Poetry Night - To Cage The Animal In Me & About Her Latest Lover

So, I am saving up all my stories for a HUGE blog entry next Sunday. Till then, I dug into my vault to look for something for you to read. It's old...but it is one of my most favorite poems I ever wrote. The other one is my second fave. Enjoy!

To Cage The Animal In Me

Naked, bare to the world,

all because I let myself be stripped.

The soul that has awakened in me,

is pissed.

Blood of my blood,

all that runs thru these veins

The Calling of the Blood,

from the graves of yesterday.

She has awakened,

all stare and bow down in wonder.

Been a long time in coming,

careful with her...

     she was sleeping for a reason.

She rules her world,

she knows nothing of right nor wrong.

Running purely on instinct,

only answering the soul of the song.

Someone has dared to awaken her,

the beautiful dreamer within.

Pity the fool that crosses her sights,

defiles the hollow ground of her ancestors.

Send her back to slumber..

for her to wake is to call her blood of her blood...

Magic older than you or I

awakens within her from sleep...

The seals have been broken...

say goodbye to the one you know

and welcome the destruction this one brings

in the time where everything is covered in snow.

Send her back from all control

let her fly free

But I digress my child...

 it is far to late now to cage the animal in me...

- Julia Polson

Dec 2nd/07

About Her Latest Lover  

His beautiful, expressive eyes close for sleep,

oh how his passion for me burned true 

He unlocked an entire world in me, 

I whisper gently “crafty bastard making me desire only you”  

You look so peaceful in your rest, 

corruption or temptation was my first intent. 

You bent me to your will, 

hours later my wanton desire is spent.  

Funny how I look at your angelic face, 

and think of something strong, constant and pure; 

odd that I wish to believe that this exists; 

Surprisingly how easily I fell into the ecstasy of your kiss.  

I could close my eyes and recall every touch, 

every time his hands sought fulfillment in me. 

Every time he whispered how he wanted to embed himself, 

to be more than just a memory.  

I can feel the pleasant ache of his presence inside of me, 

I can taste his flavor once more exploding on my tongue, 

Our sinful scents fill the air and you see, 

the body still quivering blissfully...  

His moans and urgings still fill my ears, 

this is no angel cuddled to my breast. 

Still, he is marvelously beautiful and otherworldly, 

this angelic masculine man that desires only me.  

You would have to be strong to keep me, 

I am not one for being tame. 

Ruthless, possessive, affectionate, compassionate, 

be careful that being with me is your aim.  

For I will not always bend to your will, 

I will not always be this forgiving of your manipulation. 

There is no rest for the wicked...

           and I so rarely sleep...  

– Julia Polson 

– March 16, 2010

Emotional Entry Day

So, I am writing this to you after having a good cry. I am really incapable of hiding my feelings well. A friend of mine is hurting because I couldn't love him. It is impossible for me to explain how sad it made me when he accused me of not loving him. Which is totally not true. I do love him very much...the problem is I am NOT in love with him.

When I think of Paul (let's call him that), I don't feel what I know I should be feeling if I was in love with someone. Paul brings a smile to my face and seeing him happy warms my heart...but he doesn't make my heart smile. He doesn't dominate my thoughts. He isn't who I want to build a life with. He isn't the person I need in order to be happy. I can be happy without Paul. I know the sun will continue to shine without him. It makes me sad to even say things like that but he's Paul and I am Julia. We are friends.

I think what hurts the most about this entire situation is that Paul was a great friend...and because I don't feel the same way he does...he's hurting. It really sucks to hurt someone you love because you can't love them in the way they need to be loved. It makes me sad because he really is a great, amazing person and I wish I could love him the way he loves me.

*Adult Themes* Romance...where art thou?

So, I always say I am not dating ever again and somehow I get roped into considering a date with some guy I just met. Of course that had to happen this past week. Although, I have yet to say yes, I also wonder what the hell ever happened to romance?! Is romance as dead as my childhood dream to watch a cow jump over the moon?! hahaha but in all seriousness what happened to romance, where did it go, and how can I get it back. So, let's look at the past first....before I say yes....

