Reached a New Level of Rage...MY RANT!!!!

So, today I had a shit day. Seriously, I had a minor fantasy (not calling this a daydream) about slapping all the idiots I have to deal with in my life. Slapping them upside the head, hard enough, that they feel the sting of their idiocy later on. Maybe slapping some sense into their skulls so what I am saying can penetrate their brains.

I have never been so irritated in my life. People can be scary and immature with their rumour mongering and drama causing psychosis. How disturbing is this scenario...say something happens to you and it leads to someone calling you up and shouting at you (with no REAL basis) about something THEY HEARD. When it happened to you - NOT THEM - but you. Then it escalates to epic portions which flow into all aspects of your life. I felt miserable when I had a bunch of people discussing aspects of my life, they are not privy too.

But somehow...what happened to you is because of them...meanwhile..they WEREN'T THERE! 

Once again, I have had to have this talk with the people in my life. My life is my own. I live it in a way that does not negatively effect anyone around me. I pay my bills. I contribute to today's society in a constructive manner. I help my family out as much as I can. I don't drive right now because I'm scared I might have a random episode of vertigo (which happened earlier today when I was stressed out **whoa! Maybe a correlation?!*). I keep the family heirloom I was given locked away in a safety deposit box because I'm not an idiot. It's sentimental value is worth more to my family than it's actually worth. I have a small circle of people (that's just gotten a lot smaller now) that I can call about anything and everything. I call those people my TRUE FRIENDS.

Those people are the people I chose to have in my life. So what if one of them has a history of drug abuse or the other has a criminal record a gangster would be proud of?! That's their past. That isn't who they are now. People always say they hate being judged but are always so ready to judge...ARGH!!!  My little universe may be small on the outside...but everyone inside of my life has the freedom to do as they please and they are loved - by simply being themselves. Individuals who have to victimize themselves, or blame other people for choices they made and then judge them or get mad at them for not stopping...oh my goodness gracious...it makes me all confuzzled!

Look...I honestly don't believe it is healthy to treat people the way some people do. In order to have a healthy relationship with anyone, you gotta have a solid one with yourself. Sure, sometimes you need someone to re-teach you all the wonderful things they know to be true about you...because some other person tried to take that away from you. At the end of the day, you are your own person. People may help you up and help you through things but the strength to keep moving past it and keep going - THAT'S ALL YOU! Some people may call me arrogant behind my back, along with some other things, but ya know what? Meh. I know I'm not arrogant. Arrogance is undeserved pride. I worked my ass off to take pride in anything I do.

There was a time where I didn't think I was worth much. We all have a past though. Hell! If you hit puberty...you got baggage babe. It happens. It's just an immutable fact of life. Get over it. Quit mulling over the if's. Nothing good ever came out of "what if's" except doubts. What's disturbing...is people who hold grudges. Years could pass by and they would be laying in wait. I think of it like this - that person is letting someone else have entire control over their life. They are waiting for them. In the back of their mind, the person they want to get revenge on - is always there. How does that not disturb anyone?

In the end...haters gonna hate I guess...

So...

You are just giving me control over your life. Thanks! Now onward my minions!

Returning from Julia 2.0

 This was my smile in 2011...

This was my smile in 2013...

See the difference between those two smiles...now watch this...

This is my smile in 2015...

That is the face of someone who is happy with their-self and where they are in life <3

Okay...so I am no model nor am I chubby nor am I a big beautiful woman. I would fall in the percentile of women who are labelled as SBBW which is basically "Super Big Beautiful Woman". There. I said it. Do I have a problem with how I am? Nope. Am I ashamed? Nope. Do I feel ashamed of my body? Not particularly. At one point in time, that answer used to be a straight up HELL NO! I'M WORTH IT!! Now it's just a simple...but slightly insecure, "not particularly". Why is that? Why am I suddenly suffering from shaking self-esteem? Well, because like many people in relationships before me, I didn't realize I was allowing myself to be used and devalued. I let that happen. I got the lines so blurred between acceptance, forgiveness and excuses...well...I messed up.

