The problem is that I have never given a second chance before. Ever. Not in any of my relationships with men have I ever given a man, a second chance and I'm out of my depth here. I don't know how to do this at all. I mean...okay...I should tell you the cliff notes version of our relationship.
We met in September, things got intense quickly (feeling wise), and then things kinda went to shit. I was busy working and did my best to make time for him in my day. I know that communication is key but my attempts failed. Everything failed once we had one weekend that we basically spent in my bed. I needed reassurances that he wasn't just interested in me for the sex and he would say he wasnt...then he started getting distant and I tried to hang on. Tried to make it work. When I went to his home turf, for business, we were supposed to meet up and he no-showed. After feeling like complete shit, since this has become the norm now, I ended it. I ended it to protect me. I wrote about him last November. You know, the guy who valued his job more than me.
So, imagine my surprise when he contacts me. Out of nowhere. Wanting to have coffee and have an adult conversation. I admitted to missing him and thinking of him often. He said he was sorry things ended as they did, that I'm always on his mind and that he wants me in his life...but slow and steady. I, at this point, agreed to meet for coffee...but knew in my heart that he wouldn't show.
So, he kept saying that things never ended on a positive note...but how could they end positively? ? He ignored me. Made me feel like I was bothering him. Made me feel so small...like I wasn't good enough. I did what I believed was best. His actions told me he didn't want me. Not even a little bit. I traveled and arranged my schedule to be with him...and he blew me off...and it really really hurt. Because I loved him. I cried myself to sleep every night, I cried when I thought of him...it was terrible to realize how deep my feelings went and how insane it was that they were that deep in such a short time. I never cried over my ex-fiance like that. I really felt like I just ripped off a piece of me...a piece I'd never get back.
But I am a survivor.
So, months later, he comes back into my life...only to not show up for coffee. I'd like to say I wasn't hurt...but I was. My eyes teared, my heart clenched, and my mind was saying "told ya so"...I really want to believe I matter to him but, there is a big but here (and not the fun kind), his actions already tell me how much I don't matter. Actions speak so loud to me. He couldn't even make it for a 930 am coffee when he assured me he would make it.
We've texted since then but I'm keeping my distance. I'm unsure about him. My heart says "yes...we need him" and my mind says "wtf you listening to an organ that's just supposed to pump blood for?!" Lol no no no hahahaha but I miss him. I want to give him a second chance but at the same time, I want to leave him in the past. Where I left all he cou.d have had with me. I grieved for him because to me, he was dead to me. Which is fucked up because that means I'm considering getting together with a zombie :P lol but you know what I mean ...and I'm just confused.
So, the question really is...how can I give a second chance to someone who hasn't earned it?
My heart doesn't want to give up...but my head says it's time. I'm conflicted.
....and I could really use a hug right now.
Till next time xo
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