Walking the road with not one sign! AHHHHHH!!!!

So, I am walking the road with not one sign and I have no idea where I am going to end up. For the first time in a long ass time...I'm okay with this. I don't have a destination or any idea where I am going or what I am going to do. All I know for certain is that I am going to just do. I am going to just keep on going.

This week was a crazy, intense, and utterly scary week. My heart rate went super low (38 bpm) and I was rushed to the Doctor's and then to the hospital. I was laying in a cold, sterile room and thinking about how everything is out of control. I had no control over my body. I had no control over the things going on in my family. I couldn't attend work because the Doctor put me on bed rest for a week. I had no idea the medication I was prescribed to stop gallstones from forming was slowing my heart rate down. It was trail and error to stabilize my heart rate (go 65 bpm!!!! woot! woot!). While sitting in that room (I refused to lay down anymore - but got told to at least recline hahahaha I'm stubborn) I realized that I was doing it again. I was letting myself be overwhelmed with everything going on around me that I had no control over. When I realized I was being overwhelmed and was crying out of frustration and fear...then I felt that mad insane peace take over mind...All because I said to myself "Dude...You got this. Ya things may be a bit shardy and hard to deal with right now but you will get through it. Just stop trying to fix everything. Don't drown dumbass!" Then I stopped worrying about everything I had no control over. I stopped trying to fix myself and let the professionals do their damn job. Then TA-DA! Here I am! :D New medication to fix my ticker (till the other medication is out of my system) and letting people handle their own business.

I am a fixer and a worrier though. I am at my happiest when those I love and care for are happy. This past week there has been arguments and anger and heartache and tears and tons of crappy gloom and doom. Part of me wanted to protect my family and friends from what I was going through because they each have their own lives and are dealing with their own problems. But...there IS a but...I promised to not do that anymore. So, I was honest and told them what is going on with me. It wasn't easy because I could see the worry in their eyes and I could hear it in their voice. I felt like I just added to their own worries. Still, I held true to my word and didn't keep my problems to myself. Yet, it also reminded me that we are all walking our own paths. Some of them are paved, some have gone off the trail, some are standing still, some are slowly walking it and others are just zooming by. We are pedestrians on the road of life. I just hope no one runs me over on it hahahahaha

So, I am currently travelling a road with not one sign. To me that means I am just letting things progress in whatever fashion they will. Whether it be for good or bad. Don't know how long I can keep that up but I am willing to surrender my need to control and fix and organize and just be. It's hard to make a path where there was none before. Especially when I have no real destination in mind. Then again, I've been down some pretty wild, unpaved, uncut, overgrown with weeds, drafty, unknown paths in my life already. I've trailblazed before and can do it again. I'm not going to let my fear stop me. I never have and I never will. I'm proud to say I'VE LIVED! Also, that I continue to do so. Since I've experienced a lot in my life and have to say I am kinda life smart (not super smart or I would have learned how to do my own damn taxes by now LOL). Yet, my friends and family come to me for advice on things they know I have been through or if I've been through something similar to what they are going through. I know when to shut up and when to speak. Plus, they know I am brutally honest at times. I do not know everything and since I know I don't know everything, they are aware that I just don't know how to help them at times...because I haven't travelled the road they are on. I never made the pit stop on having a significant other that has a twin that has the hots for you or am coming out to my parents or have been busted for creeping my significant others phone (I wouldn't recommend this - invasion of privacy much! Holy eff!) or a ton of other things. I can only offer advice on the things I lived through and experienced for myself. Even then it is completely from my own perspective and what worked for me might not work for them. So, really now, we are all walking our own paths that is missing quite a few signs!!! hahahaha

So, life is messy. Sometimes, I go off the road I am on and start making my own way. I'm just the same as you, who is reading this. I am still learning. Yeah, I'm gonna be 33 years old this year and I'm actually excited for it :D So what if I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life or how to 90 degree park (I HATE it! LOL)?! So what if I still cry watching disney movies and have my childhood teddy bear laying on my bed (damn thing is older than my Mum! LOL)?! So what if I am over 30, still single, and renting an apartment and don't own any property?! So what if the plans I made for myself when I was young and ambitious are not being fulfilled?! Well ya know what...that's okay. I'm allowed to make new plans, try out new things, and live my life in whatever way I see fit. I'm allowed to dream new dreams. I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. How the hell can I expect to feel excited about the plans a 13 year old me made? Yeah, I'm still going to write my book (just not the one I wanted to when I was 13). Yeah, some day I am going to build (or buy!) a cottage by a lake and have a big ass dog called Mr. Mugs. But I've stopped feeling disappointed for not reaching the deadline I gave myself to meet those goals. To live those dreams. 

