Disabled or Capable - You decide

 I have been dealing with a lot of craziness lately in my own little section of my world. From going through all my documents and noting everything that happened/or didn't happen has been exhausting. I feel like it's just made me feel more discouraged about my future at times. Coming across the info I received on Essential Tremors and it's slow progression with the 4xs more likely to turn into Parkinson's and/or Alzheimers or Dementia, then the loss of my ability to make NEW short term memories, the reminders in all my notes that I have "episodic memory" and that's why I can't seem to make new memories, or why my ability to communicate clearly is always messing up...it's hard to feel like the future is bright. In all honesty, this afternoon, I broke down and cried into my arms at my table. I've been fighting for months to get my prescriptions covered and the SAAQ keeps saying there's no evidence that it's related to my car accident and NOT my workplace accident and the CNESST won't release anything because I'm on disability through work. Then being told that my court case can't move forward because of a ruling from the Supreme Court of Canada re:the saaq and disabilities. I am just trying so hard to find a happy moment. So, tonight I focused on planning the wedding I was supposed to have on December 19th 2019. I made a nice supper for me and my household because it makes me happy to cook for those I love most. I pampered me and my daughter who are recovering from covid 19 - shook like hell but I managed to paint her nails like I used too. Used a bunch of nail polish remover lol but they look nice now 😂😂 Still, I've been trying to focus elsewhere because I am still struggling to accept the diagnosis I received last year and this year. It's not an easy thing to accept that you worked all your goddamn life to be self-sufficient, get off medication and be able to do things on your own - it's all gone now. I'll never be who I can vaguely remember before. I won't be as happy go lucky as I remember being. I probably won't ever be able to function and work the way I could before because multitasking endurance has been sliced down to 15% MAYBE that much...might be less. Yet, I'm slowly learning to be this new person. This person with limits. This person who gets cuts because I still can't always feel my fingers or the message from my brain to my hand/fingers don't travel fast enough anymore. This person that goes up and down the stairs like I'm a senior citizen but that's because my brain can't understand how to go down the stairs or up them like I used too. This person who has to double check what she's doing at the moment that requires me to TRY to remember what I did 10 minutes ago. This person who is still learning, on her own, because I don't really have anybody here in my house to help me figure out ways to manage my house, on my own. This person who has to learn how to live again. It's been hard. Completely disabled- it can eat at you when the resources you need have been denied you or are super hard to find. I keep trying though. To be a better person. To be less gloom and doom. The most vivid memories are the ones with strong emotions attached and I remember every time I felt truly happy and every time I cried out of despair or frustration - both times I've been judged on my emotions. Still, I am still here. A Doctor told me I NEED to stop thinking of disabled and replace it as capable but it's so fucking goddamn hard at times. So please, if you can't handle me as I am right now, with my shaky inability to manage my emotions, to remember, to be as active as I was before - you can leave my life. Just leave

 I really don't need someone in my life reminding me of my inabilities. I NEED people to remind me of what I am still capable of. That's what I need. Thank you ❤

How to let go...

 So, it's 1:06 am and I finally have a moment to myself to collect my thoughts. Not like I can collect them since they are all jumbled and misplaced and disordered -_- Like my goddamn unpacking lol Shit is everywhere and I can't find what I'm looking for but hell if what I just found doesn't distract me from what I was looking for hahahaha Actually, what was I looking for?

This week has been harder than hard. Which is saying a lot for a woman who got up 12 hrs after surviving a car accident that should have killed her - so yup. It's been a hard week. Then add on my inability to recall new memories or make new memories (like every day things such as remembering what I ate or what I was supposed to do today) and then add on my other stressors and yup. I am not sure I'll be functional for the holidays but damned if I'm not gonna give it my all - Backbone, not a wishbone over here.

In May of this year I miscarried twins. This has been on my mind all week because THIS week would have been the due date. Which brings to mind all my other miscarriages as well. Amadeo in 2004, Selene in 2019, the twins in May and another in the last month so ya...I'm the Mother of 6 but the world will only ever see and acknowledge the living child I have. I've been told to recently "let them go". But how do you let go of empty arms when nothing tangible was ever there? 