Of course, everyone of my friends remembers the year of my insanity. I was seeing this therapist and after FINALLY discussing all my past relationships and experiences (sexual and otherwise) we discovered I went a little off road on my love map. She recommended 6 months of celibacy - no dating, no sex, nothing! I really, really wanted to die at 3 weeks. Everything was phallic for the entire time. I think I seen a penis in everything. 0_0 I am positive there was this pen I had that even looked like a penis...till I chewed on the cap BWAHAHAHA!!! Anyways, I was celibate before so I knew I could do this. Around 3 months I noticed something, I changed how I viewed men.

My confession...I am a jerk. An asshole and I have said it before but I will say it again - I used men as much as they used me. Except I was an honest asshole and would straight up say "I am not looking for anything beyond this room. This is just a physical thing for me. I don't need you blowing up my phone as much as I don't need another hole in my head so...if we are clear...striptease for me.." hahahaha What?! I like to get the mess out of the way...but that is what my therapist was trying to point out. That I have a nasty habit of keeping my distance because of my infertility and the one guy who dumped me because I can't have kids. Not because he didn't love me or anything. But because I am "not going to meet his future needs" and he didn't see why he should limit himself just because I was defective. Anyways, this led to what my friends lovingly called "Julia's Man Eater" phase.

So, I kept my emotional distance by having all these pleasurable, salacious, oh-my-god I am hoarse from it all, sexual relationships. I preferred to call it "taking a lover". When I took a lover we went through what we both expected from this, what we wanted to get, our do and don'ts and the things we could handle (sleepovers was a no for me!) and the emotional distance we need to keep. What ended up happening was attachment issues...from them for me. I wasn't willing to try. I was scared. I was terrified of being emotionally vulnerable to anyone. Rob betrayed me. Adrian destroyed my self-esteem. Paul had me doubting my life choices but I am positive I went off road on my love map with Warren.

Warren was a wonderful man. I loved him. I made love with him. I had sex with him. I had sex with him and another guy. I held him as he cried and he held me when I was scared. I laid in bed with this man and talked about our hopes and dreams. We talked about our day. We tickled and play fought each other. We ate pancakes hahahaha We weren't in any sort of relationship either. We just were. It worked out that way. I accepted him as he was and he did the same. I loved him and that was enough for me. I knew he was never mine. I don't regret it. I will always enjoy the time we had together. I look back on it fondly. I am just positive that he was the last time I would open my entire heart because that was the last time I ever loved like that. hahaha Not to say I never loved Adrian, Paul or Rob. I really did. They just never ignited in me what Warren did. Warren was special. If I had to describe what Warren was to me...hmmm...he was hot summer rain on a sunny day. He was refreshing. Broken but he never asked me to be more than myself and I needed that then. Rob and his family made me feel less than human.

Either way, I took the best advice and the worst advice - to get over a man - get under a new one. You know, people just think because I am a big woman (overweight, large, obese, whatever you want to call it) that I don't have an active sex life or I don't groom myself. For example, this man once asked me in the pharmacy if the carpet matched the drapes (my hair was dyed pink) and I told him "Do I look bald?" and he shut up. BWAHAHAHA The rest of us just laughed. ...Anyways...back to what I was saying...So, this is what happened - I couldn't tell where my lust ended or where my love began. Cliche? Yes. The truth? Positive. Dumb? Pretty much. But the FEELS!!!

So, before I explain my random (apparently VERY random) yearning for romance, let me tell you about my lust. There is only one man in my life that ignites my lust just by say "hello" and even thinking of his voice, the promises of hours of pleasure in that simple word alone...okay...this would be the best way to describe what he is to me.

