I started talking with my ex. We agreed to be friends but we flirt. I know my feelings are there but they are simmering down the longer I keep my distance. We will be friends sometime this year. I will be able to think about him and not remember how his lips felt against mine or how the words "Good morning beautiful" made my heart melt into gooey-mushy-cinnamon hearts hahahahaha I'm positive I am over him. I need to move forward. It is not fair to me if I keep focusing on what could have been...I don't want to lose my future. I want to move freely towards it...which means I need to let go of my past first.
So, a new guy has entered the picture. The problem I am having is that I am talking with this new guy and well...I have doubts already.
I love sex. I love the kissing, the licking, the biting, the nibbling, the...well...you get the idea ;) What I don't like it how I have to keep pulling information from him and now it feels like it's a lie. I have doubts. For example, tonight he accidentally pocket dialed me and he was supposed to be spending the time with his daughter. The music and sounds of a car door being opened tell me he isn't exactly at home with his child. Nope. To make it worse, I smiled and thought it was such a nice surprise to get a call from him...I honestly don't wanna know and don't wanna care anymore. Every text was sexually charged, every convo on the phone wasn't though. It's just...does he want the heart, the soul of the woman, or does he just want the body? It is a question I need to ask myself now.
So, to be completely honest, I have been having doubts for the last two weeks. The lack of communication is, and will always be, a trigger for me. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! I'm not big on always being the one to lead the conversation. To make any kind of relationship work, even a friendship, both parties have to put in the effort. There are some days where it feels absolutely pointless to respond to something like this "Hey Sexy Baby" or "Hey Baby" or "Ok". What the hell is that?! I want something more than just a "What's up" and then 5 hours of dead silence. What his silence communicates to me is that he thinks it is okay to shut me out. That I'm not important enough to garner at least a "Hey Baby, sorry but I don't really feel like talking much today" (which would make this whole situation that much easier). I've explained this to him repeatedly but I'm actually pretty close to being done here. I am not going to let ANYONE make me feel like asking for an explanation for the silent treatment is a bad thing. Not that I am glossing over the whole pocket dialing incident either...but I don't really know him...and it's because he keeps important things from me.
I've never doubted him like I am right now. He always said he wanted only me but now...now I'm just not so sure. There is quite a bit of distance between us (not just landmass) and I can feel myself pulling away already. It makes me feel a little sad to know he has no idea I am pulling away. He hasn't noticed a thing. It's going to be too little, too late for him soon. I'm running out of energy trying to bridge these gaps when it is something we should both be working on. Instead, it just feels like it is always me. I'm the one trying to make this work. This is more frustrating that trying to rebuild a small engine when your partner wanted to do this, you just got suckered into joining the ride, started to like it and now...wish it would already be done and over it.
So, the real problem is that I am not feeling like he is committed to this at all. To making this work. It's new and hard to manage time and I want to give him a chance...I really honestly do...I just don't think I care anymore. The fact that I am writing this at 12:54 am tells me I care but inside...I'm whimpering because his silence has caused me to doubt. His excuses cause me to question him. I don't believe him. I'm losing my faith in him. It's falling through my fingers and I'm just mentally watching this happen...giving up. Can you even give up on someone if they haven't put forth any effort? Maybe we are just better off friends....simply because I am not into head games. This silent bullshit only caused more problems and solved none of those same problems. Some day, someone is going to play him at his own game...it's just not going to be me.
So, in the end, I've navigated my way through another bullshit boy pretending to be a real man. It's all the same really. Someone wants to come into your life and be with you without making any effort. You put 100% into making this work and realize "Motherfucker...I'm in this relationship by myself! What the heck?!" and VOILA! Instant epiphany results in singledom. Which is fine with me. I don't mind it at all. I'm used to it.
I'm just a little concerned that I am starting to believe all men are like this. That they don't know how to communicate. Have a conversation. Open up their world a little bit to you. Be loyal to you. I would love to find someone who can hold me as I would hold them. I want a big part of my happiness to be found in their arms. I want something so simple and natural and easy. To be able to talk with my partner as lightly and casually as I do with my friends but with the added bonus of being able to sink into the temptation of stealing a kiss or two without fear of reprisal or rejection. That is how I want to love a man and for a man to love me. Yeah, I can be an asshole at times and yeah, it's okay if he can be a bastard at times too. But...if he can put up with my eccentricities then I can only do the same. This is all I want.
So, maybe not today or tomorrow or the day after that, or even next month, but someday, I am going to find someone who's fingers intertwine with mine perfectly. Then I will finally feel the 'truth' settle between us... (okay! So maybe that's a bit too romantic but I that's just the way I am LOL)
Till next time...
Much luv xo 1/2
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