In my heart, and all the ways to the very depths of my soul, I carry my children with me. Yes, the raw jagged edges of grief and loss have blurred the pain a bit - but the pain is still there. The hurt is still there. The loss is still there. The memories, the hopes for their life, the dreams we dreamed for them, the life they could have had - it's gone. It's nothing I did or didn't do. Nothing anybody did or didn't do. They say God or the Creator plans things for a reason. Well, I'd like to be let in on this reason but after screwing up my millionth try at making fudge - Imna leave it up to the higher power and continue to accept that somethings really do have to happen the way they happen. Doesn't make it easier to live with but it does make me less angry at the world.

So, I'm going to try to do what I've never done before - I'm going to let go. I'm going to let go of the life I could have had as a Mother of 6 rambunctious living children and just love them all in my heart - and continue to honor them by loving their living sister just as much. The heart was made for love (and pumping blood! Hahaha). I learned a long long time ago that if I could be terrified and have it feel like it lasted forever, then I could recall my greatest joys and have those feel like they lasted forever. Forever is but an instant- they are everything and nothing in the same breathe- just like we are. So, in my heart, tonight I say goodnight to all the hopes and dreams I had for my 5 angel babies...and just let the love I feel for them reside inside of me. 

Still, I will always love my children (birthed into this world or birthed into the next). Love is something not even death can destroy. I live for all of my children and I know in my heart that they all love me too. I will always have this sliver of grief inside of me. Grief only means that you had something worth losing and trust me, I had something worth losing. I know exactly how blessed I was to have housed 5 angels inside of me. It doesn't make it easier to breathe...but I do get some comfort from the belief, the faith, that I have that they have each other and our family - so they are not alone. 

So, yes. A part of me is always raw and jagged and bleeding and inflamed. I'm still doing the best I can to deal with it and live. Life is for living and I will not dishonour those passed by wallowing in despair- but please, never forget that I am still learning to live with 5 giant holes inside of my heart, where the lives and dreams of my children used to reside.

Till next time 

Xo 1/2

The things that keep me awake

 So, today started off in tears I shed alone in my bathroom this morning. Another miscarriage. Another time where my body just couldn't keep sustaining life. The medical field called it "a chemical pregnancy" -_- Like THAT made it any easier to deal with or cope. Either way, I washed my face and got on with my day. I have a 4 year old that needs me to keep my shit together and be there for her. So  that's what I did.

I took her for a "joyride" today. We went to see her Grandpa at work. Then I took her to the Health Centre for her school age vaccines and THAT'S when my day started to change. I was so proud of her for not freaking out over her shots. She was so strong and did her best to overcome her shyness with the nurse (whom she kept calling a Doctor lol). Just wish she woulda kept that up but within 40 minutes she got so flippin moody and cranky -_- I really felt like I needed a stiff drink before lunch lol

This afternoon, my Mum got sent to the hospital by ambulance. Her medical conditions always have made it hard kn her to stay healthy. Family and friends get frustrated and say she needs to do more this or more that. It's not that easy. She can do all those things but I've been saying it for years- My Mum's conditions are all tied to her emotions and depending on her emotions, she's either going to be okay or it's all going to hell in a hand basket.

Tonight though, my mind is all over the place. I wonder how I survived my car accident. Why did I survive what should have killed me? I lost control of the Jeep on loose gravel. I'm just blessed because my instincts told me to drop off my daughter with her Dad at his job. Something felt off in the Jeep and I'm forever grateful that I was smart enough to listen to my gut. But now, I'm still wrestling with wondering how I survived or why I survived. Or even why it happened. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't under the influence of anything except caffeine and 90s music lol I was and still am a very careful driver. I just wish there was a reason for this to have happened so I could easily accept my limitations now...

Why

It feels like I'll always be wondering that. I will always wonder and be grateful but still...I wonder. I lost the twins less than a month before the accident. My life has been chaos and insanity for the last couple of years. I am struggling with depression and disability now...which means more disappointments for me. Things I physically can't do that I used to do easily. Things I emotionally could deal with but can't anymore. Things I could mentally deal with but can't multitask like I used too. Every single aspect of my life has changed by something that literally has no meaning. An accident. Even the word means nothing. The whole experience has actually made me more prone to anxiety and fear. I spend a vast majority of my day confronting my fears and learning to live with them. Still scared...but not of the accident. I'm scared I'll never be useful again.

