How to let go...

 So, it's 1:06 am and I finally have a moment to myself to collect my thoughts. Not like I can collect them since they are all jumbled and misplaced and disordered -_- Like my goddamn unpacking lol Shit is everywhere and I can't find what I'm looking for but hell if what I just found doesn't distract me from what I was looking for hahahaha Actually, what was I looking for?

This week has been harder than hard. Which is saying a lot for a woman who got up 12 hrs after surviving a car accident that should have killed her - so yup. It's been a hard week. Then add on my inability to recall new memories or make new memories (like every day things such as remembering what I ate or what I was supposed to do today) and then add on my other stressors and yup. I am not sure I'll be functional for the holidays but damned if I'm not gonna give it my all - Backbone, not a wishbone over here.

In May of this year I miscarried twins. This has been on my mind all week because THIS week would have been the due date. Which brings to mind all my other miscarriages as well. Amadeo in 2004, Selene in 2019, the twins in May and another in the last month so ya...I'm the Mother of 6 but the world will only ever see and acknowledge the living child I have. I've been told to recently "let them go". But how do you let go of empty arms when nothing tangible was ever there? 

In my heart, and all the ways to the very depths of my soul, I carry my children with me. Yes, the raw jagged edges of grief and loss have blurred the pain a bit - but the pain is still there. The hurt is still there. The loss is still there. The memories, the hopes for their life, the dreams we dreamed for them, the life they could have had - it's gone. It's nothing I did or didn't do. Nothing anybody did or didn't do. They say God or the Creator plans things for a reason. Well, I'd like to be let in on this reason but after screwing up my millionth try at making fudge - Imna leave it up to the higher power and continue to accept that somethings really do have to happen the way they happen. Doesn't make it easier to live with but it does make me less angry at the world.

So, I'm going to try to do what I've never done before - I'm going to let go. I'm going to let go of the life I could have had as a Mother of 6 rambunctious living children and just love them all in my heart - and continue to honor them by loving their living sister just as much. The heart was made for love (and pumping blood! Hahaha). I learned a long long time ago that if I could be terrified and have it feel like it lasted forever, then I could recall my greatest joys and have those feel like they lasted forever. Forever is but an instant- they are everything and nothing in the same breathe- just like we are. So, in my heart, tonight I say goodnight to all the hopes and dreams I had for my 5 angel babies...and just let the love I feel for them reside inside of me. 

Still, I will always love my children (birthed into this world or birthed into the next). Love is something not even death can destroy. I live for all of my children and I know in my heart that they all love me too. I will always have this sliver of grief inside of me. Grief only means that you had something worth losing and trust me, I had something worth losing. I know exactly how blessed I was to have housed 5 angels inside of me. It doesn't make it easier to breathe...but I do get some comfort from the belief, the faith, that I have that they have each other and our family - so they are not alone. 

So, yes. A part of me is always raw and jagged and bleeding and inflamed. I'm still doing the best I can to deal with it and live. Life is for living and I will not dishonour those passed by wallowing in despair- but please, never forget that I am still learning to live with 5 giant holes inside of my heart, where the lives and dreams of my children used to reside.

Till next time 

Xo 1/2

The things that keep me awake

 So, today started off in tears I shed alone in my bathroom this morning. Another miscarriage. Another time where my body just couldn't keep sustaining life. The medical field called it "a chemical pregnancy" -_- Like THAT made it any easier to deal with or cope. Either way, I washed my face and got on with my day. I have a 4 year old that needs me to keep my shit together and be there for her. So  that's what I did.

I took her for a "joyride" today. We went to see her Grandpa at work. Then I took her to the Health Centre for her school age vaccines and THAT'S when my day started to change. I was so proud of her for not freaking out over her shots. She was so strong and did her best to overcome her shyness with the nurse (whom she kept calling a Doctor lol). Just wish she woulda kept that up but within 40 minutes she got so flippin moody and cranky -_- I really felt like I needed a stiff drink before lunch lol

This afternoon, my Mum got sent to the hospital by ambulance. Her medical conditions always have made it hard kn her to stay healthy. Family and friends get frustrated and say she needs to do more this or more that. It's not that easy. She can do all those things but I've been saying it for years- My Mum's conditions are all tied to her emotions and depending on her emotions, she's either going to be okay or it's all going to hell in a hand basket.

Tonight though, my mind is all over the place. I wonder how I survived my car accident. Why did I survive what should have killed me? I lost control of the Jeep on loose gravel. I'm just blessed because my instincts told me to drop off my daughter with her Dad at his job. Something felt off in the Jeep and I'm forever grateful that I was smart enough to listen to my gut. But now, I'm still wrestling with wondering how I survived or why I survived. Or even why it happened. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't under the influence of anything except caffeine and 90s music lol I was and still am a very careful driver. I just wish there was a reason for this to have happened so I could easily accept my limitations now...

