The Scary Parts of Living With No Regrets

This was me on Valentines day...

So, I didn't write a post about St. Valentine's day. Mainly because I was disappointed and hurt by this guy I really liked who ended up having to go travel four hours back home to visit with his Uncle who was visiting for ONE NIGHT ONLY. Still, I cried.  I was pretty bummed. I had plans I ended up cancelling a tour of this military thing I was positive he'd like since he's into that stuff. While I thought he was adorable, and I loved the way his eyes would crinkle when he smiled...and all his cute little freckles...I accepted the fact that I would not be spending my day with my lover but instead spending it with the lady from housekeeping who picked up on my sadness right away. I was supposed to go visit a friend of mine as well but she took her kids back home instead of sticking around. So I basically said fuck it. The housekeeping lady and I cheers-ed our chocolates together, I helped her make the bed, and she encouraged me to go out and enjoy myself anyways. So, I took a giant leap that night...

I went out on my own and had a blast. 

I had an amazing date with myself. I had such a great time. I got dressed. I put on some makeup. I had a few drinks before leaving the hotel room (yes! It was a SEXY TIME weekend and I was bummed enough to order high quality rum for ONE lol)...and I went out and had the best raspberry sherbet ever (go to The Raven and Republic if you are ever in North Bay, Ontario) to go with a yummy Georgia Peaches martini. I felt so great. I used to go out on my own but I haven't in awhile. I forgot how freeing it is to just be solo.

I enjoyed my time out and about. I enjoyed the friendly staff at the Holiday Inn Express & Suites who helped me pick a place without screaming half dressed people who would have just grated on my nerves with the whole *valley girl voice* "My favorite colour is pastel purple and silver!"The guy was so awesome. I forget your name but THANK YOU!!!! You definitely leveled up in karma points guy. Kudos to you!

So, I was hammered when I came back to the hotel. Laughing and Giggling. Thankfully, I was alone. hahaha I do recall speaking briefly with sexy Jay...and it was sexy...any call with a sexy, seductive male after midnight SHOULD ALWAYS BE SEXY!!! LOL Either way...I got an entire king sized bed to myself...and this was how I spent my morning...

Every woman should wake up, at least once, to the sound of some handsome man, with a sexy British Accent, saying "yeah....yeah...like that..." hahahaha :P In the fantasy theatre of my mind, it was said lower...hahaha But I had such a relaxing morning. I got a late check out. Took forever in the shower. Pampered myself. Then I finished packing up, did my makeup, and decided to go spend the rest of my afternoon shopping.

This is the look of a woman that decided to live with no regrets a long time ago. Yet, I forgot the scariest parts of living with no regrets is living honestly and truthfully - which in turn makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable to all THE FEELINGS!!! I was feeling soo many things...but I'm good now. I'm glad I recaptured that spark. I'm glad I could go from bummed to waking up to David Tennant LOL You get what I mean right?

Living without regrets is a scary thing. All scary things show us what we are made of though. Life is just simply too short and has no guarantees to live like a coward. To live in the shadows of what ifs, maybes and mired in doubts. Yeah it's scary to live being open to getting your dreams, hopes and everything trampled on but that's how you learn who is there to support you and who is there to drag you down (like the whole crab in the basket syndrome!). It is important to remember that everything is a catalyst though. My pain and disappointment was a catalyst for me to go outside of my comfort zone. To venture to a place I vaguely recalled. I was rewarded. I had fun. There are times where I do get burned but I like adventure ;) So in a way, I don't have time for stuff that ends. I live my life like its an adventure. My name is already in a book called forever. Im just living out the chapters. Because.....after all...

Till next time <3

The BDSM Sex Explanation Talk...Oh Boy...

So, today I have been repeatedly asked about my life prior to moving back home. What they were pussy footing around about was the lifestyle I got curious about - BDSM. Since I have already discussed this with people whenever they ask, I don't see why I can't explain the difference between what you know, what the media thinks it knows, what each person involved in the lifestyle knows and what Wikipedia and Google can tell you...The first rule of BDSM is IT'S A LIFESTYLE. It' also deserves respect as it is an expression of someone's sexuality. 

Well...it's a subculture with so many different ways of life. It's quite complex and it is important to realize that it's not as cut and dry to understand. The people involved in the lifestyle are no more different than you or I - they are still human. But, my knowledge in this respect is limited to the little I was exposed to, indulged in and experienced for myself. You'd really have to try it out and see what works for you - that's if it draws your interest.