So, in essence, I'm just paving my own Julia road. Pave your own road. If you don't like the path you are on, make a new one. Go off the trail. Roam in the wilderness. Blaze a trail. The only thing you could do that could make all the difference in the world to you - is to live. Really, truly live. Walk a road with not one sign. It's an adventure ;)

Till next time,

          xo 1/2

Celebrating Yourself!

So, today I reached my goal of losing 100 lbs. I didn't do anything too special during the day. All I did was clean up my apartment, get some strawberries and chocolate milk from the grocery store, talk with my cousins about dogs and cats and spring cleaning and yup...nothing much. I was so prepared to spend the day cleaning and doing nothing even if I managed to meet one of my first weight loss goals...I was gonna spend it on my COUCH! I had no plans. I don't really go out to bars. I think I've become some kind of recluse or something. Then a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go out to a bar and I said yes. Why the hell have I been spending my time in my Netflix coma induced couch weekends? I used to be so adventurous and now I'm all...that sounds like work hahahahaha But my couch is pretty comfy...

In the end, I decided to instigate an old tradition I had...I am going to start celebrating firsts again. Which is just another way of saying I am going to celebrate myself. I'm glad that my friend asked me to go out with her because I really would have just stayed at home and done nothing. My weight loss is a first and the biggest goal I had for this year! I should celebrate myself more often. I even got all dolled up to go dancing and wore my shiny shoes and felt great! It felt great! :D I'm so happy that I can make myself happy too. Happy enough to want to share my accomplishments with the world.

So, I used to celebrate everything with dancing or doing something with my friends. That way they could share in my joy and have a good time as well. Because really, we all should be sharing our joys and triumphs with those that know us best and those that want to be around us. It got me thinking that I haven't celebrated firsts with my friends in a long time though. I wondered why I even stopped in the first place. It was a New Years Resolution I had a few years back and it was the most difficult but amazing year :) We celebrated the first time I drove in a city. We celebrated the first time my friend moved out of province. We celebrated the first time my cousin moved in with her boyfriend. We found a reason to be joyful and to celebrate. 

So, I've decided that I am going to start bringing that back. I am going to start celebrating firsts with my friends and loved ones. Even if it is something that might be a lil sad, having someone there might be all someone needs to get through it. I remember that I had a few friends over for the first time I ever baked a cake for the child I lost in 2004. It was a sad event but having their company on that day meant the world to me. I think that maybe that is what this world needs - more celebrating the little things in life. Like the first time you fit into those skinny jeans, or the first time you shaved your head bald or the first time you met the in-laws...something, ANYTHING! 

As for me, what I need to do more of is celebrate life. It is the only one I am going to have in this body, during this time, and with these memories. I appreciate all that is, all that was and all that will be. I want to embrace my life with gusto again instead of being...stagnant. I've been standing still. While it's good to take a breather...I've been isolating myself and that's not good. I want to see people smile. I want to shout a cheery hello. I want to make people laugh. I want to see the vibrancy of their life reflected back at me. That's how I want to celebrate life. How do you want to celebrate life?

Till next time,

       xo 1/2

History Repeats Itself

So, this week has went by rather quickly. Sadly, a lot of what has been going on in my life has finally caught up to me and it has taken it's toll. I'm just exhausted. So very exhausted from everything changing and shifting and trying to keep up and coping and not coping and...well...I'm not as screwed up as I thought I was but I am infinitely feeling a little more lost than I have in a long time.

I have kind of stepped away from everything this week and I feel horrible for it. People counted on me to be there and help them do things but I...I've given so much lately that I want to keep what little I have left to soothe the hurts on my spirit and soul. I'm hurting. I'm heart sick and my spirit is weary. I once thought I could keep pushing myself but there is nothing more I can do except let time and distance give me what I need.

