I'm not with stupid anymore...so get over it because I am

So, this week it has come to my attention (AGAIN!) that everyone seems to think I care about who is with one of my ex-boyfriends. Honestly, I don't care. What I do care about is why people keep mentioning it. It's weird. It bothers me. This is a relationship that ended a few years back now and it still makes headlines around this little sleepy town. I never knew my relationships were such a hot button issue...but then again, that is the relationship where one of my closest friends (could even have called her my best friend) slept with my boyfriend (he's my ex-boyfriend). I already realized there was no room for me in his heart and I was surprisingly alright with that.  This is when it was really driven home that there is no such thing as a painless lesson. Those just don't exist...only because pain is a catalyst.

I cared once. Once upon a time I cared. What happened hurt me a lot and I was depressed for days. Yet, I am a resilient and strong woman who fought to get where I am and was not about to let this stop me from moving on with my life. I tried to remain friends with the person who betrayed me because to me, their friendship was more important. I miss that friendship at times but then I remember how often I would be told harsh things like "you're jealous of me because I have kids and you can't" or some other things that just brought me down. Despite those, they were there for me during a time I needed them. When I felt alone and lost. I miss that. I do honestly miss the person I knew I could call up to talk to about everything. Even if they acted like they knew everything or had "lived" everything hahahaha I missed that. What I learned at the end of our friendship though, was that the person I was going to miss was just a figment of my imagination. It was almost like they couldn't handle the fact that I could never hate them...because I really did love them. Past tense though. That ship has sailed.

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So, life goes one. Since all that drama ended, I feel like I remained classy about it. I always let them both call me a liar, a slut, a whore, a cunt, a bitch, a fake, a phony, and whatever else they wanted to call me. I actually let a lot of people call me whatever. Not that I don't want to stand up for myself but it makes them look bad - shows their character - not mine. Still, it started to not hurt me anymore. I had stopped crying by then. When I realized it didn't hurt anymore I grieved them both because I finally acknowledged that they were dead to me. They are a part of my past. A part of a harsh lesson I needed to learn. I regret nothing and I wish them both well. I, honestly, hope that they both find someone, someday, that will make them happy. It is not in my nature to hate. I would never try to replace them though. Saying goodbye to them in my heart, hurt a lot but I know farewells are always difficult.

So, I am very proud of my heart. After it went through that harsh lesson, one I probably desperately needed to learn, I was okay. I learned that I could still be okay. It wasn't the end of the world. It took a few months but I was solid again. I even started dating again. I was swept off my feet and dropped like a hot potatoe LOL But I knew then, that my heart was still capable of love. Which is what I feared the most...that I would be too scared to let anybody get close to me anymore. I, also, learned that my forgiveness is not a never ending well-spring. I think they needed to learn that too. It made me a better girlfriend and a better friend. I think it just changed me and how I viewed things. What I could and could not accept. Either way, I am who I am.

Regardless, I made myself a promise a long time ago though. Right after my ex-fiance broke my heart and wanted me to come back. Wanted me to try again...I promised myself I'd never go back. I promised to always remind myself that what is broken, sometimes has to stay broken and that I would rather remember it as it once was than try to pick up those pieces and glue it back together again. When you try to pick up the pieces, there are always some missing. I didn't want to see the holes there. I wanted to remember everything as it was. The good times and the bad. It is what our relationship was and those memories are important. They helped to shape who I am. I have no regrets in any of my relationships. Yeah, I have a shit load of failed ones LOL TONS! But I don't regret anything. Well, except for that one time I tried herring eggs and puked right away...I regret that. That was gross and embarrassing. 

So, I'm not with stupid anymore hahahahaha Not with ANY of the stupids I dated hahahaha Admittedly, they weren't all stupid. Some were emotionally constipated, others made me wonder if they were sociopaths, some were just waaaay too close to their dogs (the word bestality comes to mind when I think of Lane and his dog he does EVERYTHING with), some were constantly scared of being emasculated (I like going dutch or taking turns paying for supper or whatever), and some couldn't turn you on if you drew them a map on your body that was numbered LOL Then there was some where it was just all bad timing and others were we had no chemistry. One of my friends is actually married to one of the guys I dated and I couldnt be happier for them. Sometimes, you just aren't a good fit ya know...So, be glad YOU ARE NOT WITH STUPID ANYMORE. You deserve better too. We all deserve someone who is going to want to make us as happy and we want to make them. It really is that simple. 

