I started to focus on what matters. The first thing I did was attend my first meeting with a trained Social Worker in order to start getting things out there. The things that hurt me, frustrate me, puzzle me, confuse me and all the other raw emotions that have been eating at me. I needed to focus on me because I matter too. Yeah, I've been concentrating a lot on my Mum and our family. We are going through some pretty rough and sad things right now. I forgot the one thing that I should never forget - that I need to take care of me too. I've been stressing out over my bariatric diet and the crazy amount of protein I need to eat a day. I've been trying to manage the changes my body is going through, with the things going on in my professional life, and then my personal life...plus all the family stuff...and no wonder why my brain malfunctioned. No wonder why I was losing hair and losing sleep. I've been worrying about things I cannot change and I know that I know better. Guess I just needed that kick in the ass and to take that first step.
So, I've been focusing on me the last couple of days. I've been letting out the pent up emotions I have been feeling and not all of them are nice feelings either. I'm lonely for my Mama and wishing she was here. I am still pissed off at all the pointless nitpicking and infighting going on. I am losing sleep because I keep waiting to get a phone call and I'll have to deal with the next disaster. I'll need to provide that guidance. I keep falling into that same cycle and I can't fix all the problems. It sucks but I need to hammer that home over and over. Hell! My light bulb cover exploded this week and I was all calm about it and just said "I'll probably die in a fire because this place is sketchy"...and no wonder why my friends are worried for me. I've been kinda gloom and doom...and that's not me at all. I'm typically happy and laugh at the crazy, random and bizzare things that happen in and around me. Hell! Last week two truckers were brawling it out on the road in front of my apartment complex. Life is full of mysteries and unexpected...well...unexpected everythings hahahaha But there is one thing I need to start reinforcing with myself - This is MY life. I am always learning.
So, there is no guarantee for anything in this life. Time is always working against you. Time is not your friend. It is an unexplainable force that people have been trying to define for centuries. We all try to cram so much into our lives because on some level we know that time is not on our side. I learned a long time ago that life is truly a pain in the ass but one amazing joy after another. To explain...That the bad, the pain, makes the good, the joy, touch me deeper because it is fleeting. I am lucky though. I have always been good at finding my own happiness or creating it. I learned to hang on to whatever happiness I could find.
I learned a long time ago to accept that whatever happens, happens. I accept everything that was. I learn, laugh and love because of everything that currently is. Then I have hope and faith for everything that is yet to be. I just got sidetracked and forgot those simple, but important truths. I don't feel so out to sea without a compass anymore. I remember that for every sorrow, for every moment of pain there is a reason to smile and a moment for joy. I've been focusing so much on what was and things that are long dead now and things I have no control over...that I couldn't hear the voice inside of me going "HELLO!!!! ANYBODY OUT THERE!!?? I got some shit I need to say to you..." One of those things was letting go. I know I have been holding onto things that no longer serve a purpose. I need to let go of the fairytale. It is time to let go of the life that might have been. I need to remember that once I am done letting it all go, only then, can something even better come into my heart and make itself at home.
There was a time, after I lost my son, that I was too afraid to look back and face my own losses, my own lapses in judgement, and face myself. Yet, I remembered the pure joy I felt when I heard his heart beat. I remembered the good times. I remember that was when I realized how simple it is to live in a single moment of pure joy. I learned that without remembering those moments that brought me so much joy, that filled me to the brim with warmth and love and laughter, that there was nothing but space and the beating of my own heart, my own thoughts and words echoing out into the vast nothingness of time. I needed a reality check again...
So, I have been facing my own self this past little while. I am far from being okay but I am getting there. Feeling more solid. I know that sometimes the heart holds on to the things it loves long after whatever it loved is gone...but the most important things in life aren't things. They are people, moments, and miracles and wonder and awe and just wow. Somehow, I convinced myself that this was it for me. I forgot one of the most basic and simplest of truths...the world is full of possibilities and I can exercise the simple power of choice. I just need to remember to focus on my own truths and what is important. It is crazy how easy it is to cycle back into an old habit but...I'm not going to let that happen. I worked too hard and fought too long to get to where I am. Just watch me ;)
Till next time,
xo 1/2
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