Shit happens. Life goes on. Ya-da ya-da ya. End of story.

But in my universe, the story never ends, it just changes. There are always chapters to live out or write out. Sometimes you just gotta improvise. For a long time I did things I wasn't proud of at all. Simply because I felt like shit. I really did. I let my past relationship failures erode away the side of me that didn't shy away from anything...and for the past 2 years I have been struggling to regain it. Regardless of who I was with, who I dated, who I cracked in the head, etc. My journey has been about me. My friends and family may have helped me rediscover things about myself but I am my own person. They may have helped me, but the strength to get up and keep going - that's all me honey. ALL ME.

So, here I am, beginning to actually change the way I run my personal life. It's been nerve racking. I stopped being so available to all the men in my life. It's been a lil crazy how I'm always the one travelling or re-arranging my life for them. Every relationship I've ever been in...I've always been the one willing to do this. I have no idea what that says about me...but my Aunty says "It makes you a push-over." The hopeless romantic Aunty says "I think you do whatever you can for the ones you love." and here's me...thinking...but 'why does no one ever do this for me?' You know what. I'M WORTH IT!! I'm worth a bit of time out of there day when I need them. I do the same for them. I'm worth the effort it takes to pick up a phone (even if it's just to say hello). I am worth working out a schedule for travel (if need be). I, literally, had my palms sweat when I was deleting numbers and telling people that they needed to stay out of my life. It was a HUGE change from "you can walk all over me - I dont mind" to "Get your shit and get out!!"

But, like a complete idiot, I let someone else's opinion of me, determine how I saw myself for a long time. I brushed aside every time they hurt me. OR when I confronted them and they shouted, I ended up getting confused because they were more upset than I was. I let their feeling take precedence. I let my past partners take me for granted. That's all on me. I didn't even notice they were eroding me. It is my fault. I should have acknowledged all the lies I was told. All the times I knew they weren't being completely honest. But I was too busy being willfully ignorant. I created this mess and I didn't see it till I made them leave my life...and my sense of self-worth paid for my errors in judgement.

So, I had 2 years to rediscover all of the facets about me I forgot I even liked hahaha I forgot I liked to adventure as often as I did. It slipped my mind completely that I liked to be extravagant with myself when it comes to travelling alone. So, I took some time to myself. Away from everybody and everything...Being by yourself for an extended period of time, is an amazing and agonizing way to be honest with yourself and learn about yourself. I realized one thing which lead to me...well...I wondered why I wasn't actively taking a part of life. I remember asking myself and contemplating the following:

Am I not taking part because I don't know how, or because I don't want to? How hard could it be to pick up the threads of my life and tread the expected path? I could finish my schooling, find a job, help out at home - it wasn't an interesting prospect, but it was far from impossible. I could do it. I could try to go back to normal. Pull myself together. The tattered pieces of my heart and self-esteem would mend in time. I know I am more than I have ever given myself credit for and now is the time to prove this to myself. So...what's stopping me? 

I slowly understood that everything that happened in my life during that timeframe (deaths in my family, deaths of friends, marriages, weddings, births, cancer in the family, losing friends to cancer, stressful job, getting sick, ALL scare, etc) it changed me. Those changes were soul-deep. I was trying to cope and adapt in a way that USED to work for me...but I didn't know the me I was now. I wasn't familiar with the guarded and wary person staring back at me in the mirror. As trite and cliche as that sounds...it's a scary feeling. I really didn't want to leave everything behind in order to fit in with the rest of the world around me. I can adapt but I forgot how. I got stuck.