Right now though...

I am just going to continue being me and doing my own thing. I am not rushing into any relationships. I am not out there stirring up trouble. This is my life. This is my one chance to do whatever the hell I want and I am going to do just that. I am doing just that. If I only know one truth, one solid never-going-to-change-as-long-as-I-live truth, it's that you live when the past is done. I'm doing just that - I live.

Till next time

     xo 1/2

GTFO Papers Handed Out...Hello Instincts!

So, I made quite a few impulsive decisions this past week. I guess you can say that I reached my limit and then I blew it all out of the water. I had it enough. I was tired of listening to the people who do nothing for me but hurt me, question me so much that I feel negatively towards the choices I have made, and are just miserable! So, I got rid of them. This week, I'll be weeding the headaches and the heartaches again. Because they are still here...but once they are found and then pulled out of my garden of life...I'm just gonna...

Still, I make pretty bad choices at times. I can admit this. It is healthy and perfectly sane to admit to my own mistakes or errors in judgement. Ya know, those times where it always seemed so great and everything was amazing, damn sun was shining out of your butt and the rainbow was coming out of your pants. Or something close to that hahahaha. My problem is that I am softer than I know (than I am comfortable admitting to anyways). I am completely a wimp when it comes to cutting the ties and letting someone know they fucked up royally and need to GTFO in the extreme. I avoid parting on bad terms. I am now realizing that I need to stop being so damn nice about people who have burned me. So, this month I got rid of every ex that has tried to come crawling back, like the slug they are....trailing slime everywhere...and lying to me repeatedly. I just had enough. I am done bleeding for them. I am done trying to be a friend. This is where I am just going to fuck it and move on! 

I have been acting on my instincts. I kind of handed them the reins and it's been interesting. I just give into the impulse to say what I want (radical honesty!), I gave up on tact and just rolled with it. So, I called some guy a dumb fucker but he did almost crash into the van I was in. So, I told my Surgeon I thought he looked pretty snazzy and good in his nice suit. That still makes me blush but I did it. So, I bought lunch for a homeless person just because I felt like it. I am just glad I didn't have any rage based impulses but it does take a lot to inspire that kind of violence in me.

So, after careful thought and consideration, I've decided to use my brain though. I like my brain. It let's me plan for things and be organized. I LOVE being organized. I don't care how OCD my habits are....they calm me. I feel better emotionally when things are clean, stuff is organized and is where they are supposed to be. Not to say I can't accept chaos....I just accept it temporarily hahahaha But I used to my brain to plan my attack and to leave those "losers in aluminium foil" in the past. I know I did the right thing. My heart is just taking awhile to not cringe at being so uncompromising. My forgiveness is NOT an never ending well spring here. I need to love me too and forgive me. So, the higher parts of my brain were consulted and we decided to start rebuilding our lives and instituting Marshall law...LMAO just joking about the Marshall Law hahahaha That's too extreme hahahahaha 

So, I have noticed that a lot of the people I have handed their "GTFO" papers too all have this one thing in common...which is that they follow the whole "eye for an eye" and "pound of flesh" thing. While I think that's biblical and yay for them...it's just not for me. I have different views on life. Things I wanna do and experience. Ways to live my life in a good way. I am just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired of LISTENING to damsels who are entirely in love with their own drama.

I just really reached a point in my life where I realized I was repeating a cycle that made me sick. Physically and emotionally sick. Spiritually weak. Mentally drained. I do NOT want that for myself. I've been there. I've dealt with the consequences of being mired in tons of negativity and walking on egg shells because I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. That's not normal. It's not good. It's not how you should feel if you care for someone and you were positive they care for you unconditionally. So, I found my compulsion which is an obsession but both are impulses. I can control those. I got this ;)