My god this man...even his texts make me feel wanton and leave me wanting more and more until there is nothing but some shell of burnt out desire lost in a haze till I literally...just sleep. The best sleeps are after...well...you know hahahaha He gave me so much confidence in myself. He is simply amazing but I respect his privacy and will not be naming him other than calling him Jay. Well, Jay would say things like "you drive me crazy" and "I love your body. You don't need to hide from me" and some other things that could make harlequin blush. Coming from a series of relationships where I felt like nothing to having someone want me, even if it was only physical, was something I needed at that time. We were very open with each other once I got past my shyness (okay, he still is so intense I feel shy at times hahaha) and from him I learned what lust really meant. I was able to distinguish how I can live without him and how it didn't hurt me when he was in a relationship with someone else after a couple of years. I was happy he found someone. Someone to meet more than the physical needs that I only wanted him to meet.

I wanna know what love is

So, I know what love is. I don't need Foreigner to start blasting into my ears singing about wanting to know what love is hahaha I know! I actually really do know what love is and yes, there has been heartache and pain but I'm good. I am willing to try - for the right man. I miss feeling that kind of love. To me, that kind of love is romance. It's feeling beautiful, desirable and wanting to treat your partner like they are the most precious person in your entire world...simply because they are. They are attractive even when they are being jerks or emotional. They make you want to hold them. They make you want to take care of them because you love them. That is romance. Romance isn't just butterflies. That's not to say I haven't had romance in the past hahaha

So, there was this guy named Jansen. Jansen was an amazing engineer, a brillant man, dedicated to the job and a hopeless romantic. I really wish things worked out between us but he was dedicated to the job, and despite how romantic he was (cavity inducing sweetness), he was only romantic when he messed up. Like missing a supper with his family and I was there without him. Not to say I didn't love all the ways he made it up to me....but I wanted someone here. Someone who could be HERE. I knew there was no way I could compete with his wife (the damn boats he builds are his wives!!!!) so I left. But not before that beautiful, saccharine man taught me things. Like how much I turn to gooey gushing melted mush when I get a full body massage while he is whispering to me all the things he adores about me (some of them even being my flaws!). Or when he would pick me a flower and tuck it into my ear and tell me that my smile puts flowers to shame. Or when he would recite poetry simply because he knew I love poetry. Not necessary romantic poetry either hahaha There was this time he read me everything about death that Emily Dickinson wrote hahahaha I learned romance was how he would hold my hand when we went somewhere together. Or how he would always find some way to touch me, whether it be my shoulder or arm. Or how he couldn't seem to pass by me without giving me a kiss and making me smile and giggle. If only he stopped doing work at home so much and if only his eyes didn't light up when he talked about working in Ireland with a new company...I might have stayed.

I learned well from the men I mentioned about love and lust but I got so much screwed up...I decided on taking a year of celibacy. So, no sex, no solo missions, nothing for an entire year. It was frustrating but freeing. I learned more about who I am as a person and what I want in a partner than anything before. I made choices, some not so smart, and entered into a relationship that we all know was doomed to failure but I just had to ride it out....like it was some kind of earthquake. I guess it was in a way because it turned into a disaster. I ended up learning who my real friends are, what I could forgive, that I was still capable of love, and that I can accept all of me. I love all of me. I love and romance myself regularly. I can have healthy sexual relationships again. Sure, I waited awhile after my last relationship disaster, and trust me - the word disaster does not even cover how badly that one was -, but I learned. I learned to tell when my lust ended and where my love began. HA! Fuckers need to make that into a song.

So, I am ready for a new emotionally healthy and stable, mentally sound, and honest man to come into my life. I am really willing to wait. I have no problems with waiting hahaha I don't have sex with everyone I date. But even if I did, who's business is that?! Seriously, they MADE A SONG ABOUT IT. Salt 'n' Pepa and it's aptly titled "None of your business" hahaha I know perfectly well that I would much rather falling asleep in the arms of someone I care for (and am learning to love), than not doing just that. Who wouldn't want to fall asleep with someone you can trust to be there in the morning and every morning thereafter? When I love, it is with everything inside of me, and I try to do everything possible so they know, feel, and can tell that they are treasured and cherished. Not just with material things but with little things like text messages just to say I miss you or thought of you or little notes in his wallet or making him coffee...or taking him golfing and he can laugh at how horrible I am at it HAHAHA That is romance...that is love...and THAT is what I am waiting for...