Sounds so dumb but I am terrified I'll never find stable ground and be useful or feel useful. I've based so much of my own worth on that...now I don't know how to feel worthy or like I am worth life. There are times where I wish they left me in the Jeep...but they are fewer and far between now that my medication was changed and I've adjusted to it well. Still, how do I learn to feel worthy again? Or like I'm not a waste of space or resources? Because that's how I feel right now. A part of my mind remembers vividly how strong and confident I was but I can't grasp how to start rebuilding. My memory of that aspect of who I am isn't anything I can remember. Every time I try to push my mind to remember what I can't- I get migraines now. My head hurts so damn bad and it makes me mad. Misplaced anger is a horrible way to spend your days...

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it in the days ahead. Here's to hoping to more answers instead of more questions. That resilience is still there. I just need answers...

Till next time 

Xo 1/2

Grief is life long

It's 2:48 am and alls not welllll!!!

 It's been a few years since I've wrote one of these. Maybe it's time to start putting my shit back out here again. I miss the simpler days of eat, work, coffee, coffee, eat, work, work, work, eat, work, exercise, shower and sleep. Then rinse and repeat. Then again, that shit sounds pretty blah! Not the fun 'blah' either. 

Since my last blog all those years ago, life has changed a lot. I have a daughter who I am still trying to discipline the me out of bwahahahaha!!! I'd have better luck winning the lottery than Bird actually not sassying me at least once a day hahahaha But I sure as hell can dream :) 

I'm up because I can't sleep. Every noise, every shift of the bed, the damn dog scratching his ears for the billionth time today, the fridge being noisy as hell, and my brain won't shut up for 5 minutes to let me sleep. Then again, I do have a lot on my mind. I'm really off my game tonight. I have been thinking and contemplating and reading and nothing. Just nothing.

For the longest time, I was alone. Regardless of how many people were around me or how many people actually cared - I was alone. I felt alone. I felt drowned by my own hard truths I learned in the most...traumatic and soul quenching ways. I remember wishing and crying and praying that I could just be normal. That I could just be like the majority of people I seen or worked with or observed. I remember offering up everything that makes me, me, if only I could honestly just be the person with the answer or just listens and NOT the person with the questions - just one of many - I used to want that with every fiber of my being. Yet, my perception isn't based on what is convenient - it is based on what is true...and it means I face the world as I perceive it. 

When I was a younger girl, I remember being locked in a make shift bathroom, simply because I wouldn't call the teacher my Aunt. She was NOT related to me but she INSISTED I call her my Aunt. I refused. I was beaten with that yard stick. I was locked in that make shift bathroom with no heat and no lights in the dead of winter plus the toilet did NOT flush - but she was not MY AUNT. She pushed my face in my vomit but she was STILL NOT MY AUNT. She hit me with the red french bible but she was my Aunt. She once asked me "Quelle est la valuer d'un sauvage?" She was NEVER going to be my Aunt. I held my friend's hand in a new make shift bathroom once and we promised that we would never be alone or believe what they told us if it was a lie. To this day, I treasure his friendship and it means more than anybody could ever know. He always says I saved his life - the reality is - the memory of him - has saved mine more times than I can count. 

I think that's when I really started to not be blinded by perception and really understood the underneath of the underneath. I hated it. I used to force myself to believe the words instead of the actions of people who said they loved me or cared for me. When I'd get proven wrong - I'd just try again. This willful ignorance continued for years. I let myself be 'convenient' for the people I titled "Friends". In reality, people who truly care about you - the you who shows up with or without a smile and they welcome you anyways they are real - the you who has to take a bus instead of a limo - the you who calls in the dead of night because your worst nightmare has now become your reality - they ARE REAL. Everybody else, they are just convenient. 

That being said, after giving birth to my very own miracle, I realized another personal truth - what is going on around me and what I perceive it to be is just that - my own perception. Having my daughter, my reason for even trying these days, colors everything. My Bird - she shapes my perception. Today, I was absolutely terrified. I couldn't find her. For the worst and most terrifying 20 minutes of my life, all I could think of was that it takes less than 7 seconds for someone to take everything from me and

 - to me, in my perception of my own reality, my daughter is EVERYTHING. For God sakes! I let a damn Surgeon stick his finger between my abdominal wall and my epidermis without more local anesthetic because my Bird was responding negatively to it. I let 2 Surgeons attempt to break the capsulized abscess and then let them dig out the broken bottle nose giraffe forceps...because she IS my future.