So, I am still a bit sad. I bawled my eyes out. I cried till I puked. Then cried so more. Almost urinado'ed from crying and puking so damn hard. But it's done. I am done grieving the friendships and relationships I treasured. I am left with the experiences and the memories that made me smile...and made my heart weary. It wasn't all bad. Still, there comes a time where even I, need to grow up. Where even I need to start doing what is best for me and stop letting my soft side dictate what I do or who I do it with. It still hasn't fixed the hole inside of me where they used to live but I have also felt happier...and for some reason...that makes me feel a bit guilty. They tell me how sorry they are but I just can't find it in me to believe them anymore. If I can't trust you or believe you, why are you here? Why would I let you into my life? I am much happier without you in my life...is the hardest thing I have ever thought after being hung up on...LOL after getting over the whole "AS IF! Bastard hung up on me?! Well...that's poor phone etiquette..." hahahaha My priorities were skewed a lil hahahaha

Lesson learned - I need a good kick in the butt from life sometimes hahahaha It did me some good and helped me realized that I'm not as dependent as I was being lead to believe. I am myself. More myself today than I was yesterday. All my experiences make me who I am. I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the week I spent giving into my impulses hahaha Although I have no idea how I will ever look my Surgeon in the face ever again hahahahaha Shiiitt...LMAO

So, I was reminded of my animality. My instincts. The part of me that is raw, feral and geared to protect those I love and care for...which means me too! While it came as a surprise, A HUGE ONE, to the people I told to GTFO of my life...it strikes me as strange. Just because I am a nice person and generally very happy, it does not mean I am not a wild, fierce, untamed woman underneath all that. Rest assured, you ain't seen nothin' yet ;) But to add brains to all that fierceness...and the self awareness of my own capabilities...I am as dangerous as every single one of you are. Now, it's that a heady pleasure...

Till next time,

        xo 1/2

When your heart wants something but you didn't get the memo till it was too late

So, last night I spent the night on the phone with the embodiment of my lusty temptation (let's call him Jay). It was his birthday. We were on the phone for at least 2 hours before we hung up. It wasn't till I was brushing my teeth to get ready for bed when I thought "It was so nice...I really missed him...that clawing feeling isn't there in the pit of my stomach anymore..." which was quickly followed by a "AH FUCKING SHIT!"

I've known Jay since my engagement ended back in 2005. He's been an amazing friend. Supportive, a good listener, knows when to give advice, encourages me, knows when I need to get my shit together, and he's just a great compassionate and passionate person. The problem is...he doesn't want a relationship.

For years I have denied any feelings other than friendship for him. We make really great friends. Last year, we crossed that line. Well...we didn't cross it more like we demolished that line and all it took was one single kiss and our clothes were decorating my room :/ I've kept my distance since then. I know my heart. I felt something shift and change between us. Despite the earth shattering, oh-my-God-we-need-to-never-stop-doing-this-ever sex, I must have recognized my own feelings. He seemed okay with it and treated me like a friend. Till one night where I got this text that read "I thought I would have heard from you by now. I finished work, got home, wanted to hear you or even see you and nothing." So, I had no answer to that other than to say I've been busy.

So, the reality was...I missed him. I really missed Jay. I missed talking and flirting and teasing him. I missed the talks about comi-con and movies and comic books and tattoos. I missed hearing his voice. I missed seeing his eyes twinkle when he laughs. I missed him more than I realized. I felt so lonely. But I was honest with him and told him I want more. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship and apologized. So I asked for space. He gave me space. But I don't think the space is enough anymore. I can feel the difference he makes. I just want my friend back. I don't want the sexual tension that's only ever going to lead to sex now between us. I NEED more than that.

So, I am going to let go. I am going to keep moving forward. I have no idea how long this has been inside of my heart. I have no idea if I have been unfair to anyone else in my life, or that I have been in a relationship with, because there's a piece of me that he's claimed. I don't want it back lol But I'm a little disappointed in myself. I never really noticed how I felt about him at all. How deep those feelings actually go or have gone. All the times we hung out or talked or whatever...it was just so natural...so normal...it felt like being with a friend. A really close friend. It felt like I was home...

Yet, I am smart enough to know my own heart. Now that I am aware of what I feel, I won't be able to stand by and just continue as we are. It is not fair to me and it's not fair to him either. I can't force anything...except putting the distance I need to heal the hurt I felt at his gentle (but HONEST!) rejection. I'm just blown away by how I didn't even know I loved him like that...and that's the saddest part. I honestly didn't know. :(

Till next time...

                 xoxo1/2