So, romance...

                                          where art thou???

Till next time... xoxo 1/2

Mama - Tomorrow I am going to pretend to be okay...

So, I told a lie today.I was asked if I was okay and I said yeah. I didn't even realize I did until he made me look at him and he said "No. You're not" and then I cried. Because I am not okay. I have been really lonesome lately for my Mama. I have been thinking so much about this woman and the day the Oncologist said she had small cell lung cancer. I remember the stricken look in her eyes, how tightly she gripped my hand, how I had tears in my eyes when I turned to her and said "Don't worry Mama. You won't ever be alone. I will be here every step of the way with you. I love you. I'm here." June the 15th 2005. Gods I miss her sooo much it hurts. I miss everything about that wonderful woman. There was always sunshine in her smile. I would give just about anything just to have her smile at me once more.

I have been crying a lot lately and no one has really noticed. Not because I am ashamed of my feelings and been hiding my tears but because it never occurred to me to cry out the way I miss her right now. Plus the tears tend to sneak up when I have a lull in my day and out of nowhere I smell lilacs and I think of her. I miss how well she knew my heart. I miss her so much that I can't breathe sometimes. I can only hope that she would be proud of me. That she would still stand by my side in every decision that I make. She knew me and loved me anyways.  There are so many things I want to share with her. So many hopes, and dreams and I miss her. I want her to share in my joys with me. I want her to share in my sorrows and make everything better by simply telling me “shaaaa Julianna...everything is going to be okay.” I never knew the power those words held until she was gone and there was no one to make things okay. I had to do it on my own.

When she left us, her family, it was like all the heart went out of us. It was like having no sunshine in your life, no bounce in your step, no direction, and no one to kick your ass back on track. Perhaps we are children because she kept us this way. It was from her that I knew what it meant to be strong...to have strength without being physically strong. To have reasons that keep you from madness and drowning in despair. She was my reed...the reed that's roots are deep in the mud, that doesn't break but bends in the unforgiving current and that is so much more or just as beautiful and magical as the trees lining the shore.

I am glad she knew me. She knew I love her like I love my own Mother. She knew she was my heart's treasure. She knew that she was home to me. She knew she was my rock. I never hid that from her. No matter how angry I got with her...she was always and will always be my first home. If I could have a moment with her I would want her smile, not her tears. I would want her glad grace and not her youth. I would want her weathered and worn hands than her young and supple ones. I would want her hair sprinkled with well earned wisdom than her dark locks of middle age. I would want her as I remember her best...smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter, and to feel her arms around me, holding me close to her heart. Impossible dreams sometimes hurt the most.  

There is no time limit for grief. Time does not diminish the wounds quickly. Time works slowly. Slowly the pain eases...and I can live in my happy memories of her. I can mention her without crying. I can smile and laugh at the things she said or did. I can make bannock and smile softy when I hear the words she used to tell me float to my mind “not too hard and not too long or its going to be tough Julianna...”. I grieve because she was worth losing. I grieve for her yet because I lost something. Can you even lose what was just on loan to you?

I am not as angry as I once was. Nor am I as cynical either. But today...today I have tears...tears because someone reminded me of the last time I was with her, the Doctor's visit that changed all of our lives, and how I still blame myself for not being worried sooner. If only I paid attention sooner...then I wouldn't be living in a memory but being with her..She would be here yet. But we all have someone we miss terribly. I knew what I had though. I knew I had her and I hate it sometimes when I realize I use the past tense. I hate the word "was" because it means she isn't. But I still love her.

I remember so clearly how hard it was that day...how much she tried to make jokes. I will never forget the nurses telling her "what you in for little lady?" and she said "I have lung cancer" and they said "I am so sorry" and Mama said "Oh that's okay. I always wanted to make a beautiful corpse" and we all laughed. I laughed because here was this beautiful, gorgeous, warm woman, trying to hold it together by laughing. I love her even more because I have the same habit too. I laugh to make it easier to deal with the pain. With the hurt...and because life really should just be laughter and tears.