But still, I feel so much guilt. I've always taken care of my family and friends first. It is just in my nature. I don't want anything from them either for it. I'm not looking for acknowledgment or accolades or anything even remotely close to that. As silly and cliche as this may sound, all I wanted and continue to want, is their happiness. I've always been this way. As far as I can remember. I've always put the needs, wants and desires of others before my own. Since I started putting myself first...I find I have a hard time being comfortable with it.More so when I am already vulnerable and unsure of myself. I'm not sure how I feel about having a psychologist tell me that I need to be putting me first again. I guess...it's just an old habit and what I know best...no wonder I feel so lost...

These past couple of months have been a hard and lonely road for me. I've felt so alone in a room full of people I love and so lost looking at the person in the mirror. I'm confused and I'm found. I'm broken but I am whole. I am shattered but I am together. I am alive but I feel dead. I hope but I know hope is a false thing when it lives in a lie. While I know I cannot change the path I have walked these past couple of months, I really am running on faith that I will continue to do what is right for me and for those I love.

I am once again reminded how those you love will always be the only ones who can hurt you the most. This is only because they matter. Still, I love myself and in the end...I've unwittingly led myself to believe something that is VERY false and it has hurt me. I've convinced myself that I am meant to be alone. I've been given nothing but a loathsome reminder that I'm inability to have children has put this block between me and everyone else. I loved a man once, so very, very much...and he left me because I could not give him children of his own flesh and blood. I struggle with that memory a lot. I struggle with hearing him say those words to me and, in the heat of anger, tell me I'm just a defective woman. It is something I carry with me and it is a wound that has festered. Slowly, poisoning me until I have reached this place...this place where I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Or wondering why I even bother trying to keep my heart open to love when my experiences with it have left scars...some so deep...I know I push past it but how do I heal the abyss of the pain some have left on my heart? How do I heal the betrayal from those I love? How do I heal when I don't know what I am doing anymore? But I have to have faith...

So, I have faith. I need to have faith. Someone who loved me, even at my worst and most unlovable, once told me that I make them proud. That I matter. That no matter what I do with my life, that they would still love me and be proud to call me theirs. They told me that my soft heart would be hurt a lot and I listened but I didn't think they might have meant this much. Still, they also told me that I am like a reed in a river, never breaking but bending to the rushing currents and debris around me. Then again...they told me a lot of things but they always did say that it was my soft heart that made me so beautiful. 

I was warned that people would take foregranted who I am simply because of my own nature to accept things and people as they are and to forgive them for almost anything. I have to have faith that they were right...when I was at my lowest, when I contemplated not fighting for my future anymore, not bothering with anyone or anything around me, and that I wasn't worth it anymore and started building walls around myself, they said "I know with a certainty that would surprise you that you WILL endure, survive and recover from pain, strife, and the cruelties that are around you and thrown at your feet. I know this in my bones because you are strong and your ambitions are not for yourself but for others. You need to be more selfish. Quit giving so much of yourself away to people who don't recognize the gift you give them" and I need to believe that they were right. That I am that strong. I survived everything life has thrown at me so far and I've lived with these holes in my heart for a long time...I just wish it didn't have to be this way. Wishes...they are always selfish. 

Since I started writing this blog so much has happened in my life. I can't believe I am still standing at times. I mean...I've been lost, I've been betrayed, I've been hurt repeatedly, I've been abused, I've been used, I've been changing, I've suffered from exhaustion (both mental, physical and emotional more than I can count!), I've been dealing with loss and grief and facing things I have put a lot of energy into NOT facing before...and yet here I am. Still trusting that everything will turn out okay and that the universe is always on time. The reality of the fact is letting go takes times. I am still dealing with the raw edges of emotions, thoughts and fears I have kept to myself for a long ass time. And yet...I am still here. 

I have many reasons to be strong. I have many reasons to push myself further and harder. Not because I feel like I always have to be strong but my reasons are simple and worth the effort it takes to face the day. I'm not physically strong though. My strength is a strength without having to be strong...it's beyond physical. It is without establishing my dominance or superiority over anybody. It is what gets me up every single day, it is what makes me smile when I hear someone say my name with happiness in their voice and it is what allows me to experience the overwhelming sense of joy I get when I experience those rare moments of belonging...and my reasons are deeply personal and my own. But sometimes...we need to depend on others to be strong for us and it just happens that I have a hard time doing that because of my past.

