I have been dealing with a lot of craziness lately in my own little section of my world. From going through all my documents and noting everything that happened/or didn't happen has been exhausting. I feel like it's just made me feel more discouraged about my future at times. Coming across the info I received on Essential Tremors and it's slow progression with the 4xs more likely to turn into Parkinson's and/or Alzheimers or Dementia, then the loss of my ability to make NEW short term memories, the reminders in all my notes that I have "episodic memory" and that's why I can't seem to make new memories, or why my ability to communicate clearly is always messing up...it's hard to feel like the future is bright. In all honesty, this afternoon, I broke down and cried into my arms at my table. I've been fighting for months to get my prescriptions covered and the SAAQ keeps saying there's no evidence that it's related to my car accident and NOT my workplace accident and the CNESST won't release anything because I'm on disability through work. Then being told that my court case can't move forward because of a ruling from the Supreme Court of Canada re:the saaq and disabilities. I am just trying so hard to find a happy moment. So, tonight I focused on planning the wedding I was supposed to have on December 19th 2019. I made a nice supper for me and my household because it makes me happy to cook for those I love most. I pampered me and my daughter who are recovering from covid 19 - shook like hell but I managed to paint her nails like I used too. Used a bunch of nail polish remover lol but they look nice now 😂😂 Still, I've been trying to focus elsewhere because I am still struggling to accept the diagnosis I received last year and this year. It's not an easy thing to accept that you worked all your goddamn life to be self-sufficient, get off medication and be able to do things on your own - it's all gone now. I'll never be who I can vaguely remember before. I won't be as happy go lucky as I remember being. I probably won't ever be able to function and work the way I could before because multitasking endurance has been sliced down to 15% MAYBE that much...might be less. Yet, I'm slowly learning to be this new person. This person with limits. This person who gets cuts because I still can't always feel my fingers or the message from my brain to my hand/fingers don't travel fast enough anymore. This person that goes up and down the stairs like I'm a senior citizen but that's because my brain can't understand how to go down the stairs or up them like I used too. This person who has to double check what she's doing at the moment that requires me to TRY to remember what I did 10 minutes ago. This person who is still learning, on her own, because I don't really have anybody here in my house to help me figure out ways to manage my house, on my own. This person who has to learn how to live again. It's been hard. Completely disabled- it can eat at you when the resources you need have been denied you or are super hard to find. I keep trying though. To be a better person. To be less gloom and doom. The most vivid memories are the ones with strong emotions attached and I remember every time I felt truly happy and every time I cried out of despair or frustration - both times I've been judged on my emotions. Still, I am still here. A Doctor told me I NEED to stop thinking of disabled and replace it as capable but it's so fucking goddamn hard at times. So please, if you can't handle me as I am right now, with my shaky inability to manage my emotions, to remember, to be as active as I was before - you can leave my life. Just leave
I really don't need someone in my life reminding me of my inabilities. I NEED people to remind me of what I am still capable of. That's what I need. Thank you ❤
