GTFO Papers Handed Out...Hello Instincts!

So, I made quite a few impulsive decisions this past week. I guess you can say that I reached my limit and then I blew it all out of the water. I had it enough. I was tired of listening to the people who do nothing for me but hurt me, question me so much that I feel negatively towards the choices I have made, and are just miserable! So, I got rid of them. This week, I'll be weeding the headaches and the heartaches again. Because they are still here...but once they are found and then pulled out of my garden of life...I'm just gonna...

Still, I make pretty bad choices at times. I can admit this. It is healthy and perfectly sane to admit to my own mistakes or errors in judgement. Ya know, those times where it always seemed so great and everything was amazing, damn sun was shining out of your butt and the rainbow was coming out of your pants. Or something close to that hahahaha. My problem is that I am softer than I know (than I am comfortable admitting to anyways). I am completely a wimp when it comes to cutting the ties and letting someone know they fucked up royally and need to GTFO in the extreme. I avoid parting on bad terms. I am now realizing that I need to stop being so damn nice about people who have burned me. So, this month I got rid of every ex that has tried to come crawling back, like the slug they are....trailing slime everywhere...and lying to me repeatedly. I just had enough. I am done bleeding for them. I am done trying to be a friend. This is where I am just going to fuck it and move on! 

I have been acting on my instincts. I kind of handed them the reins and it's been interesting. I just give into the impulse to say what I want (radical honesty!), I gave up on tact and just rolled with it. So, I called some guy a dumb fucker but he did almost crash into the van I was in. So, I told my Surgeon I thought he looked pretty snazzy and good in his nice suit. That still makes me blush but I did it. So, I bought lunch for a homeless person just because I felt like it. I am just glad I didn't have any rage based impulses but it does take a lot to inspire that kind of violence in me.

So, after careful thought and consideration, I've decided to use my brain though. I like my brain. It let's me plan for things and be organized. I LOVE being organized. I don't care how OCD my habits are....they calm me. I feel better emotionally when things are clean, stuff is organized and is where they are supposed to be. Not to say I can't accept chaos....I just accept it temporarily hahahaha But I used to my brain to plan my attack and to leave those "losers in aluminium foil" in the past. I know I did the right thing. My heart is just taking awhile to not cringe at being so uncompromising. My forgiveness is NOT an never ending well spring here. I need to love me too and forgive me. So, the higher parts of my brain were consulted and we decided to start rebuilding our lives and instituting Marshall law...LMAO just joking about the Marshall Law hahahaha That's too extreme hahahahaha 

So, I have noticed that a lot of the people I have handed their "GTFO" papers too all have this one thing in common...which is that they follow the whole "eye for an eye" and "pound of flesh" thing. While I think that's biblical and yay for them...it's just not for me. I have different views on life. Things I wanna do and experience. Ways to live my life in a good way. I am just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired of LISTENING to damsels who are entirely in love with their own drama.

I just really reached a point in my life where I realized I was repeating a cycle that made me sick. Physically and emotionally sick. Spiritually weak. Mentally drained. I do NOT want that for myself. I've been there. I've dealt with the consequences of being mired in tons of negativity and walking on egg shells because I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. That's not normal. It's not good. It's not how you should feel if you care for someone and you were positive they care for you unconditionally. So, I found my compulsion which is an obsession but both are impulses. I can control those. I got this ;)

So, I am still a bit sad. I bawled my eyes out. I cried till I puked. Then cried so more. Almost urinado'ed from crying and puking so damn hard. But it's done. I am done grieving the friendships and relationships I treasured. I am left with the experiences and the memories that made me smile...and made my heart weary. It wasn't all bad. Still, there comes a time where even I, need to grow up. Where even I need to start doing what is best for me and stop letting my soft side dictate what I do or who I do it with. It still hasn't fixed the hole inside of me where they used to live but I have also felt happier...and for some reason...that makes me feel a bit guilty. They tell me how sorry they are but I just can't find it in me to believe them anymore. If I can't trust you or believe you, why are you here? Why would I let you into my life? I am much happier without you in my life...is the hardest thing I have ever thought after being hung up on...LOL after getting over the whole "AS IF! Bastard hung up on me?! Well...that's poor phone etiquette..." hahahaha My priorities were skewed a lil hahahaha

Lesson learned - I need a good kick in the butt from life sometimes hahahaha It did me some good and helped me realized that I'm not as dependent as I was being lead to believe. I am myself. More myself today than I was yesterday. All my experiences make me who I am. I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the week I spent giving into my impulses hahaha Although I have no idea how I will ever look my Surgeon in the face ever again hahahahaha Shiiitt...LMAO

So, I was reminded of my animality. My instincts. The part of me that is raw, feral and geared to protect those I love and care for...which means me too! While it came as a surprise, A HUGE ONE, to the people I told to GTFO of my life...it strikes me as strange. Just because I am a nice person and generally very happy, it does not mean I am not a wild, fierce, untamed woman underneath all that. Rest assured, you ain't seen nothin' yet ;) But to add brains to all that fierceness...and the self awareness of my own capabilities...I am as dangerous as every single one of you are. Now, it's that a heady pleasure...

Till next time,

        xo 1/2