Sometimes you just gotta go a little crazy

So, after all this breathing deeply and holding my head up high...I tripped over the last hurdle and fell into the ninth layer of hell. Pretty sure Dante is laughing his ass off at me right now...damn bastard! Either way, after all of the stress I have been under lately regarding bills, health, weight loss, slow heart rate, insulin resistance, and whatever else life can fuck me over with (yeah! I mean you too cracked furnace!!!) I ended up catching the flu. Well, it held me hostage. I wasn't trying to catch anything hahaha in my defense, I was just trying to tread water at that point.

So, I wanted to give up. All the work I put into making my relationship work, trying to rebuild my credit, trying to help two communities I care so very much about, trying to be the best daughter I can, trying to be the best friend I can, trying to be happy, trying to be...and just none of it seemed to matter. I got hit with one thing after another. First I blew out my entire left flank moving something. Then my boyfriend and I fought because we're both stressed out and overworked and we were being bad partners. Although I heard from a reliable source my freak out was totally justified. I still owned up to my own actions regardless. Christmas supper was supposed to be me and my family and only my parents showed up. Which I am still eternally grateful for <3 Then I call my family to wish them a Merry Christmas only to hear about people slandering me. Then I get run off the road by a cop and almost ended up in the ditch. Then...it just went on and on. Literally could not catch a break. I haven't been able to catch a break. I wanted to give up. I felt like my life was one big Charlie Brown moment and I needed someone to start following me and going "waaaaaamp waaaamp waaaaaaaaaaamp"and still I kept on trying. Because some voice inside of me kept shouting "this too shall pass" and I was all "are you sure?" So, I kept trying and started to feel more solid...and then I got the flu.

Annnnndddd apparently you can't call in dead. I tried. They all just laughed at me. That part in the movie Carrie where her mother was trippin' balls going "they're all gonna laugh at you" came to mind. Then I had no choice to go to work to finish up some massive meeting prep. Sick as hell, looking like Wednesday Addams (and Im normally a nice almond brown - that's what some random model search person said to me once anyways lol), and all I got told is that I should be at home in bed...that I look like shit...and that I'm ol pale face. Either way, I did what I had to do. I had my 4 back to back teleconferences for these working groups and then I was out. For the rest of the week. Yesterday, when my brain finally started working, I realized, all this time I have been getting kicked down, beaten down, and was drowning and coughing up the water I was swallowing...and I never once fought back. That's not like me at all.

I am a fighter. I have never allowed myself to be treated in the ways I have let myself be treated recently. Walked over and walked through like I wasn't even there. Like some fucking puddle. That's not me hunny. I worked my ass to get where I am today. I worked hard to become the woman I am today. I have never accepted anything less than what I have aimed for and what effort I put into things...I get back one way or another. I can compromise - don't get me wrong now. I'm just not used to being emotional and all wishy-washy. I've been suffering from some serious tunnel vision but after having my ass kicked by the flu - well...I'm ready to start kicking back. I'm so done with everything.

So, I've been fighting some pretty big battles lately and doing the best I can with what I have. I have been overwhelmed though. Mounting bills, mounting debts, mounting responsibilities, mounting worries and still have to adapt to the massive changes my life has undergone in the last year. I have a boyfriend. He's great. He's perfectly imperfect. I can often be quoted as telling him "I love you...and yet there are still days where I still wanna strangle you and kiss you at the same time" hahahaha I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't know that it goes both ways. I also lost over 200 lbs. So, I'm adjusting to two massive life changes in a year or less. It's a lot to take in. Both are good for me (I do love Eric so very much <3 Even if he makes me question my sanity at times hahaha I miss him even when he's in the next room hahahaha it's weird) and both brought some positive changes to my life (I can run up the stairs without getting out of breath! YAY!). Eric and I live together and I'm good with this. I like it. It happened quickly and people wanna judge...giver tits! Giver hell! Giver whatever ya wanna giver but the point is...I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't give nothing. That's pretty much what the point is. I got caught up in an old cycle. A cycle I didn't realize until today when Julia finally re-inhabited my body.