So, I have a hard time depending on people (not just my family and friends but people as in professionals and other people in general) to be there for me because every instance in my life, growing up, when I needed someone, and when they said they would be there, they weren't. I have been hurt repeatedly by them. Some not believing me, other demeaning me, and some...their indifference was more painful than those that outright hated me. Not that I expected them to do anything but just being there, in the same room, hearing me out, would have helped. Presence...it matters more than people realize. But I know that they can only support me through everything that comes my way in life because I need to do the work. When I was starting my healing journey, I was told that I would want to give up a lot but was told to not give up. That I was more resilient than I realized. I didn't think I was at the time. I was 15 years old, I just charged a well known family patriarch with sexual inference (I was 4 when it started), I had one failed suicide attempt directly behind me, I was being placed in foster care for my own protection (I was being threatened to drop the charges) and every time I did do the right thing...it became the hardest thing in the world. No one knew how hard I fought to get where I am. How many times I almost gave up on everything...doing the right thing took me from my family and friends. Doing the right thing ostracized me in my community for awhile. I was ashamed. I was being judged. I was being told that God would want me to forgive him and all it did was inspire anger and rage inside of me because all I could think of was "where was God when I was just a little girl and a grown man got sexual pleasure from using my body?! Where was God then?!" and I stopped believing in God. But when I was told I was resilient...they were right. I am resilient and I learned young that doing the right thing is NOT the easiest thing. 

So, I know that the right thing to do is to trust that not everyone is out to hurt me and to not close myself off from the world just because I am hurting inside. I dealt with the feelings that being sexually assaulted and abused as child wrought in me. The aftermath is something I deal with all the time. It is not really in my nature to let anyone close. In my heart though, I yearn for that closeness and it sometimes becomes a physical ache. I want to be proven wrong. I want to believe that people are good. I want to believe that everything I have been through has been for reason but I really, really hate it when someone says God works in mysterious ways. I've done so much to lose even more in my life...that I am scared to lose what little I have left. I love the friends I have right now and that I am close to, I know I can depend upon them to be there for me. They understand why it is so hard for me to let them be there at times...and I love and appreciate them even more for understanding my heart more than I do. I don't take anything foregranted because I am so very aware of how quickly everything you love about your life, can be taken from you. 

So, I am not as put together as people think I am. I work hard to find whatever happiness I can and I hold on to it. I work hard to be the best me I can. I am not afraid of working hard hahahaha My problem is...I'm scared now. I am scared of being hurt. I'm having a hard time trusting my own judgement in people because of how poorly my judgment has been in the past. Like seriously here, I have had 2 boyfriends and 1 fiance cheat on me, I've been stabbed in the back numerous times, I have had my trust betrayed in the worst ways possible, I have had my infertility used as a means to end a relationship with me, I have been treated as some kind of fetish because of my size (I am more then a face and a body!), and...I'm weary and afraid to open up anymore. I am trying to have faith...in myself and the fact that I still do believe most people are good. I am trying to trust my own judgement. I am trying to not shut out those that honestly do care for me...I really, really am trying not to do that but it is hard. The urge to close myself off is strong. Still, I am not the type of person to just shy away from everyone and everything just because I am experiencing a ton of bad shit and a lot of doubts. For now though, I just gotta accept that I am a lil lost and confused inside. That I shouldn't be making any decisions until I feel solid and that I will be okay. It is one thing I have learned (and STILL it irritates me!) that I will always be okay. Still, I have wishes for myself that I want realized and it's time I start cultivating some of that healthy selfishness I keep getting told to do...I got the message now. Jeeze...

Till next time,

        xo 1/2

Remembering my own simple truths

So, this past week has been pretty rough for me. First I got sick, then my Mum got sick, and then I got bad news and well...I just shut down. Literally, I couldn't function at all. It was like I was in a daze going through the motions of everything but really not realizing what I was doing at all. I was overwhelmed. Someday, I would really like to just be whelmed hahahahaha Would be better than being OVER whelmed. Still, once I snapped out of it I realized I need to start focusing once more on what is important to me. What soothes my soul, comforts my heart and lifts my spirits.

