I'm not with stupid anymore...so get over it because I am

So, this week it has come to my attention (AGAIN!) that everyone seems to think I care about who is with one of my ex-boyfriends. Honestly, I don't care. What I do care about is why people keep mentioning it. It's weird. It bothers me. This is a relationship that ended a few years back now and it still makes headlines around this little sleepy town. I never knew my relationships were such a hot button issue...but then again, that is the relationship where one of my closest friends (could even have called her my best friend) slept with my boyfriend (he's my ex-boyfriend). I already realized there was no room for me in his heart and I was surprisingly alright with that.  This is when it was really driven home that there is no such thing as a painless lesson. Those just don't exist...only because pain is a catalyst.

I cared once. Once upon a time I cared. What happened hurt me a lot and I was depressed for days. Yet, I am a resilient and strong woman who fought to get where I am and was not about to let this stop me from moving on with my life. I tried to remain friends with the person who betrayed me because to me, their friendship was more important. I miss that friendship at times but then I remember how often I would be told harsh things like "you're jealous of me because I have kids and you can't" or some other things that just brought me down. Despite those, they were there for me during a time I needed them. When I felt alone and lost. I miss that. I do honestly miss the person I knew I could call up to talk to about everything. Even if they acted like they knew everything or had "lived" everything hahahaha I missed that. What I learned at the end of our friendship though, was that the person I was going to miss was just a figment of my imagination. It was almost like they couldn't handle the fact that I could never hate them...because I really did love them. Past tense though. That ship has sailed.

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So, life goes one. Since all that drama ended, I feel like I remained classy about it. I always let them both call me a liar, a slut, a whore, a cunt, a bitch, a fake, a phony, and whatever else they wanted to call me. I actually let a lot of people call me whatever. Not that I don't want to stand up for myself but it makes them look bad - shows their character - not mine. Still, it started to not hurt me anymore. I had stopped crying by then. When I realized it didn't hurt anymore I grieved them both because I finally acknowledged that they were dead to me. They are a part of my past. A part of a harsh lesson I needed to learn. I regret nothing and I wish them both well. I, honestly, hope that they both find someone, someday, that will make them happy. It is not in my nature to hate. I would never try to replace them though. Saying goodbye to them in my heart, hurt a lot but I know farewells are always difficult.

So, I am very proud of my heart. After it went through that harsh lesson, one I probably desperately needed to learn, I was okay. I learned that I could still be okay. It wasn't the end of the world. It took a few months but I was solid again. I even started dating again. I was swept off my feet and dropped like a hot potatoe LOL But I knew then, that my heart was still capable of love. Which is what I feared the most...that I would be too scared to let anybody get close to me anymore. I, also, learned that my forgiveness is not a never ending well-spring. I think they needed to learn that too. It made me a better girlfriend and a better friend. I think it just changed me and how I viewed things. What I could and could not accept. Either way, I am who I am.

Regardless, I made myself a promise a long time ago though. Right after my ex-fiance broke my heart and wanted me to come back. Wanted me to try again...I promised myself I'd never go back. I promised to always remind myself that what is broken, sometimes has to stay broken and that I would rather remember it as it once was than try to pick up those pieces and glue it back together again. When you try to pick up the pieces, there are always some missing. I didn't want to see the holes there. I wanted to remember everything as it was. The good times and the bad. It is what our relationship was and those memories are important. They helped to shape who I am. I have no regrets in any of my relationships. Yeah, I have a shit load of failed ones LOL TONS! But I don't regret anything. Well, except for that one time I tried herring eggs and puked right away...I regret that. That was gross and embarrassing. 

So, I'm not with stupid anymore hahahahaha Not with ANY of the stupids I dated hahahaha Admittedly, they weren't all stupid. Some were emotionally constipated, others made me wonder if they were sociopaths, some were just waaaay too close to their dogs (the word bestality comes to mind when I think of Lane and his dog he does EVERYTHING with), some were constantly scared of being emasculated (I like going dutch or taking turns paying for supper or whatever), and some couldn't turn you on if you drew them a map on your body that was numbered LOL Then there was some where it was just all bad timing and others were we had no chemistry. One of my friends is actually married to one of the guys I dated and I couldnt be happier for them. Sometimes, you just aren't a good fit ya know...So, be glad YOU ARE NOT WITH STUPID ANYMORE. You deserve better too. We all deserve someone who is going to want to make us as happy and we want to make them. It really is that simple. 

Right now though...

I am just going to continue being me and doing my own thing. I am not rushing into any relationships. I am not out there stirring up trouble. This is my life. This is my one chance to do whatever the hell I want and I am going to do just that. I am doing just that. If I only know one truth, one solid never-going-to-change-as-long-as-I-live truth, it's that you live when the past is done. I'm doing just that - I live.

Till next time

     xo 1/2