Grown Up?!

Grown up?!

So, I did something I don't normally due when deadlines are fast approaching and I am swamped with work - I slipped over to daydream land. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how I tend to let my own emotions run me over or run me ragged. Waffling between impulse and restraint can be maddening and yet...I'll probably keep doing it because I only have now - I am still growing.

I am still growing up. Once upon a time I thought I would be done growing up when I was 18. Then I thought I would be settled into life by the time I finished all of my post-secondary studies. Then I thought it would be when Rob and I settled down...and then it was when I got better. Now here I am. I'm 31 and I still have no idea when I am finally going to be a grown up hahahaha :P I past my initial idea of growing up and realized a lot time ago that I would keep growing. Not just horizontal *LOL* Let's leave my waistline out of my growing please and thank you. 

Still, growing is not an easy thing. I hate how I can literally feel my stomach clench right after my soul does when I face a truth about myself - I thought I wouldn't have to deal with. I know I'm not always the nicest human. There are times I can be a pretty lousy person, can insult someone I don't know just because I am in pain or irritated by something they did, I need to work on my patience, and I'm actually a big grouch. This is just how I am. I don't realize how my voice sounds all of the time but there are times where I sound harsh but I don't mean to be. I have entered the "I am aware" stage of this. All I can ask is that people have patience with me while I move through this. Also, just because I face these things, things I really really REALLY am not comfortable with, does not mean I am a good person or a bad person. Good and Bad is subjective. I am just a person. 

This was something that occurred to me after having discussed my blog with a friend of mine. She asked why I never write about how generous I am or how kind or helpful I can be. To be honest I never thought to write about those things because I don't consider those instances extraordinary. That is just an aspect of who I am. That is a part of me I utilize like I would my eyes or my hands. They are there, I do things with them, but I don't make note of every single thing. It's weird. Well, to me it is weird hahaha So, I am kind at times...But you'd have to ask my friends and family about it. I just see it as being human. 

Now that I am done making myself feel uncomfortable...

Maybe that is what growing up really is all about - being uncomfortable. hahaha no no no LOL But seriously now, it probably is a bit about being uncomfortable and then finding our why you are feeling that way. I find that being uncomfortable helped me realize that I am still growing up. My notions, that I was so certain of last year, things I thought I knew about people, are changing as I grow. It's disorienting and a little terrifying to constantly have my notions flipped upside down, shaken, then tossed to the ground - now I get to put them in some semblance of order (because I don't like messes!!!!!). 

So, I guess most people feel confused, disoriented and off-kilter on/off during their entire lives are the ones I want to know. They must be in my life since I seem to know a lot of people that are going through things like this or have realized it and were probably waiting for me to get a damn clue...bastards...LOL So, I am kind and the people I tend to surround myself with are just as kind. Most people worth knowing are kind. They are the ones who are good at heart, beneath gruff exteriors and false bravado, they are still the ones who, even if humanity tends to look down upon itself, do their best to give a little love and kindness back to the world. They may not do it in a big flashy way but they do it. What more can you ask for? I'm just gonna keep on growing up :)

As for being a grown up...

hahahhaha I wouldn't hold my breath...

Be my happy thought ;) hahahahha till next time mes amie! xoxox