So, I'm just gonna be awesome. I'm good at that. I'm good at problem solving. I'm good at fixing myself up. I'm good at a lot of things...but tonight I just went a lil bit crazy. I laughed for no real reason. I giggled at the smallest things. I painted my nails and then took off the polish and tried another one. I'm going to redo them one more time later hahahaha I needed to go a little crazy. Sometimes, losing your mind and just letting go is good for you. I haven't felt this light hearted in a long time, So, Doctor Google says I have either lost my mind and am having a fugue episode or psychotic break or I am drunk. I can assure you I am not drunk. I am just literally tired of feeling like shit. Feeling the weight of all the bullshit that has been happening to me and around me. After spending an entire week puking my guts out and fighting to stay hydrated, I have realized one simple thing - there was never no light in the dark. If I was there, there was light. I felt trapped in the dark. I felt alone and lost and lonely and I let those negative emotions and thoughts and what people were saying about me get to me...well, too bad. I'm over it. I'm done. What doesn't kill me will not only make me stronger but smarter. Screw heading towards the light - I AM THE LIGHT. Take that tunnel. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sometimes, we all need to remember that we need to be our own champions. So, STAND TALL! You were born to stand tall and stand freely. Do it up. I'll high five you and cheers my glass of apple juice to that! hahaha

Till next time,

xoxo 1/2

Survivor...Hell No! I'm a Thriver!!!!

Blog I forgot to post in September 2016

So, this month month has been hell on earth for me. It's been mad crazy insane and so many other adjectives that if I wrote them here...it would just be the entire blog...nothing but adjectives. Which isn't what this blog is about. This is a place for me to say what I need to say. They even wrote a song about it hahahahaha But this is about the TRUTH of what happened to me when I was a child. If you can handle it, read on, if you can't...well...click on another blog because this isn't for everyone. Sometimes, the truth is ugly, scary and smells like brimstone because of what happened to you...or what you witnessed.

This past month I've been asked to tell my story to a group of a young girls and boys. I did. It wasn't an easy decision to make and I kept that decision solely to myself. While that decision ate at me, it also made me realize that by hiding what happened, I was just making it okay for the pedophile that sexually abused me and assaulted me to go about living their life. In reality, it's not okay. It will never be okay. My life right now is hard earned. I worked my ass off to move past those feelings and to see such young, beautiful but tormented individuals relate to the darkness and despair I felt...it hurt my soul and made my spirit weep. I told them straight up, because that's just how I am, that no matter how far you run, or how much you hide, you can't run from yourself or your mind. The truth will find you whether you like it or not. It really is up to you to decide whether or not you can face it and deal with the consequences. I always tell my friends this one thing...do you really want to know? I ask that question because you have to be willing to accept the consequences of what you are asking. Are you ready to know? Are you ready to take whatever action feels right? Are you ready to deal with the burden that kind of knowledge will bring into your life? Hmmm...it's a life altering decision to face off with a past you buried.

For years, I buried the truth.I repressed my memories for years. For years I repressed the memories of a basement where my friend and I were burned with cigarettes. For years, I repressed the memory of being in a dark hole in the ground with a car on top of me and my friend. For years I repressed the memory of where I was fondled. For years, I repressed the memory of what an erection felt like. For years, I repressed the memories of sex....till one day I started to remember. The psychiatrist called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with an adjustment disorder as well. I called it living in hell. I talked about it with the people who went through it with me. I talked them down from committing suicide. Pulled them off the highway by their jeans. Wrestled them to the floor for pill bottles and razors. Fought for their very lives and no one knew but us. Just us. Then one night...I couldn't take it anymore. Nobody was there to witness me take my own life. Nobody was there when I took 120 pills mixed with vodka. Nobody was there to wrestle me to the ground...because nobody knew. I was good at keeping secrets. So very good at pretending everything was okay...till someone told...and I was asked and I realized the jig was up. The truth found me...whether I liked it or not.

The most life altering question I have ever been asked is "do you give this statement freely?" No one has any idea how hard it is to sit there and relive your shame. To bring a secret you have been hiding since you were 4 years old into the light. To bring the very thing that you have tried to repress from the very depths of your memory...and to bleed that poison from your soul. To let your spirit weep...and to forgive the child inside of you that doesn't need forgiveness...but they think they do. What the cops, the police, the attorneys never tell you...is that the wheels of justice they grind. They grind so very slowly that you feel like you are not believed. That you feel helpless and hopeless. That you feel like it doesn't even matter because the person who violated you was right - no one cares about you at all. You don't matter except for one thing and one thing only. The justice system makes you feel guilty till you prove you aren't the one that did anything wrong. Still, the truth needed to be told and I did what I had to do. I was prepared to do it...even if it costs me my life.