Why

It feels like I'll always be wondering that. I will always wonder and be grateful but still...I wonder. I lost the twins less than a month before the accident. My life has been chaos and insanity for the last couple of years. I am struggling with depression and disability now...which means more disappointments for me. Things I physically can't do that I used to do easily. Things I emotionally could deal with but can't anymore. Things I could mentally deal with but can't multitask like I used too. Every single aspect of my life has changed by something that literally has no meaning. An accident. Even the word means nothing. The whole experience has actually made me more prone to anxiety and fear. I spend a vast majority of my day confronting my fears and learning to live with them. Still scared...but not of the accident. I'm scared I'll never be useful again.

Sounds so dumb but I am terrified I'll never find stable ground and be useful or feel useful. I've based so much of my own worth on that...now I don't know how to feel worthy or like I am worth life. There are times where I wish they left me in the Jeep...but they are fewer and far between now that my medication was changed and I've adjusted to it well. Still, how do I learn to feel worthy again? Or like I'm not a waste of space or resources? Because that's how I feel right now. A part of my mind remembers vividly how strong and confident I was but I can't grasp how to start rebuilding. My memory of that aspect of who I am isn't anything I can remember. Every time I try to push my mind to remember what I can't- I get migraines now. My head hurts so damn bad and it makes me mad. Misplaced anger is a horrible way to spend your days...

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it in the days ahead. Here's to hoping to more answers instead of more questions. That resilience is still there. I just need answers...

Till next time 

Xo 1/2

Grief is life long

It's 2:48 am and alls not welllll!!!

 It's been a few years since I've wrote one of these. Maybe it's time to start putting my shit back out here again. I miss the simpler days of eat, work, coffee, coffee, eat, work, work, work, eat, work, exercise, shower and sleep. Then rinse and repeat. Then again, that shit sounds pretty blah! Not the fun 'blah' either. 

Since my last blog all those years ago, life has changed a lot. I have a daughter who I am still trying to discipline the me out of bwahahahaha!!! I'd have better luck winning the lottery than Bird actually not sassying me at least once a day hahahaha But I sure as hell can dream :) 

I'm up because I can't sleep. Every noise, every shift of the bed, the damn dog scratching his ears for the billionth time today, the fridge being noisy as hell, and my brain won't shut up for 5 minutes to let me sleep. Then again, I do have a lot on my mind. I'm really off my game tonight. I have been thinking and contemplating and reading and nothing. Just nothing.

For the longest time, I was alone. Regardless of how many people were around me or how many people actually cared - I was alone. I felt alone. I felt drowned by my own hard truths I learned in the most...traumatic and soul quenching ways. I remember wishing and crying and praying that I could just be normal. That I could just be like the majority of people I seen or worked with or observed. I remember offering up everything that makes me, me, if only I could honestly just be the person with the answer or just listens and NOT the person with the questions - just one of many - I used to want that with every fiber of my being. Yet, my perception isn't based on what is convenient - it is based on what is true...and it means I face the world as I perceive it. 

When I was a younger girl, I remember being locked in a make shift bathroom, simply because I wouldn't call the teacher my Aunt. She was NOT related to me but she INSISTED I call her my Aunt. I refused. I was beaten with that yard stick. I was locked in that make shift bathroom with no heat and no lights in the dead of winter plus the toilet did NOT flush - but she was not MY AUNT. She pushed my face in my vomit but she was STILL NOT MY AUNT. She hit me with the red french bible but she was my Aunt. She once asked me "Quelle est la valuer d'un sauvage?" She was NEVER going to be my Aunt. I held my friend's hand in a new make shift bathroom once and we promised that we would never be alone or believe what they told us if it was a lie. To this day, I treasure his friendship and it means more than anybody could ever know. He always says I saved his life - the reality is - the memory of him - has saved mine more times than I can count. 

I think that's when I really started to not be blinded by perception and really understood the underneath of the underneath. I hated it. I used to force myself to believe the words instead of the actions of people who said they loved me or cared for me. When I'd get proven wrong - I'd just try again. This willful ignorance continued for years. I let myself be 'convenient' for the people I titled "Friends". In reality, people who truly care about you - the you who shows up with or without a smile and they welcome you anyways they are real - the you who has to take a bus instead of a limo - the you who calls in the dead of night because your worst nightmare has now become your reality - they ARE REAL. Everybody else, they are just convenient. 

That being said, after giving birth to my very own miracle, I realized another personal truth - what is going on around me and what I perceive it to be is just that - my own perception. Having my daughter, my reason for even trying these days, colors everything. My Bird - she shapes my perception. Today, I was absolutely terrified. I couldn't find her. For the worst and most terrifying 20 minutes of my life, all I could think of was that it takes less than 7 seconds for someone to take everything from me and

 - to me, in my perception of my own reality, my daughter is EVERYTHING. For God sakes! I let a damn Surgeon stick his finger between my abdominal wall and my epidermis without more local anesthetic because my Bird was responding negatively to it. I let 2 Surgeons attempt to break the capsulized abscess and then let them dig out the broken bottle nose giraffe forceps...because she IS my future.