So, today started off in tears I shed alone in my bathroom this morning. Another miscarriage. Another time where my body just couldn't keep sustaining life. The medical field called it "a chemical pregnancy" -_- Like THAT made it any easier to deal with or cope. Either way, I washed my face and got on with my day. I have a 4 year old that needs me to keep my shit together and be there for her. So that's what I did.
I took her for a "joyride" today. We went to see her Grandpa at work. Then I took her to the Health Centre for her school age vaccines and THAT'S when my day started to change. I was so proud of her for not freaking out over her shots. She was so strong and did her best to overcome her shyness with the nurse (whom she kept calling a Doctor lol). Just wish she woulda kept that up but within 40 minutes she got so flippin moody and cranky -_- I really felt like I needed a stiff drink before lunch lol
This afternoon, my Mum got sent to the hospital by ambulance. Her medical conditions always have made it hard kn her to stay healthy. Family and friends get frustrated and say she needs to do more this or more that. It's not that easy. She can do all those things but I've been saying it for years- My Mum's conditions are all tied to her emotions and depending on her emotions, she's either going to be okay or it's all going to hell in a hand basket.
Tonight though, my mind is all over the place. I wonder how I survived my car accident. Why did I survive what should have killed me? I lost control of the Jeep on loose gravel. I'm just blessed because my instincts told me to drop off my daughter with her Dad at his job. Something felt off in the Jeep and I'm forever grateful that I was smart enough to listen to my gut. But now, I'm still wrestling with wondering how I survived or why I survived. Or even why it happened. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't under the influence of anything except caffeine and 90s music lol I was and still am a very careful driver. I just wish there was a reason for this to have happened so I could easily accept my limitations now...
It feels like I'll always be wondering that. I will always wonder and be grateful but still...I wonder. I lost the twins less than a month before the accident. My life has been chaos and insanity for the last couple of years. I am struggling with depression and disability now...which means more disappointments for me. Things I physically can't do that I used to do easily. Things I emotionally could deal with but can't anymore. Things I could mentally deal with but can't multitask like I used too. Every single aspect of my life has changed by something that literally has no meaning. An accident. Even the word means nothing. The whole experience has actually made me more prone to anxiety and fear. I spend a vast majority of my day confronting my fears and learning to live with them. Still scared...but not of the accident. I'm scared I'll never be useful again.
Sounds so dumb but I am terrified I'll never find stable ground and be useful or feel useful. I've based so much of my own worth on that...now I don't know how to feel worthy or like I am worth life. There are times where I wish they left me in the Jeep...but they are fewer and far between now that my medication was changed and I've adjusted to it well. Still, how do I learn to feel worthy again? Or like I'm not a waste of space or resources? Because that's how I feel right now. A part of my mind remembers vividly how strong and confident I was but I can't grasp how to start rebuilding. My memory of that aspect of who I am isn't anything I can remember. Every time I try to push my mind to remember what I can't- I get migraines now. My head hurts so damn bad and it makes me mad. Misplaced anger is a horrible way to spend your days...
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it in the days ahead. Here's to hoping to more answers instead of more questions. That resilience is still there. I just need answers...
Till next time
Xo 1/2
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