So, I ended up needing immunosuppression again...I got sick again. Which sucks. I'm not sure if I can hack it. I'm sick of fighting the inevitable. I seem to hit pre cancer cells so damn much that I'm losing my fighting spirit. I'm tired...so very...very tired of fighting. All I'm left wondering is why I bother fighting anymore.
So, the past little while I've been on and off this bullshit. The only reasons I keep fighting is because I'm loved. If it wasn't for loving those that love me and me loving them...I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't care...because without someone to love and to love me...I'd have nothing. The biggest downside is trying to keep moving forward. Im done my last round and in a couple of weeks I'll be a pin cushion again. Till then, I'm contemplating if I can keep doing this...
I'm just as human as everyone else. I have wants that become needs that are my life. My doctors are erring on the side of caution because I've been going through this for years...on and off. One minute it's cervical cancer and the next it's just lesions...and then it's another round of pills at crazy hours and fuck I miss sleep. I miss not having an alarm clock go off on me in the middle of my morning and afternoon and evening and night. All I wanted to be was normal but this is my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Why you may ask...well...because I have no regrets.
So, I've lived. I have a life worth retelling over and over. I have a life that would make you cry, make you laugh and make you rage against the gods! But, holy hell, have I lived ❤ I have loved so fiercely and at times. ..a lil too shy. But I have always given myself, all of me (even the ugly parts ), to those that call my heart home. In the end, I'm a fighter. There is the crux if it all. I fight to live and love and laugh just a lil bit longer...
So, I'm just as greedy, stubborn and selfish as everyone else. I wanna be here to walk down the aisle with my best friend...I want to see my god children find love...I want to dance naked in the rain again...I want to hug everyone I love like it's the last time every single time. After losing so many of those I love to cancer...I don't want that to be the only thing they remember of me. I want them to recall every time I fell up the stairs...I want them to remember every time I made them laugh when they were crying. ..I want them to remember finding safety in my arms...I want them to remember the smile that was theres...I want them to remember how I never shied away from my feelings and how I looked at life and ate it all up...even the messy parts lol I have always wanted to live.
In the end, here I am, me. Just me. I'm not afraid. As alone as I seem...I know I'm never alone. There is always someone, something, some experience that is calling me, with me, and driving me slightly crazy hahaha but that's life.
Till next time
xoxo 1/2
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