Change is awful. It's usually for the best but the awful part is getting through the FIRST part where everything that can go wrong, goes wrong and it blows up in your face and you get sooo discouraged over it...and then overwhelmed because even if a small part of you is changing, just that small part - EVERYTHING CHANGES!
I don't hang out with people I used to. We still talk once in awhile but I don't go out of my way anymore and because I don't - it's a lil awkward now. I feel awkward because I don't put as much effort and it's worse because I don't feel bad about it anymore. We grew, but ended up growing a part. With some, our outlooks on life create too much friction. With others, our lifestyles don't mesh anymore. With the rests, it's like we don't fit in each others lives anymore. It happens. Because it happens does not make it a horrible or bad thing. I'm proud that we all grow and find happiness and joy in our own ways :D I still love and care for them but...right now, I'm changing.
Changing makes me feel a lil vulnerable because I'm still getting used to it. Hell, I don't eat the same things, so now I have "Company's Coming" cookbooks just taking up space. My Celiacs has me gluten-free FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. This limits what I can or can't do. Reiterating this to people who say they know me is weird because it's the same people who profess to NEVER forget anything hahahaha But such is life. I just have no idea what to do with all the box. Writing in the books feels like desecration. I love books. Books are vacations I take, with the most amazingly fascinating people, and I am always in enthralled by the world those people live in. Even though it's just a cookbook...I won't write in it. Still feels wrong hahaha So I'll just have to figure out how to augment the recipes to reflect how I have to live this aspect of my life.
Changing how I treat myself and those I share my life with has altered how I pick out jewelry hahaha It was a surprise! My outlook has changed even the earrings I wear now. I have earrings I would never have pictured me wearing and now I'm more conservative in what I wear. I'm sure summer will come and I will brighten up but...it's such a bizzare aspect to change...my taste in necklaces and earrings.
I started changing after a few of my friends wondered why I was just accepting so much bullshit when I never used to before. I would raise hell if someone treated me like that or said those things to me or whatever. They pointed out all the times this other person broke their word and the other times the other one stood me up. Or how I serial dated. It was a lifestyle I left behind because it WAS A BAD HABIT! I'm glad I'm blessed enough to have the same friends that are close to me as I was to them when I went through those changes. When I started becoming more assertive and sure in myself. I honestly had no idea how much of me eroded away.
It was just a small thing to change...once I remembered "Hey...I never used to have a wishbone. I always had a backbone. When the hell did I start accepting this passive and sedentary lifestyle?" I used to travel all over the place by myself. I would just buy a ticket, hop a bus or plane, and go. ALONE. I would explore the world around me and be fascinated with it. I would question things. I wasn't nervous about crowds or wearing a sleeveless shirt. Or worried enough to bring three different types of shoes (just in case). My self-esteem and sense of self-worth took a hit I wasn't totally aware of it happening. But, once I was made aware, I started to fix it. I won't be who I was before but at the core...I'm always Julia. I am still a giggler. I still obsess over chocolate. I still love tequila. I still sing off-key and I still love to love and be loved :D hahahaha Cute and cuddly is still my kryptonite :D
and...then I started doing :) and now...I'm onto my next stage in heading towards my own personal and professional goals. <3
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