This was my smile in 2013...
See the difference between those two smiles...now watch this...
This is my smile in 2015...
That is the face of someone who is happy with their-self and where they are in life <3
Okay...so I am no model nor am I chubby nor am I a big beautiful woman. I would fall in the percentile of women who are labelled as SBBW which is basically "Super Big Beautiful Woman". There. I said it. Do I have a problem with how I am? Nope. Am I ashamed? Nope. Do I feel ashamed of my body? Not particularly. At one point in time, that answer used to be a straight up HELL NO! I'M WORTH IT!! Now it's just a simple...but slightly insecure, "not particularly". Why is that? Why am I suddenly suffering from shaking self-esteem? Well, because like many people in relationships before me, I didn't realize I was allowing myself to be used and devalued. I let that happen. I got the lines so blurred between acceptance, forgiveness and excuses...well...I messed up.
Shit happens. Life goes on. Ya-da ya-da ya. End of story.
But in my universe, the story never ends, it just changes. There are always chapters to live out or write out. Sometimes you just gotta improvise. For a long time I did things I wasn't proud of at all. Simply because I felt like shit. I really did. I let my past relationship failures erode away the side of me that didn't shy away from anything...and for the past 2 years I have been struggling to regain it. Regardless of who I was with, who I dated, who I cracked in the head, etc. My journey has been about me. My friends and family may have helped me rediscover things about myself but I am my own person. They may have helped me, but the strength to get up and keep going - that's all me honey. ALL ME.
So, here I am, beginning to actually change the way I run my personal life. It's been nerve racking. I stopped being so available to all the men in my life. It's been a lil crazy how I'm always the one travelling or re-arranging my life for them. Every relationship I've ever been in...I've always been the one willing to do this. I have no idea what that says about me...but my Aunty says "It makes you a push-over." The hopeless romantic Aunty says "I think you do whatever you can for the ones you love." and here's me...thinking...but 'why does no one ever do this for me?' You know what. I'M WORTH IT!! I'm worth a bit of time out of there day when I need them. I do the same for them. I'm worth the effort it takes to pick up a phone (even if it's just to say hello). I am worth working out a schedule for travel (if need be). I, literally, had my palms sweat when I was deleting numbers and telling people that they needed to stay out of my life. It was a HUGE change from "you can walk all over me - I dont mind" to "Get your shit and get out!!"
But, like a complete idiot, I let someone else's opinion of me, determine how I saw myself for a long time. I brushed aside every time they hurt me. OR when I confronted them and they shouted, I ended up getting confused because they were more upset than I was. I let their feeling take precedence. I let my past partners take me for granted. That's all on me. I didn't even notice they were eroding me. It is my fault. I should have acknowledged all the lies I was told. All the times I knew they weren't being completely honest. But I was too busy being willfully ignorant. I created this mess and I didn't see it till I made them leave my life...and my sense of self-worth paid for my errors in judgement.
So, I had 2 years to rediscover all of the facets about me I forgot I even liked hahaha I forgot I liked to adventure as often as I did. It slipped my mind completely that I liked to be extravagant with myself when it comes to travelling alone. So, I took some time to myself. Away from everybody and everything...Being by yourself for an extended period of time, is an amazing and agonizing way to be honest with yourself and learn about yourself. I realized one thing which lead to me...well...I wondered why I wasn't actively taking a part of life. I remember asking myself and contemplating the following:
Am I not taking part because I don't know how, or because I don't want to? How hard could it be to pick up the threads of my life and tread the expected path? I could finish my schooling, find a job, help out at home - it wasn't an interesting prospect, but it was far from impossible. I could do it. I could try to go back to normal. Pull myself together. The tattered pieces of my heart and self-esteem would mend in time. I know I am more than I have ever given myself credit for and now is the time to prove this to myself. So...what's stopping me?
I slowly understood that everything that happened in my life during that timeframe (deaths in my family, deaths of friends, marriages, weddings, births, cancer in the family, losing friends to cancer, stressful job, getting sick, ALL scare, etc) it changed me. Those changes were soul-deep. I was trying to cope and adapt in a way that USED to work for me...but I didn't know the me I was now. I wasn't familiar with the guarded and wary person staring back at me in the mirror. As trite and cliche as that sounds...it's a scary feeling. I really didn't want to leave everything behind in order to fit in with the rest of the world around me. I can adapt but I forgot how. I got stuck.
In the end, Jay, my handsome, sexy, alluringly seductive, could seduce a nun out of her clothing, Jay...ummm...where was I going with this? Oh yeah...Jay reminded me of all the things that made me Julia. He's a man that's seen me all blotchy from crying. Seen me freaking out because I was losing my hair (thank you morphine, presidone and azathioprine!) and all the antibiotics I was on...he's seen me like that. When people want me to get rid of him...I really can't bring myself to do it. Sure, our relationship had always been mainly sexual. Really sexual. Mmmm...sinfully, deliciously pleasurable. hahahaha ;) Still, Jay was my friend first. We never interfered in each others life when the other was in a relationship. We always supported each other. We keep each others secrets. While I harbored feelings for him (for a very long time)...I knew he didn't return them in the way my heart wanted him too. I got over it, Still...he reminded me that I enjoyed everything in my life - right to the point where it was sensual and you could tell I was well pleased hahahaha :D He used to love watching me eat an orange which was weird. I still don't get it hahaha but he's right. I took my pleasure out of life and it loved me for it. So, I started to take the first steps into rebuilding me...I had my very own picnic hahaha!!! Seriously...I really did.
There were times where my low opinion of myself - got to me. Then one day I did the craziest thing possible...I asked my best friend to take a picture of me, in my bra and panties. I did. I'd post it here but...I'm pretty sure you don't want to see that LOL Despite the crazy look on my face...I was nervous as fack but I got something I thought I lost back - my confidence. Julia 2.0 upgraded to Julia 5.0 and I liked the 5.0 model <3 She fit me just right :D
My self worth took a wicked hit though. I bounced back. My life, it's getting back there. I'm back to zero now. FINALLY back to zero. I've reached the first milestone of a billion other ones to come hahaha I'm learning to take things as they come and trust people again. I'm scared to but I am willing to try. I'm terrified of attachments and voicing my feelings because they could be used against me. Right now, I don't want to get attached but...what I want, and the path I walk, they never agree hahaha so I guess I'll just be a champ ;)
I got this! :D
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