So this Christmas I went to spend Christmas Eve with my family. Typically, I just spend it with my Mum, Daddy, and Bro. This time I went to spend it with my Aunty, her sons, their wives, their kids, my Aunt's Husband, and my cousin Melo-Berry. This is the first time, in a very long time, I sucked it up and went to spend any of my Christmas holidays with that side of my family.
Don't get the wrong idea. I love them to pieces. I just prefer to love them individually as I find being with them all at the same time to be a bit chaotic and slightly intimidating. The noise, the questions from nosy Aunts, Uncles who have no real idea what I have been up to or what really interests me...Cousins who are scared to ask questions..I just try to avoid the whole "I do want to talk to you but I can't ask the things I want because then you'll ask me questions and I'm not ready for everyone to discuss my life yet" hahahaha All family's are neurotic and slightly psychotic hahaha I love my family. Their interest in my life shows me that I am important enough for them to want to know what I'm up to or what I'm not up to - it depends on who's asking.
This Christmas season I have been really nostalgic for bygone Christmases. For days long put to rest. For caroling with my Mama. For days having tea or hot apple cider with family while playing 31. For small skirmishes on the rink over the puck. For peeling potatoes listening to my Aunts plan their attack on the Uncles to make them do the dishes this year. For building snow forts with my Mama and skating with my Mum. For sliding with my cousins and the magic of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I miss the little miracles that made Christmas so utterly magical. The sad part is...after my Mama died...Christmas lost all of its magic.
There has no been no real magical moment in a Christmas season till tonight...we should have really crashed tonight. We drive through ice, sleet, slush...we lost traction...all kinds of scary things happened but all I could think about was Mama. I didn't even realize I've been humming one of her favorite Christmas songs all day till my cousin pointed it out at supper. Mama has been on my mind a lot lately. Then in the middle of the drive, my Mum (who's not in the least bit religious) says "I'm not worried anymore. I know our guardian angel is with us Jule" and just like that...the road conditions slowly started to get better. Strange how things like that happen...I know the roads were probably going to get better but right now...I want to believe Mama was with us. That she has been with all of us this Christmas. Maybe not in the magical way we were used too but I don't know...this was the first time I seen my family make a snowman in years. Or my cousins pull their Mum in a sled hahaha It just felt...a lil magical <3 Maybe that's what was wrong with us...we concentrated so much on what was magical about things long past that we forgot we possessed our own magic :)
So...it reminds me of the time I told my Mama "Grandma...do you think that it's better to give hugs or gifts? Because I can give lots of hugs and to everyone I want. But I'm too little to buy lots of gifts for everyone I see at Christmas..." and I guess I've known since I was a kid. Christmas is the magical feeling you get in your heart that makes you want to hug everyone. As my Mama told me after I asked that question "The gift never really matters. What matters is that it comes from the heart"
So...from my heart...I wish you all a very Merry Christmas <3
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