Worst luck with men named Robert LOL - My not so happy love story :/

So, I know what it is like to be in love. I really do. My story is full of all kinds of cliches and things I could tell you. That really wasn't meant to rhyme by the way. It's not a pretty love story. It's actually kind of tragic. It makes me want to go back in time and sit myself down and tell her "No Julia. This is an abusive relationship. You need to get your shit and get out now." But hindsight is 20/20.

Ahem...moving along...

I have the worst luck with men named Robert. I had this gym teacher growing up, I had a crush on him, and I broke my leg on the damn balance beam. Then there's the fact my biological Father, Robert, is definitely not a runner up for Father of the Year and has actually repeatedly denied being my DNA contributor. Then there's Robert my Ex-fiance who was emotionally constipated. Then Robert the guy I dated for 2 weeks before I found out he was heavily involved with his gaming console (I was the OTHER woman) LOL. Then there was Robert the RCMP cop. Oh, but I am a sucker for a man that comes with his own cuffs...hahahaha ;)  But he was more interested in his reflection than the fact I was gone for 20 minutes before he realized I left the restaurant 0_0. Then there was Rob the Dog Guy who does everything with his best friend - I MEAN EVERYTHING! Which is when I high tailed it out of there. The list goes on...oh...and there is friend Robert who puked on my new pumps. So yeah...it's a sign 0_0 hahaha shit!

Cough...anyways...moving on...

I was deeply in love with a man named Robert when I was much younger (less of a backbone and yes, a Robert). As much as I want to hate him, a part of me will always love him because he was a huge part of my life. He taught me many things. In the end, he taught me about real intimacy but he also taught me about betrayal. I do not regret a single moment spent with him. He loved me with everything he had and in a way only he knew how. But we were young and I really did expect him to love me and only me. Regardless, I never once cheated and to this day he says he never did. Although that could be the numerous times I have threatened to take a sledgehammer to his balls if he isn't being honest with me (which I know he is lying but who cares anymore?!). The threat is just a force of habit now hahahaha I did grow a backbone...but there were times where I was scared of him - really scared....but let's not go there.

Either way...it wasn't always bad. He could be charming, funny, silly, and sweet. The most beautiful memory isn’t of our love making or when he sent me flowers or anything like that really. I was resting on the futon with my eyes closed and I guess he thought I was sleeping. He brushed a strand of hair out of my face and said “Beautiful…I had no idea I was this lucky…to love you…” We had our moments like every couple but some things I just couldn't forgive so easily. Like how his Grandma and his Aunt didn't approve of me or us living together - this led to me moving out. I no longer felt welcome in our place together. Being called a 'evil, vile, temptress' and being told 'you're just going to tarnish his reputation' and all he said was "Just ignore them" - No. That's just too much disrespect to ignore. I don't think I ever did move past how he did not stick up for me over this or exert his control over our living space. Then when I started to go out and make friends it got worse. He got worse. He would accuse me of the most ridiculous things. He would say that my friends were trying to take me away from him which wasn't true. It was him. It was him that was pushing me away. I wanted to be close to him but we never went to bed at the same time. I lived somewhere else - because he let his family bully him into separating us. I had to be available when he wanted me and that is not how it works.

Yet, when we were together, just us, he would be charming, funny, make really lame jokes and he would make my heart smile in a way only he could. He would harass me until I stopped being mad with him. *laughs* Which means he would follow me into the room with the single bed where I was planning to sleep and make me push over so we could sleep together. He was deceptively strong. He would literally push me over until I caved in and we went to sleep in the big bed. Except for those times where I was so mad I just left and didn't come back for hours on end. When I came back he would be sleeping in the big bed and I would go sleep in the single bed until he woke up. Then he would crawl into the single bed with me and sleep there until I woke up. Sometimes when he was mad at me he would leave for hours on end and I would sleep in the big bed and he would go to single bed. Then I would go wake him up and drag him to the big bed since I was more of an early morning person then. We would discuss what led up to our fight like normal people now that the tensions aren’t so high. I loved him completely. I loved him in a way I never knew I was capable of loving a man. I loved him without conditions. I loved him truthfully and honestly. I loved him enough to want to share my life with him. Yet, now I'm very grateful we never took that step together.

