leave me wanting more and more until there is nothing but some shell of burnt out desire lost in a haze till I literally...just sleep. The best sleeps are after...well...you know hahahaha He gave me so much confidence in myself. He is simply amazing but I respect his privacy and will not be naming him other than calling him Jay. Well, Jay would say things like "you drive me crazy" and "I love your body. You don't need to hide from me" and some other things that could make harlequin blush. Coming from a series of relationships where I felt like nothing to having someone want me, even if it was only physical, was something I needed at that time. We were very open with each other once I got past my shyness (okay, he still is so intense I feel shy at times hahaha) and from him I learned what lust really meant. I was able to distinguish how I can live without him and how it didn't hurt me when he was in a relationship with someone else after a couple of years. I was happy he found someone. Someone to meet more than the physical needs that I only wanted him to meet.

I wanna know what love is

So, I know what love is. I don't need Foreigner to start blasting into my ears singing about wanting to know what love is hahaha I know! I actually really do know what love is and yes, there has been heartache and pain but I'm good. I am willing to try - for the right man. I miss feeling that kind of love. To me, that kind of love is romance. It's feeling beautiful, desirable and wanting to treat your partner like they are the most precious person in your entire world...simply because they are. They are attractive even when they are being jerks or emotional. They make you want to hold them. They make you want to take care of them because you love them. That is romance. Romance isn't just butterflies. That's not to say I haven't had romance in the past hahaha

So, there was this guy named Jansen. Jansen was an amazing engineer, a brillant man, dedicated to the job and a hopeless romantic. I really wish things worked out between us but he was dedicated to the job, and despite how romantic he was (cavity inducing sweetness), he was only romantic when he messed up. Like missing a supper with his family and I was there without him. Not to say I didn't love all the ways he made it up to me....but I wanted someone here. Someone who could be HERE. I knew there was no way I could compete with his wife (the damn boats he builds are his wives!!!!) so I left. But not before that beautiful, saccharine man taught me things. Like how much I turn to gooey gushing melted mush when I get a full body massage while he is whispering to me all the things he adores about me (some of them even being my flaws!). Or when he would pick me a flower and tuck it into my ear and tell me that my smile puts flowers to shame. Or when he would recite poetry simply because he knew I love poetry. Not necessary romantic poetry either hahaha There was this time he read me everything about death that Emily Dickinson wrote hahahaha I learned romance was how he would hold my hand when we went somewhere together. Or how he would always find some way to touch me, whether it be my shoulder or arm. Or how he couldn't seem to pass by me without giving me a kiss and making me smile and giggle. If only he stopped doing work at home so much and if only his eyes didn't light up when he talked about working in Ireland with a new company...I might have stayed.

I learned well from the men I mentioned about love and lust but I got so much screwed up...I decided on taking a year of celibacy. So, no sex, no solo missions, nothing for an entire year. It was frustrating but freeing. I learned more about who I am as a person and what I want in a partner than anything before. I made choices, some not so smart, and entered into a relationship that we all know was doomed to failure but I just had to ride it out....like it was some kind of earthquake. I guess it was in a way because it turned into a disaster. I ended up learning who my real friends are, what I could forgive, that I was still capable of love, and that I can accept all of me. I love all of me. I love and romance myself regularly. I can have healthy sexual relationships again. Sure, I waited awhile after my last relationship disaster, and trust me - the word disaster does not even cover how badly that one was -, but I learned. I learned to tell when my lust ended and where my love began. HA! Fuckers need to make that into a song.

So, I am ready for a new emotionally healthy and stable, mentally sound, and honest man to come into my life. I am really willing to wait. I have no problems with waiting hahaha I don't have sex with everyone I date. But even if I did, who's business is that?! Seriously, they MADE A SONG ABOUT IT. Salt 'n' Pepa and it's aptly titled "None of your business" hahaha I know perfectly well that I would much rather falling asleep in the arms of someone I care for (and am learning to love), than not doing just that. Who wouldn't want to fall asleep with someone you can trust to be there in the morning and every morning thereafter? When I love, it is with everything inside of me, and I try to do everything possible so they know, feel, and can tell that they are treasured and cherished. Not just with material things but with little things like text messages just to say I miss you or thought of you or little notes in his wallet or making him coffee...or taking him golfing and he can laugh at how horrible I am at it HAHAHA That is romance...that is love...and THAT is what I am waiting for...

So, romance...

                                          where art thou???

Till next time... xoxo 1/2