I never thought I would have this conversation with the person I had it with today - my ex-fiance's new fiancee. Because who does that really? Who calls up their fiance's ex-fiancee to discuss what we did sexually in the past? I just had to burst her bubble and tell her "that really isn't any of your business" and then she had to throw me off balance by asking in respect to BDSM. It was an awkward conversation. The first thing I told her was "Why are you not asking him about this?" and her response was "He said to tell you the word 'Swordfish'" and that's when I promptly laughed....and laughed...and then laughed a lil more...before I got serious and said "So, you only know vanilla and have no prior experience in this but are willing to attempt it in order to satisfy that aspect of your man's needs?" and we went from there.

Before I go on, it is important that you understand this one thing - vanilla is just the standard. It is standard sex. Sex without paraphernalia. Traditional sex. It's why it's called vanilla. I've had vanilla...who hasn't had vanilla...but I always find myself leaning towards a bolder flavour.

Personally, I don't know how this is going to work between them. I wish them the best nevertheless. It worked well for us at the time because we were versatile. We understood the power dynamic and enjoyed ourselves. We had our mentors and we were the students. There are so many nuances to this that it just really can't be explained. Well, maybe it can but not by me. My Mentor was the embodiment of gratification...oh my *phew* He was very thorough in his instructions.

To make something clear here, not all activities are sexual. In reality, the act of dominance and submission is more than just a mask, a safe word, and spanking your partner. It is more than just a precursor to sex. For some, it is sex. For others, this is a tease, an artful tease that brings out the more primal side of their instincts. This is about engaging every aspect of who you are and what you want and doing the same for your partner. It is like seducing their mind - the mind is the most erogenous zone after all ;)

This is also NOTHING like abuse.

Now that we have covered that....

Let's face it though - anyone can pick up a paddle or use their hand and then suddenly say "I'm a Dom" or "I'm a Top". There is just so many differing nuances in this lifestyle, this aspect of sexuality, that is so hard to explain. I encourage you to read all you can about it. Figure it out if you are more a roleplay than a 'written contract' type of person. Because I have seen those contracts go down. That is another thing - Master/Slave contracts. I don't much about them myself as I only seen them being signed but my Mentor told me that it just formalizes what both parties want. They are both morally obligated to hold up the terms of the contract - they are not legally obligated too. Like I said, many many different ways or things happen within this lifestyle. I explore my sexuality and I still keep in contact with some of the people I was involved with at that time. They are still my friends and they are still people. What two (or more!) consenting adults do - really isn't my business. I'm just happy they are happy...oh...back to that bizzare call... :/

So, what she basically learned from me is how the power dynamics were between us. It's been years since I thought of my ex-fiance in that sense so I could speak freely about that aspect of our life. I also explained his stupid need for random object lessons. Regardless, she got her answers and I went about my day like nothing ever happened.  Now here I am...9:49 pm...trying to figure out how I can explain that it is possible to live this lifestyle without ever once having sex. Well, it is possible but I guess I will leave you to figure out how it is on your own.

I, admittedly, miss that aspect of my life. The part that loved to entice, tease, gloat, and celebrate my victories over my own base desires. It is a heady feeling...well...I can't tell you everything now hahaha I still think a part of me was changed by it though. After all...I am still waiting on someone worthy of my own total submission.

Confronting Harsh Cruelties - Arriving at Zero FINALLY!

So this week was shit. I got both barrels from family and friends. I have no idea what kind of karmic or cosmic blunder I did in this life (or one previous) but I obviously reaped something...ho-lah! It was a rough week full of tears, frustrations, realization and confronting harsh cruelties.

I always remember how hard it is to be kind - Right before I make the decision to either forgive, forget and move on or be blunt or let myself be pissed off. I have no patience for people who like to make themselves a victim repeatedly. Over and over and time and time again - it is ALWAYS someone else's fault. They blame other people for choices they made that led to them having something bad happen to them. Well ya know what, getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. You are literally risking your life right there. You don't think about it in such a way but you do. You could fall and break your neck, choke on lint (Terran! DEATH BY LINT!!! LOL Omg that's old hahaha) and die, or you could be hit by a drunk driver. Everything you do and what happens to you is a consequence of the decision you made to get out of bed. The second you were born you were on a time release.

So, harping about how your Sister is sick and her husband won't take care of her because he wants to work all the time...ya know what...that's your sister's life. She probably knows the story better. Better yet, if it bothers you so much, maybe you should go see her and discuss it with her or take care of her. Or you can sympathize with her. Just remember that everything you wouldn't do, is because you are relating it to your OWN EXPERIENCES! Maybe they really need the money because they are 2,000 away from a down payment on a house. All these crazy judgments - I don't need that shit in my life. No one deserves to be the reason why I should pity you. The real question is, what do you really expect from me when you always call me to tell me something catastrophic is happening to you (but really - it's not happening to you at all - your SISTER - not YOU!) on a daily basis?

