How to let go...

 So, it's 1:06 am and I finally have a moment to myself to collect my thoughts. Not like I can collect them since they are all jumbled and misplaced and disordered -_- Like my goddamn unpacking lol Shit is everywhere and I can't find what I'm looking for but hell if what I just found doesn't distract me from what I was looking for hahahaha Actually, what was I looking for?

This week has been harder than hard. Which is saying a lot for a woman who got up 12 hrs after surviving a car accident that should have killed her - so yup. It's been a hard week. Then add on my inability to recall new memories or make new memories (like every day things such as remembering what I ate or what I was supposed to do today) and then add on my other stressors and yup. I am not sure I'll be functional for the holidays but damned if I'm not gonna give it my all - Backbone, not a wishbone over here.

In May of this year I miscarried twins. This has been on my mind all week because THIS week would have been the due date. Which brings to mind all my other miscarriages as well. Amadeo in 2004, Selene in 2019, the twins in May and another in the last month so ya...I'm the Mother of 6 but the world will only ever see and acknowledge the living child I have. I've been told to recently "let them go". But how do you let go of empty arms when nothing tangible was ever there? 

In my heart, and all the ways to the very depths of my soul, I carry my children with me. Yes, the raw jagged edges of grief and loss have blurred the pain a bit - but the pain is still there. The hurt is still there. The loss is still there. The memories, the hopes for their life, the dreams we dreamed for them, the life they could have had - it's gone. It's nothing I did or didn't do. Nothing anybody did or didn't do. They say God or the Creator plans things for a reason. Well, I'd like to be let in on this reason but after screwing up my millionth try at making fudge - Imna leave it up to the higher power and continue to accept that somethings really do have to happen the way they happen. Doesn't make it easier to live with but it does make me less angry at the world.

So, I'm going to try to do what I've never done before - I'm going to let go. I'm going to let go of the life I could have had as a Mother of 6 rambunctious living children and just love them all in my heart - and continue to honor them by loving their living sister just as much. The heart was made for love (and pumping blood! Hahaha). I learned a long long time ago that if I could be terrified and have it feel like it lasted forever, then I could recall my greatest joys and have those feel like they lasted forever. Forever is but an instant- they are everything and nothing in the same breathe- just like we are. So, in my heart, tonight I say goodnight to all the hopes and dreams I had for my 5 angel babies...and just let the love I feel for them reside inside of me. 

Still, I will always love my children (birthed into this world or birthed into the next). Love is something not even death can destroy. I live for all of my children and I know in my heart that they all love me too. I will always have this sliver of grief inside of me. Grief only means that you had something worth losing and trust me, I had something worth losing. I know exactly how blessed I was to have housed 5 angels inside of me. It doesn't make it easier to breathe...but I do get some comfort from the belief, the faith, that I have that they have each other and our family - so they are not alone. 

So, yes. A part of me is always raw and jagged and bleeding and inflamed. I'm still doing the best I can to deal with it and live. Life is for living and I will not dishonour those passed by wallowing in despair- but please, never forget that I am still learning to live with 5 giant holes inside of my heart, where the lives and dreams of my children used to reside.

Till next time 

Xo 1/2