He was away in the Yukon when I got a call from a girl named Diini. She asked if he was there and I said no but would you like to leave him a message. She said just tell him his girlfriend called and that I love him too and miss him already. I said well isn’t that funny since I am his common-law wife. This led to me hanging up the phone repeatedly (with force) and crying. I called my roommate to come pick me up at my partner’s place. He came and got me and helped me move all my stuff back to our apartment. I cried while my roommate held me. Then I woke up and cried some more. My roommate taught it was the saddest thing he ever seen. I think I could almost forgive him cheating on me but not emotional infidelity. To me it was as if our entire relationship from start to finish was a lie. Every time he said he loved me became tainted. Every time he held me close because he missed me was a lie. It tainted every happy memory I had of him. I felt like a fool.

It got nasty after I ended it. That's right! No backbone Julia ended her own drama cycle! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Huzzah! Whoop Whoop! hahahaha :P 

Seriously though, it was hard. I wanted to go back so many times. Then there was the endless dating and one-night stands I went on. Not really endless but anything more than 5 dates always feels like too much. hahaha I ended up rebounding on my roommates brother and we spent a lovely 6 months together. It was love and sex. Hedonism. He taught me all kinds of things hahaha In reality, despite our active sex life, it was mainly emotional. He taught me what I was willing to risk for those I cared about. Strange too...considering I have always been 75% sure that man doesn't know how to love himself or trust and believe in himself. I missed him like crazy when I moved back. But we ended it because he wanted to be with his ex and I just wanted him to be happy - even if I wasn't the one he was happy with ya know. Cheesy, cliche and corny - but that's me.

Oh! Here's proof that I am a regular human being....

Ahem...

The night before I moved back to Quebec, I got together with my ex (Rob) and we ended up getting it on. We did it. What that stupid shirt he was wearing said...we did that! LOL I really was just horny. There. I said it. I wanted what he could provide for me since I knew I was coming back to the rez. I mean...Come on! This is the man I shared 8 years of my life with. The man that was my best friend and then my lover. The man I wanted to marry. We both weren't attached to anyone so...one thing led to another...and I left him in the morning. Without any sadness. It felt like closure. It felt like just sex.

Years later, having heard of his intent to marry, I wished him luck. I really do hope he finds someone to be happy with. Someone he can be content with. Someone who irritates him in they way he irritates them - but they stay together because they want each other just the way they are hahahaha That kinda happiness :D 

Unfortunately, they did not make it to the altar. They are not together anymore at all. It is a shame but it is probably for the best. Either way, I still wish him the same happiness. I am going to keep running wild until someone either tackles me to the ground and pins me hahahaha Or until I bump into someone, out there, running around just as wildly as I am ;) <3 

  Till then...

Just be yourself

So, once upon a time I had this friend that liked to make plans and never followed through with them. They always said they were going to do this and this and this and a dash of that and voila! Instant life fulfillment was to be a reality. Well, their reality. Anyways, the point being is that we are no longer friends now. I realized that I did not want to be a part of their life because the cycle is always the same with them. It was literally like this...First they were involved in a situation that they knew would cause drama...and this would be the result...

1. Get fed up with drama.
2. Get upset.
3. Get mad/rage monster angry.
4. Vow revenge.
5. Decide best revenge is to be better than them and take the high road.
6. Start planning on re-vamping their life.
7. Do retail therapy.
8. Decide on how to live better.
9. Come up with all these plans to get the life they were convinced would make them happy.
10. Decide that it would have to wait because new drama is taking precedent over making actual changes to their life.

and rinse and repeat by falling back into habits that brought the whole situation about in the first place.

I had no idea how much life that sucked out of me. Seriously. Who knew listening to this kind of talk could be so...draining. I noticed I was feeding into it myself and that I was picking up with habit. Which is why I pointed it out to my former friend and thus...the reason why we are former friends. I am unapologetically in a good, solid relationship with myself. I love myself. I love who I am. I may, from time to time, decide to overhaul certain aspects of my life to suit me better, but I do follow through. I am committed.

I made a promise to myself years ago. I promised to always be true to myself. To always be honest with myself. I need to be able to trust myself, not hide from myself. I need to know I can depend on me and that I can see things through. I am committed to being who I am and not apologizing for it. I'm sorry if I hurt their feelings but they did ask for my opinion and they got it. I am not apologizing for what I said or how I said it either. It was delivered in a sensitive manner but if they can't face their own truth, even when it's pointed out to them and need to blame their own flaws on someone else, then no. Just no. 

I am happy being myself. There are aspects of me that I would love to change and this is why I am always a work in progress. I keep learning new things about myself. I accept the parts of me that are not so pretty. The dark, raw edges of who I am - the parts that I don't like but I am light so I must always carry shadows. The good with the bad and vice versa. My former friend said something to me that made me realize that I am lucky I know myself - because I might have believed what she said about me.

