Sometimes you just gotta go a little crazy

So, after all this breathing deeply and holding my head up high...I tripped over the last hurdle and fell into the ninth layer of hell. Pretty sure Dante is laughing his ass off at me right now...damn bastard! Either way, after all of the stress I have been under lately regarding bills, health, weight loss, slow heart rate, insulin resistance, and whatever else life can fuck me over with (yeah! I mean you too cracked furnace!!!) I ended up catching the flu. Well, it held me hostage. I wasn't trying to catch anything hahaha in my defense, I was just trying to tread water at that point.

So, I wanted to give up. All the work I put into making my relationship work, trying to rebuild my credit, trying to help two communities I care so very much about, trying to be the best daughter I can, trying to be the best friend I can, trying to be happy, trying to be...and just none of it seemed to matter. I got hit with one thing after another. First I blew out my entire left flank moving something. Then my boyfriend and I fought because we're both stressed out and overworked and we were being bad partners. Although I heard from a reliable source my freak out was totally justified. I still owned up to my own actions regardless. Christmas supper was supposed to be me and my family and only my parents showed up. Which I am still eternally grateful for <3 Then I call my family to wish them a Merry Christmas only to hear about people slandering me. Then I get run off the road by a cop and almost ended up in the ditch. Then...it just went on and on. Literally could not catch a break. I haven't been able to catch a break. I wanted to give up. I felt like my life was one big Charlie Brown moment and I needed someone to start following me and going "waaaaaamp waaaamp waaaaaaaaaaamp"and still I kept on trying. Because some voice inside of me kept shouting "this too shall pass" and I was all "are you sure?" So, I kept trying and started to feel more solid...and then I got the flu.

Annnnndddd apparently you can't call in dead. I tried. They all just laughed at me. That part in the movie Carrie where her mother was trippin' balls going "they're all gonna laugh at you" came to mind. Then I had no choice to go to work to finish up some massive meeting prep. Sick as hell, looking like Wednesday Addams (and Im normally a nice almond brown - that's what some random model search person said to me once anyways lol), and all I got told is that I should be at home in bed...that I look like shit...and that I'm ol pale face. Either way, I did what I had to do. I had my 4 back to back teleconferences for these working groups and then I was out. For the rest of the week. Yesterday, when my brain finally started working, I realized, all this time I have been getting kicked down, beaten down, and was drowning and coughing up the water I was swallowing...and I never once fought back. That's not like me at all.

I am a fighter. I have never allowed myself to be treated in the ways I have let myself be treated recently. Walked over and walked through like I wasn't even there. Like some fucking puddle. That's not me hunny. I worked my ass to get where I am today. I worked hard to become the woman I am today. I have never accepted anything less than what I have aimed for and what effort I put into things...I get back one way or another. I can compromise - don't get me wrong now. I'm just not used to being emotional and all wishy-washy. I've been suffering from some serious tunnel vision but after having my ass kicked by the flu - well...I'm ready to start kicking back. I'm so done with everything.

So, I've been fighting some pretty big battles lately and doing the best I can with what I have. I have been overwhelmed though. Mounting bills, mounting debts, mounting responsibilities, mounting worries and still have to adapt to the massive changes my life has undergone in the last year. I have a boyfriend. He's great. He's perfectly imperfect. I can often be quoted as telling him "I love you...and yet there are still days where I still wanna strangle you and kiss you at the same time" hahahaha I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't know that it goes both ways. I also lost over 200 lbs. So, I'm adjusting to two massive life changes in a year or less. It's a lot to take in. Both are good for me (I do love Eric so very much <3 Even if he makes me question my sanity at times hahaha I miss him even when he's in the next room hahahaha it's weird) and both brought some positive changes to my life (I can run up the stairs without getting out of breath! YAY!). Eric and I live together and I'm good with this. I like it. It happened quickly and people wanna judge...giver tits! Giver hell! Giver whatever ya wanna giver but the point is...I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't give nothing. That's pretty much what the point is. I got caught up in an old cycle. A cycle I didn't realize until today when Julia finally re-inhabited my body.

So, I'm just gonna be awesome. I'm good at that. I'm good at problem solving. I'm good at fixing myself up. I'm good at a lot of things...but tonight I just went a lil bit crazy. I laughed for no real reason. I giggled at the smallest things. I painted my nails and then took off the polish and tried another one. I'm going to redo them one more time later hahahaha I needed to go a little crazy. Sometimes, losing your mind and just letting go is good for you. I haven't felt this light hearted in a long time, So, Doctor Google says I have either lost my mind and am having a fugue episode or psychotic break or I am drunk. I can assure you I am not drunk. I am just literally tired of feeling like shit. Feeling the weight of all the bullshit that has been happening to me and around me. After spending an entire week puking my guts out and fighting to stay hydrated, I have realized one simple thing - there was never no light in the dark. If I was there, there was light. I felt trapped in the dark. I felt alone and lost and lonely and I let those negative emotions and thoughts and what people were saying about me get to me...well, too bad. I'm over it. I'm done. What doesn't kill me will not only make me stronger but smarter. Screw heading towards the light - I AM THE LIGHT. Take that tunnel. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sometimes, we all need to remember that we need to be our own champions. So, STAND TALL! You were born to stand tall and stand freely. Do it up. I'll high five you and cheers my glass of apple juice to that! hahaha

Till next time,

xoxo 1/2