I started to focus on what matters. The first thing I did was attend my first meeting with a trained Social Worker in order to start getting things out there. The things that hurt me, frustrate me, puzzle me, confuse me and all the other raw emotions that have been eating at me. I needed to focus on me because I matter too. Yeah, I've been concentrating a lot on my Mum and our family. We are going through some pretty rough and sad things right now. I forgot the one thing that I should never forget - that I need to take care of me too. I've been stressing out over my bariatric diet and the crazy amount of protein I need to eat a day. I've been trying to manage the changes my body is going through, with the things going on in my professional life, and then my personal life...plus all the family stuff...and no wonder why my brain malfunctioned. No wonder why I was losing hair and losing sleep. I've been worrying about things I cannot change and I know that I know better. Guess I just needed that kick in the ass and to take that first step.

So, I've been focusing on me the last couple of days. I've been letting out the pent up emotions I have been feeling and not all of them are nice feelings either. I'm lonely for my Mama and wishing she was here. I am still pissed off at all the pointless nitpicking and infighting going on. I am losing sleep because I keep waiting to get a phone call and I'll have to deal with the next disaster. I'll need to provide that guidance. I keep falling into that same cycle and I can't fix all the problems. It sucks but I need to hammer that home over and over. Hell! My light bulb cover exploded this week and I was all calm about it and just said "I'll probably die in a fire because this place is sketchy"...and no wonder why my friends are worried for me. I've been kinda gloom and doom...and that's not me at all. I'm typically happy and laugh at the crazy, random and bizzare things that happen in and around me. Hell! Last week two truckers were brawling it out on the road in front of my apartment complex. Life is full of mysteries and unexpected...well...unexpected everythings hahahaha But there is one thing I need to start reinforcing with myself - This is MY life. I am always learning. 

So, there is no guarantee for anything in this life. Time is always working against you. Time is not your friend. It is an unexplainable force that people have been trying to define for centuries. We all try to cram so much into our lives because on some level we know that time is not on our side. I learned a long time ago that life is truly a pain in the ass but one amazing joy after another. To explain...That the bad, the pain, makes the good, the joy, touch me deeper because it is fleeting. I am lucky though. I have always been good at finding my own happiness or creating it. I learned to hang on to whatever happiness I could find. 

I learned a long time ago to accept that whatever happens, happens. I accept everything that was. I learn, laugh and love because of everything that currently is. Then I have hope and faith for everything that is yet to be. I just got sidetracked and forgot those simple, but important truths. I don't feel so out to sea without a compass anymore. I remember that for every sorrow, for every moment of pain there is a reason to smile and a moment for joy. I've been focusing so much on what was and things that are long dead now and things I have no control over...that I couldn't hear the voice inside of me going "HELLO!!!! ANYBODY OUT THERE!!?? I got some shit I need to say to you..." One of those things was letting go. I know I have been holding onto things that no longer serve a purpose. I need to let go of the fairytale. It is time to let go of the life that might have been. I need to remember that once I am done letting it all go, only then, can something even better come into my heart and make itself at home. 

There was a time, after I lost my son, that I was too afraid to look back and face my own losses, my own lapses in judgement, and face myself. Yet, I remembered the pure joy I felt when I heard his heart beat. I remembered the good times. I remember that was when I realized how simple it is to live in a single moment of pure joy. I learned that without remembering those moments that brought me so much joy, that filled me to the brim with warmth and love and laughter, that there was nothing but space and the beating of my own heart, my own thoughts and words echoing out into the vast nothingness of time. I needed a reality check again...

So, I have been facing my own self this past little while. I am far from being okay but I am getting there. Feeling more solid. I know that sometimes the heart holds on to the things it loves long after whatever it loved is gone...but the most important things in life aren't things. They are people, moments, and miracles and wonder and awe and just wow. Somehow, I convinced myself that this was it for me. I forgot one of the most basic and simplest of truths...the world is full of possibilities and I can exercise the simple power of choice. I just need to remember to focus on my own truths and what is important. It is crazy how easy it is to cycle back into an old habit but...I'm not going to let that happen. I worked too hard and fought too long to get to where I am. Just watch me ;)

Till next time,

         xo 1/2