In the end, Jay, my handsome, sexy, alluringly seductive, could seduce a nun out of her clothing, Jay...ummm...where was I going with this? Oh yeah...Jay reminded me of all the things that made me Julia. He's a man that's seen me all blotchy from crying. Seen me freaking out because I was losing my hair (thank you morphine, presidone and azathioprine!) and all the antibiotics I was on...he's seen me like that. When people want me to get rid of him...I really can't bring myself to do it. Sure, our relationship had always been mainly sexual. Really sexual. Mmmm...sinfully, deliciously pleasurable. hahahaha ;) Still, Jay was my friend first. We never interfered in each others life when the other was in a relationship. We always supported each other. We keep each others secrets. While I harbored feelings for him (for a very long time)...I knew he didn't return them in the way my heart wanted him too. I got over it, Still...he reminded me that I enjoyed everything in my life - right to the point where it was sensual and you could tell I was well pleased hahahaha :D He used to love watching me eat an orange which was weird. I still don't get it hahaha but he's right. I took my pleasure out of life and it loved me for it. So, I started to take the first steps into rebuilding me...I had my very own picnic hahaha!!! Seriously...I really did.

There were times where my low opinion of myself - got to me. Then one day I did the craziest thing possible...I asked my best friend to take a picture of me, in my bra and panties. I did. I'd post it here but...I'm pretty sure you don't want to see that LOL Despite the crazy look on my face...I was nervous as fack but I got something I thought I lost back - my confidence. Julia 2.0 upgraded to Julia 5.0 and I liked the 5.0 model <3 She fit me just right :D

My self worth took a wicked hit though. I bounced back. My life, it's getting back there. I'm back to zero now. FINALLY  back to zero. I've reached the first milestone of a billion other ones to come hahaha I'm learning to take things as they come and trust people again. I'm scared to but I am willing to try. I'm terrified of attachments and voicing my feelings because they could be used against me. Right now, I don't want to get attached but...what I want, and the path I walk, they never agree hahaha so I guess I'll just be a champ ;)

I got this! :D

Oh the things I've asked my Doctor...

So, first and foremost...sorry! I totally forgot my password and then I got busy with work and blah blah blah...life happened. Life literally happened. hahaha There's so much to say but let me tell you about the biggest parts first hmm? :)

Do you ever just wonder about things sometimes? I've been repeatedly told I am weird, strange, out-there, crazy, etc. Still, I have a wide variety of people in my life that enjoy me as I am so I don't take what they way in a negative way. Better to be myself (as different as I am) than to try to be someone else. So...I ask questions, get answers (most of the time) and, occasionally, make people shy because of the questions I ask.

Here goes. I have celiacs disease. It means that I have to live a gluten free lifestyle for the rest of my life in order to live a healthy life. Admittedly, I have moments of weakness where I eat something glutinous AND later on...hate myself and damn myself for my weakness (it's always one of the foods or desserts I haven't converted to a reliable gluten free recipe yet). Either way, it occurred to me when I was contemplating all the stuff I needed to buy in order to avoid cross contamination (I've actually never bought a toaster!!) that I could get cross contamination from any number of things...including PEOPLE!!

Think about it for a second...I have celiacs disease. Any miniscule for of gluten is going to throw my immune system into overdrive. The itchy, leaky gut (some doctor's give really gross descriptions!), the cramping, heavy periods, etc. Here...this is my life when I eat gluten...and if I continued to eat it.

So, I have been experiencing a high level of cross contamination since I moved back home...which sucks. It hurts. I would love to move out and get back to everything being gluten free and Julia friendly. This would be a good thing. With that in mind, I have been looking into houses because I need to be sure this time. I'm not doing the roommate thing again. I'm totally soured on roommates. Either way, I know I have damaged by body by not following my diet. So I explained this to my doctor. Explained the current situation and she basically scolded me. I felt small but still maintained by position. The housing shortage is ridiculous here!! You wouldn't think so...but it is. Anyways...I had questions. Because if I could get cross contaminated by sharing a spoon with someone who ate toast...then how else could I be cross contaminated?!

Sooo..I asked my doctor a few questions. Some of them I will NEVER write here. But these two are embarassing and funny so I'm going to share them hahahahahahaha!!!! So, since I have had sexual relationships with men and women in the past, I asked my doctor if sexual secretions contained gluten? 

