My bariatric surgery and all the feels!!!!

So, I made a decision that has drastically changed my life. I had bariatric surgery. This in turn has made me realize I've changed. My face looks different, my body is all pear shaped, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to it. Mostly because this change happened too quickly. I've been recuperating and pushing my limits and trying to be the best I can be. I miss routine damn it! LOL I even miss bitching about work to my co-workers. There's just that part of life that is stable, that doesn't change. Bureaucrats will always be bureaucrats and I think I need that stable (albeit boring as *&$# at times) checks and balances to be solid...because I need something in my life that hasn't gone all topsy tipsy turvy without me being able to have a drink over it.

Last year I made a choice to have bariatric surgery. Well, first I made a decision to go to the information session. Then I made a decision to go meet with the dietitian. Then I really weighed the pros and cons of doing this and I decided to go for it. After speaking with the surgeon I decided to go with the vertical gastric sleeve.

   

So, I had two weeks of hell which is called the pre-op prep diet (Optifast). Then I had my surgery on January 5th. I was the first one to have surgery that day and it was a little intense. More so when you are surrounded by so many good looking men and women that you find attractive. LOL I, obviously, decided to be celibate (STILL AM!!!! Kinda wishing I wasn't now :'( wwaaah!) and my hormones were all "I'd kiss those lips" and "Oh my...she's so gorgeous when she smiles. Look at those teeth!" and "If today was my last day I would definitely want him on this table with me and..." hahahaha Well...you know.. ;) 

I had a pretty rough time. There are things they don't tell you about the surgery aftermath...like how much the gas hurts. HOLY EFF!!! I woke up in back pain and some nurse gave me a pill and another gave me an injection and someone else gave me something to drink in a straw. I kept telling that blonde nurse that I wasn't supposed to be drinking out of a straw...I also told her I was going to sit up with or without her. She pretty much saw my determination (which I am positive she was cursing me for since she did glare at me  LOL) and had someone come and help me up. The whole recovery room floor acted like it was a big deal but it didn't feel that way to me. I needed to sit UP damn it!!! I ended up staying like that for 10 minutes, burping, puking up water and phlegmy grossness. Just thinking about it makes me wanna be sick. Anyways, moving on, I ended up trying to lay down by myself and that's when I felt EVERY SINGLE STITCH IN MY STOMACH!! So, yes. I paid a painful price for my stubbornness and independence. Thankfully, Jules (who I would totally marry just because he was so awesome lol) gave me something for pain and I relaxed enough to sleep another 2 hours. I was pretty high hahahahaha and apparently very funny!

So, that was my adventure. After a couple of days they sent me home. Oh! I also had a "baby" during that time and it was very useful LOL They rolled up a hospital pillow and when you had to make yourself cough, you had to brace your belly with that...and I learned the hard way why that is the way it is :/ Never...again.  But yeah, anyways, home. We finally went home which means we drove 9 hours back. I was so happy to be in my own bed. I was actually crying to go home and I had no idea why I was crying so much. I cried about everything. Why wasn't I warned about the emotional fall out?! BAH! Oh well, now I know and I can let y'all know...a little knowledge helps. I am so very grateful for my parents and friends and family. They have all been so supportive. Even my community has been amazing. I am such a lucky person! :D Okay...all teary-eyed over here hahaha I'm just so touched... <3

Now that I am home and adjusting I haven't been too much of a cry baby. Either way, I'm still adjusting to the schedules I have to keep now in order to maintain my health. There is a medication schedule and there are times I cant drink water or other liquids before and after meals...and not to mention the strict diet. But I am adjusting to all that fine. It's actually not much of an adjustment except for the damn protein and PILLS! I am literally sick of taking my damn pills! LOL I have some regrets and am grieving for the things I won't be eating or drinking anymore (I cry for you Ginger Ale!!!!!!!) but overall I'm good. I don't feel different...just have more aches and pains right now. I am just 4 weeks out of surgery this week coming up...so I'm looking on the brighter side of it ;)

So, I am still adjusting to this. I feel everything intensely yet. I cry over the most ridiculous things. My tastebuds have changed. My face has changed. The way I think about things is changing. I'm a little scared that I am going to change too much but I have NEVER let my fear control me...mostly because I'm scared of that too hahahahaha Okay...so maybe I am a chicken shit but I would like to think I am a pretty awesome chicken shit LMAO!!!

Till next time!

xo 1/2

Second Chances

So, I'm having a hard time right now. I did just have half of my stomach cut off but that's not what this post is about. This post is about second chances...and if I should give him, my ex-boyfriend,  one.

The problem is that I have never given a second chance before. Ever. Not in any of my relationships with men have I ever given a man, a second chance and I'm out of my depth here. I don't know how to do this at all. I mean...okay...I should tell you the cliff notes version of our relationship.

We met in September, things got intense quickly (feeling wise), and then things kinda went to shit. I was busy working and did my best to make time for him in my day. I know that communication is key but my attempts failed. Everything failed once we had one weekend that we basically spent in my bed. I needed reassurances that he wasn't just interested in me for the sex and he would say he wasnt...then he started getting distant and I tried to hang on. Tried to make it work. When I went to his home turf, for business,  we were supposed to meet up and he no-showed. After feeling like complete shit, since this has become the norm now, I ended it. I ended it to protect me. I wrote about him last November. You know, the guy who valued his job more than me.

So, imagine my surprise when he contacts me. Out of nowhere. Wanting to have coffee and have an adult conversation. I admitted to missing him and thinking of him often. He said he was sorry things ended as they did, that I'm always on his mind and that he wants me in his life...but slow and steady. I, at this point, agreed to meet for coffee...but knew in my heart that he wouldn't show.

So, he kept saying that things never ended on a positive note...but how could they end positively? ? He ignored me. Made me feel like I was bothering him. Made me feel so small...like I wasn't good enough. I did what I believed was best. His actions told me he didn't want me. Not even a little bit. I traveled and arranged my schedule to be with him...and he blew me off...and it really really hurt. Because I loved him. I cried myself to sleep every night, I cried when I thought of him...it was terrible to realize how deep my feelings went and how insane it was that they were that deep in such a short time. I never cried over my ex-fiance like that. I really felt like I just ripped off a piece of me...a piece I'd never get back.

But I am a survivor.

So, months later, he comes back into my life...only to not show up for coffee. I'd like to say I wasn't hurt...but I was. My eyes teared,  my heart clenched, and my mind was saying "told ya so"...I really want to believe I matter to him but, there is a big but here (and not the fun kind), his actions already tell me how much I don't matter. Actions speak so loud to me. He couldn't even make it for a 930 am coffee when he assured me he would make it.

We've texted since then but I'm keeping my distance. I'm unsure about him. My heart says "yes...we need him" and my mind says "wtf you listening to an organ that's just supposed to pump blood for?!" Lol no no no hahahaha but I miss him. I want to give him a second chance but at the same time, I want to leave him in the past. Where I left all he cou.d have had with me. I grieved for him because to me, he was dead to me. Which is fucked up because that means I'm considering getting together with a zombie :P lol but you know what I mean ...and I'm just confused.

So, the question really is...how can I give a second chance to someone who hasn't earned it?

My heart doesn't want to give up...but my head says it's time. I'm conflicted.

....and I could really use a hug right now.

Till next time xo

Why I haven't been around...