So, there are times where someone says something about me and it actually affects me. I could careless about people who think they know me. People who think they know me are absolutely ridiculous. They know this and that about me. Then they take what they think they know about me, what they know is fact, and sew that shit together - but only in a way that makes sense to them...because that's what they would have done in my situation. It's so subjective because it's typically done by people who are judging you. Well, my former friend called me a judgmental bitch, cheap, a whore, a liar, a thief, and that I don't even know myself - that I am a phony. Who even uses the word 'phony' anymore? *LOL* The truth is simple - I know myself and I know what they said isn't true. It's not true because I know who I am, what motivates me, I know my values and I know my own heart. If I was not confident in my own sense of self, I would have let their reality of who they think I am, become my reality. I would have let them define me. That's wrong. I am perfectly fine just being myself. 

Still, there are times I do get hurt when someone says such vulgar and hurtful things about me. Even if they aren't true, it still hurts because I care for the people I let get close to me. I love them. I may not say it - but I do. It DOES hurt when someone I love can think so poorly of me or treat me in such a manner...but that's only because I keep expecting them to treat me how I treat them. I really need to stop having expectations of people. Well, maybe not unreasonable ones I guess hahahaha I accept them for who they are and have learned to accept that some of them will ALWAYS be late, others will ALWAYS wear their shoes in my house or leave shove their wrappers into my couch, and some will ALWAYS need to be in a relationship to feel whole. I love them. I don't need perfect people - just ones that can love me for ALWAYS going on and on about how my teeth aren't white enough or why I need to change my job but I don't want too because I love the work...LOL They can love me and accept me in-spite of my flaws as well. They love me even if it's the hundredth millionth time they have heard me waffle between school and work. Because they trust me with their heart as much as I trust them with mine - we are all so beautifully imperfect <3

So, instead of pointing out the flaws in my former friends logic I said "Whoa! Okay...now that we have settled how you really feel about me. I can honestly say that this was uncalled for because I was trying to point out to you that I don't want to hear about the stupid situations you keep putting yourself in, hoping to get different results. I supported you through a lot of choices you made that I didn't agree with but you said it made you happy. For awhile, it did. You were happy. What I am not going to support is you consistently self-destructing. You are a strong woman. You are resilient. I just have no idea why you keep doing this to yourself and ruining your own chances for happiness because you base it on what he can do for you. Yeah, he's there more than I am because he lives there but ya know what...that's okay. If this is what you want, okay. Just consider me gone. I refuse to watch someone I love destroy themselves. I made a choice to stop being a spectator to the self-destructive habits of my loved ones. I spoke up and this was the result? No. Once was happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy fire. I love you and wish you the best. I hope you find whatever it is you need to be happy." and I hung up. That was it. There is nothing left.

So, here I am. I know I am an amazing person. I know I am still learning. I make a ton of mistakes but I learn from them. It hurt to make the choice I made but I have to do what is best for me too. I am trying to change my worst habit which is making decisions out of guilt and duty. I have always made my decisions based upon guilt and duty. Guilt because I can't be honest with people about what they think they know about the people in our lives...and duty because I want to protect them from that knowledge as well. I didn't want to know. Some secrets should really just stay with the dead. I want to make more decisions that make me happy and that are strictly for my own well-being. I have been working on this for a long time now and I still feel guilty for enjoying myself when I know someone in my family needs groceries and my money could help them out a lot. I take on all these unnecessary responsibilities and I am changing that about me - not because it's terrible but because it is unhealthy. I need to put myself first without feeling guilty over it. Still, the decision I made to cut my former friend out of my life...it hurts. Change is painful sometimes people. But the pain helps to remind you that you had something you felt was worth it and it helps you learn the lesson. Which reinforces my whole "I need to surround myself with positive people who love themselves and who are capable of loving others with all their heart" 

Here I am...I am as much a wonder of the world as you are. There will never be another me and there will never be another you. No one will ever feel as you do nor love as you do nor react as you do. You are the rarest of the rare. A priceless jewel. Your love is a priceless commodity that you willingly give out - FOR FREE!!! Who doesn't want free love? LOL :P But seriously now, you are a MIRACLE. Please just be yourself and you'll be fine. :)

Till next time.

Learning to breathe...

