I always remember how hard it is to be kind - Right before I make the decision to either forgive, forget and move on or be blunt or let myself be pissed off. I have no patience for people who like to make themselves a victim repeatedly. Over and over and time and time again - it is ALWAYS someone else's fault. They blame other people for choices they made that led to them having something bad happen to them. Well ya know what, getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. You are literally risking your life right there. You don't think about it in such a way but you do. You could fall and break your neck, choke on lint (Terran! DEATH BY LINT!!! LOL Omg that's old hahaha) and die, or you could be hit by a drunk driver. Everything you do and what happens to you is a consequence of the decision you made to get out of bed. The second you were born you were on a time release.
So, harping about how your Sister is sick and her husband won't take care of her because he wants to work all the time...ya know what...that's your sister's life. She probably knows the story better. Better yet, if it bothers you so much, maybe you should go see her and discuss it with her or take care of her. Or you can sympathize with her. Just remember that everything you wouldn't do, is because you are relating it to your OWN EXPERIENCES! Maybe they really need the money because they are 2,000 away from a down payment on a house. All these crazy judgments - I don't need that shit in my life. No one deserves to be the reason why I should pity you. The real question is, what do you really expect from me when you always call me to tell me something catastrophic is happening to you (but really - it's not happening to you at all - your SISTER - not YOU!) on a daily basis?
I used to be one of those peoples. For example, I blamed my former best friend for sleeping with my former boyfriend. She should have been loyal to me because you don't do that to your friends. He should have never did that to me because he promised to tell me if he didn't want to be with me anymore. yada, yada, ya. He wasn't former at the time but I knew he was a cheater. I made a poor choice and my pride got in the way of me owning up to it. I blamed him for cheating on me (which is partially true - no man's penis has ever just 'fallen' into some woman's vagina). I blamed him for ruining my relationship with my best friend...and then I stopped myself. Because I said "wait a minute...she has a vagina...and is known for sleeping with her best friends boyfriends...and he's a big asshole who lives to lie and cheat....plus he's an opportunistic parasite..." and ladies and gentlemen we have 2 tramps for the price of 1! The biggest face palm ever. I stopped blaming them. I was expecting them to treat me like how I would treat them. I was too busy seeing them through my own experience and perceptions. They could have never treated me with the decency I would have treated them - because they are not me. (and thankfully I am not them!!)
It was like I asked for this perfect storm to happen. In reality I didn't but think about it this way...two known cheaters get together - one has a vagina and the other has a penis and they are both straight. They both have loose morals and no sense of loyalty. I look back and want to smack younger Jules in the head and say "Dumbass! You know what's going to happen and that's why you are hurting and pulling away already so just end this and save us the trouble of having to deal with them when they both go psycho." Now....they need to invent time travel because I would change this...I would have left his sorry ass and stopped being her friend the second I learned she had sex with another friend's boyfriend. This friend still doesn't know and I am not going to bust their bubble because they don't care anymore so...I just warned them to be careful and that was that. Still, my own sense of pride and loyalty got in the way. I am loyal to a fault. I defended them both even after it was all said and done. Regardless of that, I own up to my part in it. I was complacent. That was my mistake. But that's also what experience is for right?
There are times when shit isn't your fault - like a car collision because of icy roads. Or when someone passes away...ya know...use some common sense to figure that stuff out. Either way, I reached the end of my rope this past week. There was just too much of everything going on. too much blaming, shoulding, why didn't you, drama, chaos, etc. I was hurting. All of my concerns were being brushed aside. I just snapped. Literally can pinpoint the second when I snapped. It was over cross contamination (this was being explained for the 1001 time) and everyone just glossed over it. Brushed it off like it didn't matter - which felt like they were saying I don't matter. I snapped. It was the straw that broke the camels back basically. I realized, just because everything is different, doesn't mean some things have changed. The just didn't want to learn.
I still was going through this victim cycle. But no more. I slapped on my big girl make up, dressed for work, and literally kicked ass all week. My attitude towards every man that treated me as less-than because I am a woman this week, basically screamed "Just because I have breasts and a vagina doesn't make me any less of a threat to you. A penis and some testicles does not make you more threatening inside a boardroom. They don't make you worth more than me!!" For those who called me arrogant I simply stated "No sweetie. Arrogance, at it's most basic, is undeserved pride. I worked hard to get where I am in life. My pride is wholly deserved and well earned." I just literally broke through my own barriers and here I am...I haven't met this side of myself in years. Since 2009 when I was definitely more hard and only showed my softer side to those closest to me.
So, here I am. A few "friends" are out of my life now. I have nothing to say for the man I was actually interested in. He pretty much ignored me for three weeks (a few messages after I messaged him does not count as showing interest) and I am not going to give anymore chances. If you think I am so worthy, then put in some effort. I put in effort and now I'm just done. I'm done trying to meet people half way. I'm literally exhausted. What more can I do?! Those friends weren't real friends. I'm not going to make the same mistake and giving my loyalty to someone when they obviously cannot give me theirs. That guy - I'm simply not investing in something that is one sided.
and I confronted those harsh cruelties. I confronted the cruelties of betrayed trust, misplaced loyalty and the faults in myself. I bravely faced myself. I wanted to beat myself up. But I decided to not do any of that. I want a fresh start. So, here I am. Deactivated my FB. Deleted a ton of numbers in my phone. Deleted phone numbers in my cell. Deleted email addresses. Got rid of this and that and here I am. Zero. I have reset myself back to zero. Old habits die hard. Tenacious habits and times were you want to do something simply because you are so accustomed to it. Now, I'm back at zero. Trying to learn new habits. It's a conscious decision. Old habits may die hard but the important part is that they die. It may take weeks, months or years, but they will die. I am tenacious too.
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