The Past

I try to breathe and I find myself here again,
surround by days long past.
Am I to forever remain a prisoner of my past?
Just the thought of it makes me want to runaway very fast.
Days I thought were long buried,
find a way to haunt me in my sleep.
Days that were filled with torture and pain,
times were I was stripped of my innocence.
Now I am left tainted and shattered,
broken into pieces scattered to the ends of the earth.
My body and soul were left tattered,
I am beyond recognition.
I wear a facade to hide my pain,
a smile to mask my fears.
I walk with my head down,
only to hide my eyes filled with tears.
I have spent all my life in dark imprisonment,
my only companions are hopelessness and despair.
Still, I survive because it is all I know how to do,
even with all my pain and years of sorrow..

- Julia Polson - August 26, 1999

And that's how I celebrated my birthday that year. Remembering the things that every woman fears more than death. Remembering the powerlessness, being stripped of my sense of security, being torn apart inside, and drowning in soo much despair...but I had a goal. I was going to make him accountable for what he did to me in order to protect every other little girl and boy out there. I didn't want them to go through everything I was going through. I didn't want there life to be shades of grey like mine was. 

So, he plead not guilty. All that medical evidence against him, all the reports and he still said he was innocent. Well, he learned the hard way that denying the truth doesn't change the facts. He sexually assaulted and abused me. From when I was 4 years old till I was 5 1/2 years old. My saving grace was when he no longer had access to me. It took me years to forgive people I love for not protecting me. It took me years to move past all that pain...and then years later...I had to deal with my fear. While I was waiting for my case to go to trail, I ran into him at a store when I had my young little cousin with me and I saw him look at her...and I felt fear. Fear like I never even knew existed. I ordered her back to my house right away. I watched him and confronted him and told him "I'm not a child anymore and I will rip you apart with my bare hands if you even so much as think of my bebe." I meant it. I was scared but I lived my entire life with fear. Fear that he would kill me like he said. Fear that no one would believe me. Fear that someone would find out. Fear that I wouldn't be able to keep me and my friends secret. So much of my early life...till I was 15 years old was drenched in terror and fear. Well, not anymore. That moment sparked every protective instinct I had in my body and I no longer felt like giving up. No matter how long it took...he was going to pay for what he did. The word would be out and the people would know the kind of soulless monster living in their midst.

It took a long time for justice to come calling. During that time I had to move away from my family though. It was for my own safety. I was being threatened. By his family, by his friends and being judged and intimidated by his grandchildren...I wasn't safe anymore. Home - it wasn't safe for me anymore. I accepted this as a part of the sacrifice I needed to make in order to make sure I did what I had to do. I was in College by the time my case went to trial. It was the most painful, excruciating, soul wrenching experience I had experienced at that time. I had to relieve, in vivid detail, every time he sought pleasure in my 4 year old body. I had to relieve the memories of cream coloured dusty curtains, smoky basements and recliners...and stale beer breath. I had to relieve puking my guts out in a bathroom while he gave me money to keep my mouth shut. I had to relieve the horror of what he did, what he stole, what he tarnished and what he took from me...and then it got worse. I got angry. I got so mad. What no one tells you is that the defence will ask you the most disgusting questions possible. I was asked "what were you wearing" and "did I ask for it". I was crying, and full of rage when I said "Would your 4 year old daughter ask to be sexually assaulted and abused?! Would she?! Would you?! What 4 year old asks that?!" and the Judge made him withdraw that question...but still...I want to puke yet remembering him even asking that question. But I told my truth and he...all he got was one year in jail in protected custody. He never got to feel what I felt. He never got to know an ounce of what his actions did to me and my friends. He never experienced any of that. His sister told me he was a victim. It was the booze. 

That sister that told me that...she asked for my forgiveness years later. She knew it was wrong. It was evil what he did. I told those young people that they did nothing wrong. That I believe them. No one asks for that kind of violence.

Courage..it is harder to have when you feel you have nothing. Hope...hope is almost impossible at times but somehow you live. Somehow life goes on whether you are ready or not.

So, there it is. There is my dark truth. The part of me that is not so pretty but that part of me that birthed my resilience. That gave rise to the woman I am today.

Till next time,

xoxo 1/2