That's right! I basically asked my Doctor if sperm or cum had any gluten in it? I have a sound basis for asking this I swear!!!! 

You are what you eat. 

If I could potentially be cross contaminated just kissing someone (yes, this was the first question I asked the Doctor), and if the person I'm with ate pasta for supper, and we got jiggy with it, would I cross contaminate myself by ingesting their secretions? It's a perfectly valid question! I can just imagine the head shakes of my parents, who I am hoping do not read this EVER - but I have horrible luck lol

Either way, the Doctor told me that kissing someone who just ate, did not brush and floss, wear lipstick that contains gluten or uses toothpaste with gluten...I might have a reaction. But the other Doctor I have to see about my malabsorption syndrome said that it depends on my sensitivity and to not let it get in the way of leading a full life. Although she recommends that I don't simply because she knows I will hahahahaha!!! She knows me too well. So there is no real set answer....it's basically..at your own risk. 

Now for the semen and vaginal secretions portion of my question they both said... 

and it was the same for vaginal secretions. Breast Milk has gluten though. I didn't ask about the breast milk, that information was given freely. Just so you know...lol

Have a good one!

I don't make resolutions...I make plans...

So, every year I make a list of things to do. I spend time marking things down as the year goes on, that I would like to experience in the following year...like festivals or art shows or picnics in this area or region during a specific time frame. I don't make resolutions. Resolutions to me sound just a lil too much like work. What I do enjoy doing are things that excite me, enrich me, provide me with food for thought or soothe my soul. This years list is a ton of stuff I want to do OUTSIDE. My list gets larger each year because of my age. I am determined to have life in my years. I just always believed that life should be an adventure but a fun one. It's really up to you how you define your life.

This years list was things I thought to remind myself to do this year...and a ton of new things that just make me itchy writing it hahaha Admittedly, I already really do feel itchy just thinking about the bug bites and how my body is going to be drunk off deet for months after the big bad bug season ends....nevertheless, here is my list for 2015:

1) Get a telescope to spend an entire night star gazing with someone who is interested in it;
2) Sleep underneath the stars (I'm itchy just writing that);
3) Rent a pontoon boat for the day and take my family on an adventure;
4) Dance naked underneath the full moon (y'all won't see me do this hahahaha);
5) Go to a Blues festival;
6) Go somewhere based on whatever destination people write down, put those pieces of paper in a hat and whatever I pick is where I go;
7) Fall in love;
8) Buy a bird watching book, some binoculars, and start bird watching (drag someone into it with me);
9) Buy a fishing rod and learn to cast like a pro (or at least not like a total amateur lol);
10) Re-learn how to salsa (it's been waaay too many years);
11) Rent a cottage out of town that is close to places with hiking trails and a lake (because I love swimming);
12) Walk the hiking trails around where I live;
13) Paint a mural on a wall;
14) Dedicate a weekend to just random acts of spontaneous kindness near and far;
15) Practice singing and dancing in the rain;
16) Do something that celebrates my inner child (finger painting comes to mind);
17) Write some lusty based on a true story...well...story about a man that is 6 years my junior and how I drown in the way he worships every inch of my body;
18) Get a new tattoo;
19) Spend more time around fires and laughing with good people;
20) Find a reason to celebrate life (if not everyday, then at least once a week);
21) Take my Mum to a spa;
22) Spend 120 on fireworks each pay for two months and then light those suckers up;
23) Plant a tree in memory of my unborn son <3 ;
24) Learn to play a sport (even if I suck at it hahaha);
25) Learn to back-up and drive without breaking the sound barrier (this is such a big deal with me);
26) Have a picnic in 5 different botanical gardens;
27) Be a model for a photographer (even if it's nude);
28) Learn the lyrics to a song in a foreign language and sing it like it was my first language;
29) Go to a drive-in movie theater or get a projector and make my own hahahaha;
30) Snowshoe (need snowshoes!);
31) Have a year forgetting party;

and one more for good luck...

32) Have fun.