This week was a crazy, intense, and utterly scary week. My heart rate went super low (38 bpm) and I was rushed to the Doctor's and then to the hospital. I was laying in a cold, sterile room and thinking about how everything is out of control. I had no control over my body. I had no control over the things going on in my family. I couldn't attend work because the Doctor put me on bed rest for a week. I had no idea the medication I was prescribed to stop gallstones from forming was slowing my heart rate down. It was trail and error to stabilize my heart rate (go 65 bpm!!!! woot! woot!). While sitting in that room (I refused to lay down anymore - but got told to at least recline hahahaha I'm stubborn) I realized that I was doing it again. I was letting myself be overwhelmed with everything going on around me that I had no control over. When I realized I was being overwhelmed and was crying out of frustration and fear...then I felt that mad insane peace take over mind...All because I said to myself "Dude...You got this. Ya things may be a bit shardy and hard to deal with right now but you will get through it. Just stop trying to fix everything. Don't drown dumbass!" Then I stopped worrying about everything I had no control over. I stopped trying to fix myself and let the professionals do their damn job. Then TA-DA! Here I am! :D New medication to fix my ticker (till the other medication is out of my system) and letting people handle their own business.
I am a fixer and a worrier though. I am at my happiest when those I love and care for are happy. This past week there has been arguments and anger and heartache and tears and tons of crappy gloom and doom. Part of me wanted to protect my family and friends from what I was going through because they each have their own lives and are dealing with their own problems. But...there IS a but...I promised to not do that anymore. So, I was honest and told them what is going on with me. It wasn't easy because I could see the worry in their eyes and I could hear it in their voice. I felt like I just added to their own worries. Still, I held true to my word and didn't keep my problems to myself. Yet, it also reminded me that we are all walking our own paths. Some of them are paved, some have gone off the trail, some are standing still, some are slowly walking it and others are just zooming by. We are pedestrians on the road of life. I just hope no one runs me over on it hahahahaha
So, I am currently travelling a road with not one sign. To me that means I am just letting things progress in whatever fashion they will. Whether it be for good or bad. Don't know how long I can keep that up but I am willing to surrender my need to control and fix and organize and just be. It's hard to make a path where there was none before. Especially when I have no real destination in mind. Then again, I've been down some pretty wild, unpaved, uncut, overgrown with weeds, drafty, unknown paths in my life already. I've trailblazed before and can do it again. I'm not going to let my fear stop me. I never have and I never will. I'm proud to say I'VE LIVED! Also, that I continue to do so. Since I've experienced a lot in my life and have to say I am kinda life smart (not super smart or I would have learned how to do my own damn taxes by now LOL). Yet, my friends and family come to me for advice on things they know I have been through or if I've been through something similar to what they are going through. I know when to shut up and when to speak. Plus, they know I am brutally honest at times. I do not know everything and since I know I don't know everything, they are aware that I just don't know how to help them at times...because I haven't travelled the road they are on. I never made the pit stop on having a significant other that has a twin that has the hots for you or am coming out to my parents or have been busted for creeping my significant others phone (I wouldn't recommend this - invasion of privacy much! Holy eff!) or a ton of other things. I can only offer advice on the things I lived through and experienced for myself. Even then it is completely from my own perspective and what worked for me might not work for them. So, really now, we are all walking our own paths that is missing quite a few signs!!! hahahaha
So, life is messy. Sometimes, I go off the road I am on and start making my own way. I'm just the same as you, who is reading this. I am still learning. Yeah, I'm gonna be 33 years old this year and I'm actually excited for it :D So what if I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life or how to 90 degree park (I HATE it! LOL)?! So what if I still cry watching disney movies and have my childhood teddy bear laying on my bed (damn thing is older than my Mum! LOL)?! So what if I am over 30, still single, and renting an apartment and don't own any property?! So what if the plans I made for myself when I was young and ambitious are not being fulfilled?! Well ya know what...that's okay. I'm allowed to make new plans, try out new things, and live my life in whatever way I see fit. I'm allowed to dream new dreams. I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. How the hell can I expect to feel excited about the plans a 13 year old me made? Yeah, I'm still going to write my book (just not the one I wanted to when I was 13). Yeah, some day I am going to build (or buy!) a cottage by a lake and have a big ass dog called Mr. Mugs. But I've stopped feeling disappointed for not reaching the deadline I gave myself to meet those goals. To live those dreams.
So, in essence, I'm just paving my own Julia road. Pave your own road. If you don't like the path you are on, make a new one. Go off the trail. Roam in the wilderness. Blaze a trail. The only thing you could do that could make all the difference in the world to you - is to live. Really, truly live. Walk a road with not one sign. It's an adventure ;)
Till next time,
xo 1/2
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