When your heart wants something but you didn't get the memo till it was too late

So, last night I spent the night on the phone with the embodiment of my lusty temptation (let's call him Jay). It was his birthday. We were on the phone for at least 2 hours before we hung up. It wasn't till I was brushing my teeth to get ready for bed when I thought "It was so nice...I really missed him...that clawing feeling isn't there in the pit of my stomach anymore..." which was quickly followed by a "AH FUCKING SHIT!"

I've known Jay since my engagement ended back in 2005. He's been an amazing friend. Supportive, a good listener, knows when to give advice, encourages me, knows when I need to get my shit together, and he's just a great compassionate and passionate person. The problem is...he doesn't want a relationship.

For years I have denied any feelings other than friendship for him. We make really great friends. Last year, we crossed that line. Well...we didn't cross it more like we demolished that line and all it took was one single kiss and our clothes were decorating my room :/ I've kept my distance since then. I know my heart. I felt something shift and change between us. Despite the earth shattering, oh-my-God-we-need-to-never-stop-doing-this-ever sex, I must have recognized my own feelings. He seemed okay with it and treated me like a friend. Till one night where I got this text that read "I thought I would have heard from you by now. I finished work, got home, wanted to hear you or even see you and nothing." So, I had no answer to that other than to say I've been busy.

So, the reality was...I missed him. I really missed Jay. I missed talking and flirting and teasing him. I missed the talks about comi-con and movies and comic books and tattoos. I missed hearing his voice. I missed seeing his eyes twinkle when he laughs. I missed him more than I realized. I felt so lonely. But I was honest with him and told him I want more. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship and apologized. So I asked for space. He gave me space. But I don't think the space is enough anymore. I can feel the difference he makes. I just want my friend back. I don't want the sexual tension that's only ever going to lead to sex now between us. I NEED more than that.

So, I am going to let go. I am going to keep moving forward. I have no idea how long this has been inside of my heart. I have no idea if I have been unfair to anyone else in my life, or that I have been in a relationship with, because there's a piece of me that he's claimed. I don't want it back lol But I'm a little disappointed in myself. I never really noticed how I felt about him at all. How deep those feelings actually go or have gone. All the times we hung out or talked or whatever...it was just so natural...so normal...it felt like being with a friend. A really close friend. It felt like I was home...

Yet, I am smart enough to know my own heart. Now that I am aware of what I feel, I won't be able to stand by and just continue as we are. It is not fair to me and it's not fair to him either. I can't force anything...except putting the distance I need to heal the hurt I felt at his gentle (but HONEST!) rejection. I'm just blown away by how I didn't even know I loved him like that...and that's the saddest part. I honestly didn't know. :(

Till next time...

                 xoxo1/2