So, this week I became self-aware of my breathing. It's been terribly awkward. I can hear myself breathing. It's awful becoming self-aware. It's like realizing how often you blink and then being HYPER aware of your blinking...and it's distracting. Yet, I acknowledged my hyper awareness...but this was my blinking - not my breathing.

MOUTH BREATHING HAPPENED!!!!

So, I realized something very quickly. I tend to reach mouth breather status when I am literally about ready to lose my shit. Blow my top. Make celebrity diva freak outs look like a minor temper tantrum. Possible hair pulling-I'm-have-planned-your-destruction emotional levels have been reached and breached bitches and shit is about to get real if I don't take these deep breaths in my nose...and out my mouth. It is because THIS...has been my reality a lot...

Which brought on this sudden realization yesterday which made me feel completely defeated...

and yesterday I had a good little cry about feeling defeated by my own habits. The hardest habits to break are old habits. Bad or good...habits are habits. Humans are creatures of habits. Whether we realize it or not. My habit is to get caught up in my work and everything else falls to the wayside - it basically has to suffer because I feel compelled to get something done now because I am excited about it. Patience is a virtue but I have repeatedly said, at different points in time, 'not right now it isn't...I really need to get to this done and then I could relax...'. It's like I have no idea how to NOT work. I think about work when I'm not at work. I have to make a complete conscious effort to not think about work. When asked about what I do with my time, the first thing to pop into my head is work. It just dominates my life. Which can be a good thing...till this happens...

I promised myself I would never burn out every again. I seem to have this mentality and I have worked my ass off to change this one thing about me. Just this...

But I can't. I can't fix all the problems. I have no control over the fact that I am in the middle of two women who are more concerned about being right than helping me sort out what is wrong. I can't fix how awful this man is about the people he should be representing. I can't fix or explain away how bitter someone else is about someone else. Not all my problems are work related either. But it just so happened I became aware of my breathing at work and my problem about work at work. Honestly, I keep a sign that says "BREATHE" right at eye level by my computer so I have the constant reminder to do just that -"BREATHE".  

So, I had to accept that I can't control my knee-jerk reactions to work and home and friends and wanna-be friends and DRAMA! I REFUSE drama. Regardless, I had to accept that I had no control over how people reacted to things that happened to them or around them. I couldn't make it better or soften the blow. Egos are egos. People are people. They can control my reactions as much as I control theirs and that's all there is to it really. I am only responsible for how I react to things. So, today I turned that shit around and laughed about it. I made jokes about every time there was confusion or a screw up or I was asked to cover for someone else's screw up and had no choice but to follow thru. I did it with a lighter heart and I may have became aware of my breathing once or twice...but it wasn't a constant internal dialogue that warned me I am two breathes away from hyperventilating...lol I got this. 

Learning to breathe is like learning to take charge of your own life. It is not letting your emotions run you right over. You acknowledge it, deal with it and move past it. Some days though...I would love to hit my head enough to induce amnesia. LOL  SURPRISE!!! I'm human too. I make mistakes. I fail and fail harder and sometimes, epic-ally fail hahaha I'm still learning. I will probably always be learning. I read somewhere "why stay on earth except to grow?" well...I guess I took that to heart hahaha I love growing :D 

So, I am aware of my breathing and my problem (that elephant in the room that won't be ignored).  I have become too aware now. So I am going to breathe. 

and be thankful that I am not Skynet (this is not mine but belongs to someone out in the interwebs)...

Breathe. Not lamaze.

Frenemies and the excessive attention drama addicts!

So, lately I have been having a rough time not feeling guilty about not feeling bad for not talking to some of my friends. Quite frankly, I have always been all about the whole "if you make time for things or people that are important to you, then they matter". I found myself in this situationship (no longer a friendship) where I have this friend I haven't talked too much in months and months on end. It isn't like I'm mad at her or anything. I'm content. I stopped feeling sad about being ignored months ago. Now, they have called and would like to reappear in my life. Suffice it to say, their life is kinda gone to shit. Mine isn't so bad. Sure I have frustrations and irritations (they same ones I always have) but I'm getting to a good place in my life where I am happy and, surprisingly, content with the way things are right now. Okay, so maybe more complacent than content. I am just listening to the voice inside of me (not the one that demands chocolate or the one who only ever thinks of sex or the other who wants fireworks ALL THE TIME!!!) that keeps saying I am right where I need to be.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah... well...

