Just Venting...

So, I have a confession to make. I have been an asshole this week. I blew-up in a spectacular way for nothing. Why? I threw an adult version of a spoiled brats temper tantrum. I, literally, gave into the urge to whine, throw something (not breakable!!!!), complain, and be bitchy. There are days where you should just give yourself to freedom to feel all the feelings. ALL THE FEELINGS!! I was irritable. Bloated. Gassy. Looked like puberty just bitch slapped my face and ya know what...tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good.  I wanted to suck that shit up but ya know what else...FUCK THAT!

I have as much a right to my feelings as anyone else. Screw that new age bullshit. I made up my mind to have an amazing day and all day everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong or plain blew-up in my damn face. I am entitled to my damn feelings and if they wanna urge me into throwing my pillow across the room (while screaming at the top of my lungs) - I damn well will do it!! Because I realized that, despite wanting to have a good day, making sure I maintained my professionalism, and not being a total buttwipe to humanity (like the universe was to me!)...bad days exist to remind me to appreciate the good days.

So, after realizing I was entitled to my feelings...I may have went a little overboard in planning my escape from reality. I actually spent my Friday night in with a bottle of wine and a bag of Aero bubbles (because they are my weakness) and got to speaking with one of my ex's. Well, when you are stressed out, and life keeps doing the whole "hit-n-run" all over your carefully well-layed plans...you don't make the best choices...did you know that there are feel good endorphin? :D hahaha Well...I did the rewind and hooked up with my ex which ALWAYS leads to problems. I made a poor decision and I would honestly like to take it back. Despite the sex being satisfying - it is never worth the aftermath of "it could work between us". I know better. It'll never work between us. There is no amount of cunnilingus or orgasms that can repair the fact that he's an arrogant prick who is materialistic and expects me to give up my career for him. I am also a needy person that can't hack the fact that he travels so much out of the country for business he might as well be a damn foreigner. We could be good together but I don't want to give up my life for something that is sketchy-er than the first time a guy has ever said "It's okay baby...just let me put the tip in..." or, my personal fave, "I'll pull out". We ALL know how well that would turn out...but, I do thank him, for giving me all the best feeling good endorphin I needed to survive till today.

Now, it is rather unfortunate that I have come to a realization today...I should never date ever again. I feel sorry for Marc. I literally bit his head off this week when he called and I blasted him, thinking he was someone else, and I said "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?! YOU JUST CALLED 3 MINUTES AGO AND THE 3 MINUTES BEFORE THAT. HOW MANY MORE TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO CALL BEFORE YOU UNDERSTAND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!?!?!" annnnddd...it turns out it was the guy I was sorta dating. Well, needless to say, I am not dating him anymore. I am not dating anybody. hahahaha Poor guy...I would have apologized if I didn't end up going on this rant about how every man that comes into my life lacks a damn backbone. I would love it, if just for once, some guy made a choice about where to go out for supper or what we were going to do this weekend. I am simply tired of being in these Julia-dominated relationships. I'm irritated and annoyed...and now dateless but I deserve it for being an asshole.

Plus, Murphy's Fourth Law came into effect today which is "if there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong" and that's what happened.  My notebook was sent to archive and you'd think I'd be able to find the damn bastard but nope. My minutes, my notes, my strategy guide is all in that ONE notebook...and now it's gone. Into the abyss called "archive room". I just feel a little discouraged.

So, here I am, venting to the world wide web. This no-good-very-bad day has brought about a new appreciation for all the good days. The days where the office equipment does work. Days where the sun is shining. Days where I don't have to fix my insoles because my cat is higher than Scarface right before he introduces you to his little friend (his gun people!!! pervs...lol). Days where I don't have to deal with passive-aggressive crabapples that need to cool their tits (or please get knocked out by one of them when they are going crazy!). Days where my notebook magically places itself back on my desk and my work universe and my home life come together to make love...beautiful...sweet...magically delicious love! LOVE!

But till then...

I'm going to re-consider taking an early vacation from life in general...because Murphy just rode my ass into the ground without lube and it HUUUUUURRRTS!!! lol I'd rather be like that cat outside of Barstow...

Hope you had a better day than me...As for what I am going to do with my evening, I am going to crawl into my bed with a good book and pretend that today never happened.

Till next time...xoxo

Mother's Day Isn't Easy For Me...

Happy Mother's day to everyone! ....


So, I am not even going to pretend I am okay today. I am actually an emotional wreck. Today is Mother's day...It's one of the very few days I dread because I typically either handle it really well or I end up looking like I am in the middle of a mental breakdown. Well, this year I had definitely hit the emotional train wreck station. It's a beautiful day for me to celebrate my Mum (even if I celebrate her every day). I just don't typically handle it well because I am a Mother of a son who died.

I had a late miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, soul clenching and it is pure agony to have a future ripped from you. There are no words to describe it.

So, today, for the first time, I will be around small children on Mother's day. I am so terrified of bursting into tears and worrying them. They are little and I don't think they can understand why Aunty feels sad today. What I know I can do, is hug them a little tighter. I can be strong for people that are important to me and they certainly are important. I mentioned my trepidation to a few of my friends and they all said the same thing - there's a reason.

I get that I avoid things that hurt or avoid anything when I know I am emotionally fragile...but (there is a BUT) I know I am resilient. Loss is a part of life. I get it. I understand. Understanding does not mean I accept it. I hurt. It's like I am bleeding yet inside.

For years after I struggled with depression. I contemplated suicide. I realized how close I was coming to the edge...and how quickly everything that made me Julia was fading away. I made a decision then and there on the bathroom floor (cried so hard I got sick :( ) that I would live my life for us. Full-tilt experience with a capital E for me and my son. But I needed help first. I saw a lovely, culturally sensitive psychiatrist who helped me work through a lot of problems I had at that time and worked with me on my grief.

The biggest hurdles are always the day I miscarried, the date I was due, and Mother's day. Every other day of the year I can pretend I am an ordinary person. Some days I think about my loss. Other days I live out the promises I made to live for the both of us (with gusto!). Mother's day is just like a big slap in the face though. It's a day dedicated to Mother's and for the longest time...I never considered myself a Mother. No one considered me a Mother. It just seemed so taboo to make someone uncomfortable by saying "I'm a Mother" and when they ask how old your children are and you say "I miscarried him 10 years ago"...people get uncomfortable. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just want you to acknowledge that there once was this amazing spirit I housed in my body that left me here. I want you to realize that I am a Mother too. I gave birth to an Angel instead.