So, I am not even going to pretend I am okay today. I am actually an emotional wreck. Today is Mother's day...It's one of the very few days I dread because I typically either handle it really well or I end up looking like I am in the middle of a mental breakdown. Well, this year I had definitely hit the emotional train wreck station. It's a beautiful day for me to celebrate my Mum (even if I celebrate her every day). I just don't typically handle it well because I am a Mother of a son who died.
So, today, for the first time, I will be around small children on Mother's day. I am so terrified of bursting into tears and worrying them. They are little and I don't think they can understand why Aunty feels sad today. What I know I can do, is hug them a little tighter. I can be strong for people that are important to me and they certainly are important. I mentioned my trepidation to a few of my friends and they all said the same thing - there's a reason.
I get that I avoid things that hurt or avoid anything when I know I am emotionally fragile...but (there is a BUT) I know I am resilient. Loss is a part of life. I get it. I understand. Understanding does not mean I accept it. I hurt. It's like I am bleeding yet inside.
For years after I struggled with depression. I contemplated suicide. I realized how close I was coming to the edge...and how quickly everything that made me Julia was fading away. I made a decision then and there on the bathroom floor (cried so hard I got sick :( ) that I would live my life for us. Full-tilt experience with a capital E for me and my son. But I needed help first. I saw a lovely, culturally sensitive psychiatrist who helped me work through a lot of problems I had at that time and worked with me on my grief.
The biggest hurdles are always the day I miscarried, the date I was due, and Mother's day. Every other day of the year I can pretend I am an ordinary person. Some days I think about my loss. Other days I live out the promises I made to live for the both of us (with gusto!). Mother's day is just like a big slap in the face though. It's a day dedicated to Mother's and for the longest time...I never considered myself a Mother. No one considered me a Mother. It just seemed so taboo to make someone uncomfortable by saying "I'm a Mother" and when they ask how old your children are and you say "I miscarried him 10 years ago"...people get uncomfortable. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just want you to acknowledge that there once was this amazing spirit I housed in my body that left me here. I want you to realize that I am a Mother too. I gave birth to an Angel instead.
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