I used to be one of those peoples. For example, I blamed my former best friend for sleeping with my former boyfriend. She should have been loyal to me because you don't do that to your friends. He should have never did that to me because he promised to tell me if he didn't want to be with me anymore. yada, yada, ya. He wasn't former at the time but I knew he was a cheater. I made a poor choice and my pride got in the way of me owning up to it. I blamed him for cheating on me (which is partially true - no man's penis has ever just 'fallen' into some woman's vagina). I blamed him for ruining my relationship with my best friend...and then I stopped myself. Because I said "wait a minute...she has a vagina...and is known for sleeping with her best friends boyfriends...and he's a big asshole who lives to lie and cheat....plus he's an opportunistic parasite..." and ladies and gentlemen we have 2 tramps for the price of 1! The biggest face palm ever. I stopped blaming them. I was expecting them to treat me like how I would treat them. I was too busy seeing them through my own experience and perceptions. They could have never treated me with the decency I would have treated them - because they are not me. (and thankfully I am not them!!)

It was like I asked for this perfect storm to happen. In reality I didn't but think about it this way...two known cheaters get together - one has a vagina and the other has a penis and they are both straight. They both have loose morals and no sense of loyalty. I look back and want to smack younger Jules in the head and say "Dumbass! You know what's going to happen and that's why you are hurting and pulling away already so just end this and save us the trouble of having to deal with them when they both go psycho." Now....they need to invent time travel because I would change this...I would have left his sorry ass and stopped being her friend the second I learned she had sex with another friend's boyfriend. This friend still doesn't know and I am not going to bust their bubble because they don't care anymore so...I just warned them to be careful and that was that. Still, my own sense of pride and loyalty got in the way. I am loyal to a fault. I defended them both even after it was all said and done. Regardless of that, I own up to my part in it. I was complacent. That was my mistake. But that's also what experience is for right?

There are times when shit isn't your fault - like a car collision because of icy roads. Or when someone passes away...ya know...use some common sense to figure that stuff out. Either way, I reached the end of my rope this past week. There was just too much of everything going on. too much blaming, shoulding, why didn't you, drama, chaos, etc. I was hurting. All of my concerns were being brushed aside. I just snapped. Literally can pinpoint the second when I snapped. It was over cross contamination (this was being explained for the 1001 time) and everyone just glossed over it. Brushed it off like it didn't matter - which felt like they were saying I don't matter. I snapped. It was the straw that broke the camels back basically. I realized, just because everything is different, doesn't mean some things have changed. The just didn't want to learn.

I still was going through this victim cycle. But no more. I slapped on my big girl make up, dressed for work, and literally kicked ass all week. My attitude towards every man that treated me as less-than because I am a woman this week, basically screamed "Just because I have breasts and a vagina doesn't make me any less of a threat to you. A penis and some testicles does not make you more threatening inside a boardroom. They don't make you worth more than me!!" For those who called me arrogant I simply stated "No sweetie. Arrogance, at it's most basic, is undeserved pride. I worked hard to get where I am in life. My pride is wholly deserved and well earned." I just literally broke through my own barriers and here I am...I haven't met this side of myself in years. Since 2009 when I was definitely more hard and only showed my softer side to those closest to me.

So, here I am. A few "friends" are out of my life now. I have nothing to say for the man I was actually interested in. He pretty much ignored me for three weeks (a few messages after I messaged him does not count as showing interest) and I am not going to give anymore chances. If you think I am so worthy, then put in some effort. I put in effort and now I'm just done. I'm done trying to meet people half way. I'm literally exhausted. What more can I do?! Those friends weren't real friends. I'm not going to make the same mistake and giving my loyalty to someone when they obviously cannot give me theirs.  That guy - I'm simply not investing in something that is one sided.

and I confronted those harsh cruelties. I confronted the cruelties of betrayed trust, misplaced loyalty and the faults in myself. I bravely faced myself. I wanted to beat myself up. But I decided to not do any of that. I want  a fresh start. So, here I am. Deactivated my FB. Deleted a ton of numbers in my phone. Deleted phone numbers in my cell. Deleted email addresses. Got rid of this and that and here I am. Zero. I have reset myself back to zero. Old habits die hard. Tenacious habits and times were you want to do something simply because you are so accustomed to it. Now, I'm back at zero. Trying to learn new habits. It's a conscious decision. Old habits may die hard but the important part is that they die. It may take weeks, months or years, but they will die. I am tenacious too.