I'm done with drama. I'm doing everything possible to avoid drama causing people and situations. I date men outside of my community. I don't go out around small town/rural hell anymore. I pretty much keep to myself to avoid the whole gossip crowd. I don't invite anyone over anymore since it appears to lead to drama...so here I am. Drama-less and ol'friend wants back in. The whole "Whatcha up to chum?" kind of annoys me actually because I know it's not about me. As tempted as I was to tell them everything that is going on in my life...I played it cool and just said "same ol, same ol" and when they asked if I was going out this weekend, I said "Nope. Working." and when they called me a work-aholic I said "I guess I am." You see what I did there? I didn't engage the drama. I realized something crazy...having drama type people in your life, invites drama to your life and BAM! Soap Opera story line central starts happening and it stars you! Little, just minding my own business, you.It starts out small and then suddenly...in the middle of the night to "Hey, I heard you were mad at me...I can't sleep...why are you angry? What did I ever do to you? Even my kids are upset because I told them you were upset with me..." Because I'm sure your children are concerned, at 2:45 am, about me being upset. All because I stopped paying attention to you. No. That is not how friendship works. The roles are not supposed to be rigid, but fluid. If you don't get it now - you never will.

Now...back on topic...

To be clear, some of those drama causing people don't even realize they cause their own dramas. It's the craziest thing in the world. Honestly, I am glad I don't have to deal with the people who have friends whose boyfriends stole from them, or who kids are suspended for starting a brawl, or who are getting charged for cyber bullying (seriously! 40 yr olds doing that to teens is depraved!!!! Well...more depraved than usual) and the list goes on...and on...and on...and it NEVER ENDS!!!! The term for those friends is FRIEND TERRORIST and/or FRENEMY!!!!

So, here I was, feeling guilty about not feeling bad. I know I am being talked about and I wanted to care a little bit. I wanted to feel hurt. I wanted to be upset that I had a friendship terrorist moment where my saboteur was my friend and they destroyed our friendship. But I didn't. If I felt bad it would have made me feel a lil better and less like I lived a lie knowingly. Let's face it, by the time it comes about naturally, you and your own frenemy are not speaking. Mainly because they are doing exactly what is in the aforementioned picture ^ up there. Plus...I really did want to feel something instead of "oh..well...that's nice" about them. It's like some strangers family member dying and while you feel sympathetic - it doesn't touch more than the surface. Now I sound like an asshole, an honest asshole mind you, but an asshole nevertheless. All simply because I just don't care beyond the surface anymore.

I am not sitting at home feeling bad about being ignored. I am not upset about our plans being blown. I am not angry over the fact I told you something in private that you shared with someone else. I am not raging because you chose to twist my words and start a fight between our friends and me. I am not disappointed to find the knife you stabbed in my back...anymore. I just don't feel deeply for you anymore. I'm beyond that now. You are simply too late.

So, here I am. Down a few friends. I just reached the end of my rope. There are no more excuses for this. I am done feeling like I did something wrong and I was being punished for it. I am not mentioning names because they deserve the right to go on with their lives and not be hounded by anybody...but if you think this is about you, and we haven't had this discussion, then maybe you're next. Do us both a favor and show yourself the way out. Thanks.

I honestly thought drama addiction was just me being a little melodramatic (I'm learning damn it! lol) and lo-en-behold! TA-DA! There was an article in Psychology Today about it. Here is an exerpt:

"The obvious answer is drama gets attention. However, it is more than that. Drama causes the pituitary gland and hypothalamus to secrete endorphins, which are the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds, which heroin and other opiates mimic.[32-40] Hence, drama eases the anxiety of wanting more attention than you are getting. Naturally, since drama uses the same mechanisms in the brain as opiates, people can easily become addicted to drama.[41-45] Like any addiction, you build up a tolerance that continuously requires more to get the same neurochemical affect.[46-49] In the case of drama, then means you need more and more crises to get the same thrill. "

excessive-attention-seeking-and-drama-addiction

So, there you are. It DOES EXIST!

I'm glad to have a few true friends. I am not subjected to rigid rules with them. I can cry, I can be super happy, I actively listen and they actively listen. They cry. They are super happy. We take care and love and appreciate each other. That's what being friends is all about. There is no score kept but somehow, it always works out. I am truly blessed, divinely favored, to have a few friends like that in my life. I feel loved. 

So, tomorrow I am going to focus on just appreciating the friends I have right now. I am going to focus on the good, and move past the bad (even if the psychos keep trying to drag me back). I am going to move forward with my goals. I sleep at night. I work. I play. I date (a lot right now - I'll write about my new friend soon). I laugh. I am joyful. I am thankful. But still...

Much luv n hugs xoxox ;)