It's been a few years since I've wrote one of these. Maybe it's time to start putting my shit back out here again. I miss the simpler days of eat, work, coffee, coffee, eat, work, work, work, eat, work, exercise, shower and sleep. Then rinse and repeat. Then again, that shit sounds pretty blah! Not the fun 'blah' either.
Since my last blog all those years ago, life has changed a lot. I have a daughter who I am still trying to discipline the me out of bwahahahaha!!! I'd have better luck winning the lottery than Bird actually not sassying me at least once a day hahahaha But I sure as hell can dream :)
I'm up because I can't sleep. Every noise, every shift of the bed, the damn dog scratching his ears for the billionth time today, the fridge being noisy as hell, and my brain won't shut up for 5 minutes to let me sleep. Then again, I do have a lot on my mind. I'm really off my game tonight. I have been thinking and contemplating and reading and nothing. Just nothing.
For the longest time, I was alone. Regardless of how many people were around me or how many people actually cared - I was alone. I felt alone. I felt drowned by my own hard truths I learned in the most...traumatic and soul quenching ways. I remember wishing and crying and praying that I could just be normal. That I could just be like the majority of people I seen or worked with or observed. I remember offering up everything that makes me, me, if only I could honestly just be the person with the answer or just listens and NOT the person with the questions - just one of many - I used to want that with every fiber of my being. Yet, my perception isn't based on what is convenient - it is based on what is true...and it means I face the world as I perceive it.
When I was a younger girl, I remember being locked in a make shift bathroom, simply because I wouldn't call the teacher my Aunt. She was NOT related to me but she INSISTED I call her my Aunt. I refused. I was beaten with that yard stick. I was locked in that make shift bathroom with no heat and no lights in the dead of winter plus the toilet did NOT flush - but she was not MY AUNT. She pushed my face in my vomit but she was STILL NOT MY AUNT. She hit me with the red french bible but she was my Aunt. She once asked me "Quelle est la valuer d'un sauvage?" She was NEVER going to be my Aunt. I held my friend's hand in a new make shift bathroom once and we promised that we would never be alone or believe what they told us if it was a lie. To this day, I treasure his friendship and it means more than anybody could ever know. He always says I saved his life - the reality is - the memory of him - has saved mine more times than I can count.
I think that's when I really started to not be blinded by perception and really understood the underneath of the underneath. I hated it. I used to force myself to believe the words instead of the actions of people who said they loved me or cared for me. When I'd get proven wrong - I'd just try again. This willful ignorance continued for years. I let myself be 'convenient' for the people I titled "Friends". In reality, people who truly care about you - the you who shows up with or without a smile and they welcome you anyways they are real - the you who has to take a bus instead of a limo - the you who calls in the dead of night because your worst nightmare has now become your reality - they ARE REAL. Everybody else, they are just convenient.
That being said, after giving birth to my very own miracle, I realized another personal truth - what is going on around me and what I perceive it to be is just that - my own perception. Having my daughter, my reason for even trying these days, colors everything. My Bird - she shapes my perception. Today, I was absolutely terrified. I couldn't find her. For the worst and most terrifying 20 minutes of my life, all I could think of was that it takes less than 7 seconds for someone to take everything from me and
- to me, in my perception of my own reality, my daughter is EVERYTHING. For God sakes! I let a damn Surgeon stick his finger between my abdominal wall and my epidermis without more local anesthetic because my Bird was responding negatively to it. I let 2 Surgeons attempt to break the capsulized abscess and then let them dig out the broken bottle nose giraffe forceps...because she IS my future.