But that night, in the privacy of the hotel room, when I was alone because she wanted to talk to my Aunt Deb alone...I cried. I broke down. I pleaded and begged with gods, demons, devils and spirits to take her cancer away. I needed her. She was home. How was I supposed to know how to live without her? After I stopped crying, had a cool shower, got dressed, had a cigarette (trust me, I know!) and a drink of coffee...I made a choice. I made a choice to be strong for the woman who was always strong for me. For the woman who comforted me when I was far away from home and dealing with the loss of my son. So, I promised myself that I wouldn't shed tears for her - in-front of her. I never cried alone in-front of her. We cried together over a lot of things...all the first she would miss with me. We cried about how we never thought it would be me being the strong one since I was usually the softest one. We cried over my loss and the promise she made me to watch over my son for me till I met them there. We cried over how much we love each other...we looked to the stars every night for one month and watched the sunrise every morning for a month.

I was there because she needed me to be there. I knew how scared she was and she confided a lot of things that are just between me, her and the nights we spent talking underneath the stars. I have no regrets. I did everything I possibly could to make her last summer the best it could be. I helped her as much as I could. I danced with her every day. Even when I knew it would hurt her a little, if she wanted to dance, we danced. I remember when she grabbed my hand and told me it hurts to hold my hand but she still wanted to hold my hand...and I remember how often I prayed for one more week, one more day, one more hour, one more minute...and then I got no more. 

On August 19th 2005 she died. She passed away and was never coming back. I would never hear her words of encouragement or scolding me for doing something reckless again. She would never again be the one I call up at 5 am for comfort because I was feeling a little lost. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry and hurting and there was so so much pain I felt crippled by it...but somehow I wrote a eulogy. I made it through those days of agonizing pain...Then I was sent back to school. My Mama knew my heart so much she knew I would want to stay but she wanted me to finish school...and I never did finish University...because the following year my relationship ended, I got sick and my Papa died the same month. Then I had my own abnormal cells to deal with...I just gave up on being happy.

I thought I would never be happy ever again. One of the poems I read in this book of poetry her and my Papa got me helped. I wanted to give up. This helped me...even if I cry, when I read this I remember all the things she would tell me about being strong. How she would tell me I had a strong heart. How she would tell me everything would be okay. How she, somehow, with just a hug, made it better because she was there. How she told me if she could do something - I could do it too. So, if she could live after losing her Mum at such a young age, then I could learn to do the same. Her will is like fire and everyone in this family carries that flame. This is what the heart of the young man said to the psalmist...

So, tomorrow I am going to pretend to be okay...because really...right now...I'm not. My Aunt is dying of lung cancer. I have already lost my Mama and mon Oncle to it. My other Aunt just fought off lung cancer. I feel like I have done nothing but lose those I love or come close to it. Then learn how to live with the pain of their absence in my every day life. Or the fear of cancer returning. Now, it's a little too coincidental for me that my Aunt would be told she only had some many weeks left just a week shy of when my Mama was told. So no. I am not okay. But I am here. I am strong. I live yet. I just don't know if I have it in me to pray for a miracle. Although I do believe miracles could happen. 

Or maybe the miracle is that we get people in our lives that are amazing and love us. People that see us, that believe in us and that want more for us. People that soothe us and that care for us. Maybe the real miracle is being able to bask in the feelings they shower us in while they live and when they leave...we have the memory of it etched forever in our hearts to call upon to soothe the tempest of grief in our souls. Memories are only as strong as the feelings attached to them...and my Mama's was unconditional love. I really, really miss her...

Doreen Stanger Polson

Lived for 64 years

Loved every single one of mine

To live and learn

So, I have been living on autopilot for too long. I basically just work, eat, work, more work, eat, read (or watch One Piece), shower, brush my teeth, sleep...rinse and repeat. It`s been so crazy busy hectic that I have lost track of time. Literally...lost track of time. Then because I lost track of time, I lost something. Which is why I realized that I need to break this routine because it hit home this time. I had to lose something in order for me to learn. But first...let`s rip my heart out.

