So, I started talking with this guy. We both agreed no pressure, no pushing, no pulling and to be friends first. We both agreed to respect each other and not see our ex's in each other. Ya know, see me for me kinda deal. Well, that went to hell in a hand basket with a cute fluffy bow. What started out really great was actually not as great as I thought and I only get it now. Now when my feelings slapped me upside the head and told me "No Jules. No." He was say things like "Oh, my ex-girlfriend made me become this" and when I asked if he was pursuing engineering because he liked it...well...his response was "It's a good field and she said there are a lot of jobs out there." This was the beginning of the most horrendous fail I have had recently. As we are talking and getting to know each other, I didn't even realize how much his comparisons of me and his ex-girlfriend were actually hurting me. The most painful one, and my last straw, "How come you can't make it? My ex'girlfriend would have made time for that. I don't get why you can't be just a little like her" and then I realized my eyes teared. I had TEARS coming out of my eyes. Who the hell does that over coffee and who the hell says what he said?!
I received the message. I finally got it. He didn't want me, he wanted his ex-girlfriend. I spent waaaay too many years fighting tooth and nail to get where I am now...and yeah...I lost GROUND but I could fix that. Which led to me telling him "Umm...you know, it's kind of funny, but not really funny at all, that this whole time you have been saying to not judge you or compare you to other men. To look past skin colour and see you. How you wanted me to care for you as a person, as an individual...then you basically rip into me for not being someone else. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to know you as a person. But instead, you have done nothing but blame me or compare me to her and I seem to consistently come up short. You're a hypocrite and I don't even want to be your friend anymore. I see you. It's a shame you couldn't return the favour." Then I had the worst case of nerves possible. I ended up just leaving. I was gone. I hurt but you know what...this all happened because I'm not someone else...and I'm perfectly fine with that simple fact. :)
So, here I am. Sharing with you this piece of me. This piece that is tender right now. This piece of me that drives me crazy because it is madness to care so much about someone and then to realize they never saw you. I have a soft heart. It is soft and scarred and still beating. Still, I must be just as insane and everyone else out there in the world because I know I will put myself out there again. It is a perfectly natural desire to want someone to see you for you. To know you for you. To accept the good and the not so good and the stuff you are ashamed of and the bad. Love is madness mon amie. Sometimes, in madness, we leave a piece of ourselves there and I am pretty sure that today, I left to pick up the pieces of my scattered life. Because let's face it, I have been juggling this new budding relationship, my usual routine, my friends, family, other obligations and I am feeling just a little crazy (not the fun kind either!). So, now I am going to go back to trying to reaffirm my own sense of self. It wasn't only my heart that took a beating but my sense of self. When you are compared to someone all the time...it wears you out and then it wears you down. :(
So, really, what I lost was ground. By saying ground I mean, I would never normally let someone make those comparisons - REPEATEDLY. He shoved and I moved. I lost ground. I have no idea what I was thinking or how come I didn't let him know how much it bugged me in the first place. Pain is a catalyst my friends. It causes you to really look at what is going on and why you hurt. Or what hurt you. It moves you to action. Well...it moved me anyways hahaha Pain reminds me to hold onto whatever happiness I can find. It's like the bad stuff, pain, enhances the good stuff, joy, and makes it touch deeper inside...and fills me to the brim with warmth...because I know it is a fleeting thing...
So, to live. You live when the past is done. That is something I believe. I do my best to live now instead of then. I guess I forgot to remind myself that just because everything is different - it doesnt mean anything has changed. I will get my footing again...but for now...I am just going to take my time. I am going to smile. I am going to laugh. I am going to leave work and be present (in the moment!) instead of always being late or taking rainchecks. I am going to be silly. I am going to sing off key as much as I want. I am going to just be.
Till next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment