Dear Self,
I am so very proud of you.
The past year has not been kind to you but you learned so much
through it all. You struggled after your surgery to remove some
abnormal cells during this month last year. You struggled through so
much loss in the past year. Loss of loved ones, loss of love, loss of
confidence, loss of faith, and loss of self. Still you are here.
Still you are strong. Still you persevere where others would have
lost hope and given up. You are more resilient than you have ever
given yourself credit for. Do not count your worth in pennies when
you alone are worth so much more than a King's ransom.
You may not have been
aware of it but slowly watching your heart get beaten, taken for
granted and treated as less than the precious gift it is – was
slowly eroding you. Slowly, but surely, the poor treatment your heart
received was destroying the very thing that made you so very much you
– you're smile that shows all you're very giving heart. It is your
right to be angry but once you were done being angry, you celebrated
to turn what should have been a painful memory into something joyous.
Simply because you loved someone enough to want them to be
happy...even if that happiness took them away from you. I'm proud
that even if it hurt you, you did stay true to your beliefs and to
your heart.
I am so very proud of you
for holding yourself together but, more so, for letting yourself lean
on people this past year. Never before have you allowed so many
people to see inside of you and to hold your hand in your weakest
moments. Despite your happy disposition you have held numerous people
at arms length. You have trusted in those you care for to be strong
enough to help you with this burden you have been carrying. You have
let them see you terrified, scared, hopeless, frustrated, and feeling
a little more than broken at times. But, each time you felt like
that, someone was there to remind you that no matter what, you would
be okay. The “YOU” they know would come through. The person that
laughs at inappropriate times because her nerves are bad. The person
who walks with a smile on her face while listening to music because
of the joy the lyrics and memories bring to her. The person who
laughs so loud people five streets over can hear her. I am so very
proud that you learned to not give up on yourself and that it is okay
to let others be strong for you. I know because of your past you have
had a very hard time depending on people but you fought your fear and
here you are! You kept moving forward as your motto was last year –
life isn't about comparisons, it's about moving forward.
This might sound a bit
sadistic of me but I am glad you learned to cry in front of people
this year. I am glad you let your Mum hold you when you were scared.
I am glad you found strength in your Mum, Dad and those you
call your best friends. I am glad that you were honest with them
about what scary things the Doctors were telling you. I am glad that
they gave you the things you didn't even know you needed – patience
and acceptance. After all, it is scary to be told that due to
something beyond your control that parts of what make you, so very
you, could be missing and you wouldn't even know it was gone. All
because of three blood disorders causing a series of seizures. Having to
re-learn so many different things was frustrating, irritating and
somewhat exciting in its own way. I know it is still frustrating to
have to really concentrate to remember the phone numbers you used to
know by heart. Or the recall the recipes that used to be second
nature but that's okay. You can always learn to do it again. Those
old pathways may be dead to you now but just because something is not
there anymore doesn't mean you can't make new memories. You are
strong. You are like the reed in the rush of the river. You
bend...you do not break.
I am glad you had people
you could depend upon. I am glad you learned a very valuable lesson –
those who want to be a part of your life, make time for you and
strive to be a part of it. In return, you have done all that you
have possible to try to remain a part of their lives. I know you
would give them whatever you possibly could because what they have
gifted you with is considered priceless and precious by you –
trust, love, faith, laughter and loyalty. Yet, they have asked only
one thing in return – that you remain you. They have only wanted
you to be yourself and everything would be fine. They even understood
when you couldn't be yourself because you weren't sure who you were
or where you were going. While you were wading through uncertainties
and painful realizations they were there. Always supporting. I hope
you realize how truly blessed you are. Not many people can claim to
have so many people love them the way you are loved by them. There is
a saying that goes “To love someone is madness, to be loved by
someone is a gift, loving someone who loves you is a duty, but being
loved by someone whom you love is life.” You love them because it
pleases you to do so. Having there love just makes life so much more
bright. :D
I am so very sorry you
lost so many loved ones this past year. I am so very sorry that your
heart was bruised and pieces of it hurting (and are still healing). I
am so very sorry that there are people you cared for deeply but are
not able to make new memories with. But remember the single truth you
learned so very long ago, it is not possible to lose somebody for
somebody can never be lost. When you find them, you find yourself
again. They are a part of you as much as you were a part of them. No
matter how fleeting there presence was or how deeply entrenched they
were in your life, they changed something in you simply by being. The
world spun a little faster because they were a part of it. The world
was brighter. While they no longer tread the Earth, it is important
that you remind yourself that they are never too far. It is
impossible to leave the memory once you have etched them into your
heart.
I am pleased that you
found your faith again. While being told you were infertile you
floundered for awhile. Not caring about what happened to you anymore
as you grieved for all the possibilities and dreams you had to lay to
rest. While your heart and spirit were in repose I remember the dream
you had. You dreamt once more of your Mama and this beautiful little
boy she brought with her. With hair as black as night (like his
Father's), with your eyes and smile, and his chubby little hands
holding yours. He was perfect. The perfect mix of you and his Father.
He reminded you of the promise you made to him once upon a time. That
as long as he was near, you would find a reason to be happy. Then he
told you that he was always near so you have no need to ever feel
sad. You made a choice to make a birthday
cake instead of wallowing in your grief as you have done every year
since you miscarried him all those years ago. You made a choice to
celebrate and that little bit of happiness was the first time you
felt the ache in you lessen. You may never have held him in your
hands but he grew in your heart and that is all that matters. To you,
he was love, life and happiness. To him, you were very much the same.
It wasn't till that morning that the thought finally occurred to you
that maybe his lesson during this life was to know a love so fierce,
so encompassing, so unconditional and selfless that you loved him
that much...he could go back to wherever it is we all come from.
I am surprised at you
though. Once July passed and you got the trash out of your life
completely, you started to shift. You became more aggressive in what
you wanted, but more specifically, the life you wanted. You learned
that those you trusted could betray you but you would forgive them
but never...would you trust them again. You learned about the
different types of betrayal and you knew then that it only hurt
because it was done by those you trusted. I know trust to you means
more then the dictionary says it is. To you when you trust it means
you are trusting someone to hold your heart safe, to keep your spirit
warm and shining, and to protect your dreams as you would do the same
for them. To have someone violate what you considered a precious gift
– it changed you. Because you are older now and have more
experience with this, you learned something about yourself that even
surprised you. It was easy to be cruel. You thought about it often
enough but refused to sink to that level. Just because it is easy to
be cruel does not make it right. It was right to be kind, despite it
being the hardest thing possible. You learned that forgiveness may be
given but trust is earned. You learned to push past your limits. You
are a very stubborn woman and if it wasn't for people making you take
care of yourself I am positive you would have been hospitalized by
now hahaha Still, I am saddened for you because you learned a lesson
I never wanted you to learn for I believe you are a giving
person...But this became necessary – everything needed to play out
the way it did instead of letting your kindhearted nature take over.
It was time for you to learn that you can't always just forgive
someone because they need you to. It is sometimes necessary for them
to prove they've earned it.
This past year you learned
another lesson – you learned that love grows. It can sprout from
friendship, affection, respect, or passion; it has to be nurtured or
it withers before it has a chance to bear fruit; it requires
communication, respect, trust, commitment and fidelity. It was then
that you realized and stopped dating that guy because you didn't want
to be stuck in a relationship with another male who couldn't be
bothered with you. You have had enough of that. You then asked your
well meaning friends to stop trying to set you up with someone who
obviously has no real interest in you. After all, it is very human to
want someone to love you and actually strive with all their being to
make you happy...instead of looking at you like your taking up space
and oxygen. It was then that you learned that to care is to fear and
to fear is to be made vulnerable. Still, you being so you, realized
that in being vulnerable you found a strength you never knew you
could possess. I'm not sure you know this but not everyone has the
courage to live through their vulnerabilities or to face them. Just
as not many know how to truly care and live in harmony with every
desire of their greedy little hearts. Duty
comes before desire and it is not truly possible to start the future
with the past hanging around the way it does when things are
unresolved.
It
then became necessary to face everything that happened throughout
this year and really take stock of who you were as a person. To
really look at yourself and embrace the ugly parts along with the
good parts...and love yourself in spite of them. You are so very
beautiful. You are more courageous than you realize. You are more
resilient than you think. You are more loved than you will ever truly
know. You had so many epiphanies that there could be a book written
on those alone. But Self, I think you should know something really
simple...a simple truth – your smile reaches your eyes again. I
don't care if you never learn how to type without having to back
track to make sure you didn’t put down the wrong word or if you
still have problems with numbers years from now. Just as long as your
spirit can smile and it shows in your eyes I am pleased. You make me
happy. Thank you for being you. <3