So, I started talking with this guy. We both agreed no pressure, no pushing, no pulling and to be friends first. We both agreed to respect each other and not see our ex's in each other. Ya know, see me for me kinda deal. Well, that went to hell in a hand basket with a cute fluffy bow. What started out really great was actually not as great as I thought and I only get it now. Now when my feelings slapped me upside the head and told me "No Jules. No." He was say things like "Oh, my ex-girlfriend made me become this" and when I asked if he was pursuing engineering because he liked it...well...his response was "It's a good field and she said there are a lot of jobs out there." This was the beginning of the most horrendous fail I have had recently. As we are talking and getting to know each other, I didn't even realize how much his comparisons of me and his ex-girlfriend were actually hurting me. The most painful one, and my last straw, "How come you can't make it? My ex'girlfriend would have made time for that. I don't get why you can't be just a little like her" and then I realized my eyes teared. I had TEARS coming out of my eyes. Who the hell does that over coffee and who the hell says what he said?!

I received the message. I finally got it. He didn't want me, he wanted his ex-girlfriend. I spent waaaay too many years fighting tooth and nail to get where I am now...and yeah...I lost GROUND but I could fix that. Which led to me telling him "Umm...you know, it's kind of funny, but not really funny at all, that this whole time you have been saying to not judge you or compare you to other men. To look past skin colour and see you. How you wanted me to care for you as a person, as an individual...then you basically rip into me for not being someone else. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to know you as a person. But instead, you have done nothing but blame me or compare me to her and I seem to consistently come up short. You're a hypocrite and I don't even want to be your friend anymore. I see you. It's a shame you couldn't return the favour." Then I had the worst case of nerves possible. I ended up just leaving. I was gone. I hurt but you know what...this all happened because I'm not someone else...and I'm perfectly fine with that simple fact. :)

So, here I am. Sharing with you this piece of me. This piece that is tender right now. This piece of me that drives me crazy because it is madness to care so much about someone and then to realize they never saw you. I have a soft heart. It is soft and scarred and still beating. Still, I must be just as insane and everyone else out there in the world because I know I will put myself out there again. It is a perfectly natural desire to want someone to see you for you. To know you for you. To accept the good and the not so good and the stuff you are ashamed of and the bad. Love is madness mon amie. Sometimes, in madness, we leave a piece of ourselves there and I am pretty sure that today, I left to pick up the pieces of my scattered life. Because let's face it, I have been juggling this new budding relationship, my usual routine, my friends, family, other obligations and I am feeling just a little crazy (not the fun kind either!). So, now I am going to go back to trying to reaffirm my own sense of self. It wasn't only my heart that took a beating but my sense of self. When you are compared to someone all the time...it wears you out and then it wears you down. :(

So, really, what I lost was ground. By saying ground I mean, I would never normally let someone make those comparisons - REPEATEDLY. He shoved and I moved. I lost ground. I have no idea what I was thinking or how come I didn't let him know how much it bugged me in the first place. Pain is a catalyst my friends. It causes you to really look at what is going on and why you hurt. Or what hurt you. It moves you to action. Well...it moved me anyways hahaha Pain reminds me to hold onto whatever happiness I can find. It's like the bad stuff, pain, enhances the good stuff, joy, and makes it touch deeper inside...and fills me to the brim with warmth...because I know it is a fleeting thing...

So, to live. You live when the past is done. That is something I believe. I do my best to live now instead of then. I guess I forgot to remind myself that just because everything is different - it doesnt mean anything has changed. I will get my footing again...but for now...I am just going to take my time. I am going to smile. I am going to laugh. I am going to leave work and be present (in the moment!) instead of always being late or taking rainchecks. I am going to be silly. I am going to sing off key as much as I want. I am going to just be.

Till next time...